2010: Mandatory break-up blog.



I know I can't be the only person completely stunned by the fact that 2010 is basically over, can I?

At the beginning of this year, I had such big plans for myself and I think as far as personal development goes, I've accomplished a lot of what I wanted and a lot of things I had no idea I wanted for myself. In a previous entry, I commented on how different I am; how much more confident I am, how comfortable I am in my body now, as opposed to this time last year. All around, I feel like I've taken amazing leaps towards the person I want to be and I'm so incredibly proud of myself for that. As far as my body goes, I'm two sizes smaller than what I started the year at-- though not much has changed up top, mostly it was in my stomach and legs, but again, I'm proud of what I did and what I hope I can continue this coming year. My weight has always been an issue for me-- I gain really quickly by binge-ing, don't eat very much but not very well, and never lose a pound; or I constantly flux in between sizes and weights when I eat better. There will always be room for improvement where my body is concerned, but as my body image has improved, it's less for other people and more because I'd like my outsides to match my incredible insides.Of course, I know I've touched on this; that's why I'm taking more time for my appearance and what-not. And I love the fact that at almost 21, everything I do, is for me, and not influenced by anyone. It's just... beautiful. And I have confidence when I say that I too, am beautiful.

I started off the year in a relationship. And I honestly thought it was going to be the relationship I was in for the rest of my life. But this year proved me so wrong. After spending 2009 more or less without a single guy in my life, I ended it by meeting him and I started this year off head over heels, stupid in love.

Looking back, this year has been a pretty insane contrast to the way I spent 2009 when you consider the "romantic" aspect of it. I've literally been involved with someone from January 1st to November 30th, to some degree-- with different people. Even right now, I'm talking to someone. And he told a few days ago that he thinks he's falling in love with me. The funny thing about this all though, is that I'm not someone who needs another person to complete them. Relationships are all well and good, but I'm stronger when I'm by nyself... I'm not sure why this year has been so startling different. Maybe because I was ready to date or talk to people again? Maybe it has to do my confidence? I really couldn't say. But it's been a lesson in dating and guarding my heart-- but also in letting go and trusting my heart, to follow it without regret, even though the chance to be hurt is overwhelming.

And trust me, I have been hurt. Everything from being cheated on, to having someone just leave without explanation, finding myself more involved than they are, and being second best to another's first. But I honestly don't regret any of it. All in all, I feel as though it made me a stronger person.

Plus, I literally had the best sex of my life this year. With probably the person I've felt the most chemistry with... in ever. So much as ending that hurt and sucked, and sometimes I wish I hadn't ended it and at times, I do wish I had never started it, I can't help but look back on those five months and smile-- and glad that I had such an amazing connection with another person.

And hey, who knows where things will go with this new guy? Maybe my 2011 will start with someone new and fresh-- someone I find myself attracted to in all the right ways; someone who has no reservations when it comes to caring about me. It's nice... to have that. When I wake to texts that say "Morning cupcake" or fall asleep to texts that say "Goodnight love," and I'm not worried about who else he says it to.

I'll always remember this year as the year my parents filed for divorce, even thouh in my mind they've been separated for at least the last five or six years. Ending 2010 with that.... it's fitting. The closing of one chapter, opening another and hoping for something better.

And of course, I will always remember and carry with me the devastation I feel at Ronnie's passing. I've said it countless times, but nothing could have prepared me for losing such a dear friend; I think of him every day with sadness and happiness in my heart, battling for dominance. I wish I could apply his philosophy that 2010 was the year that never happened, but it would be impossible. It hurts to know that every year until now, I've had him by myside... and that I'll never have that again. The idea of moving forward without him, trying to understand how the world works without him, still baffles me. But I battle the notion every day, only because he would hate that in some ways, I've stopped living since he lost his life.

I look over our conversations, our pictures; I listen to music that reminds me of him and I'm filled with strength. Our memories keep me going, even when I cry at the thought of them. Ronnie... would be happy that a new year is beginning, if only because it gives those he left behind a fresh start. Blank slate. Tabula Rasa. And he would be frustrated if we didn't take it.

I plan on taking it and making it mine.

With loss though, I've found that there is healing and forgiveness; unspeakable love and appreciation. And as Ronnie has been taken from so many of us, we've found comfort in each other. And I am so glad for that. I will end this year with mroe friends than I started-- happier than I started 2010 in that sense.

In some ways, I feel like I've sucked the venom out of my life, with the removal of certain people. That might be cruel to say, but the quality of the people in my life right now, is incredible and I am so blessed for the friends I have. I'm a lucky girl and I coudn't be anymore aware of it than I already am.

Best momet 2010: The week my oldest nephw was here from Florida. We had such a blast! Even if he'd wake up at 8am every morning, bang on my doors, and ask me to watch him play video games. His smile and laughter just completely combatted the exhaustion of chasing around a four year old aorund all day, every day. Favorite memory: basically every time I held him and he'd kiss my cheek, tell me he loved me. Oh, and of course every time he wanted me more than anyone else, ha! I'm his favorite =) I can't believe I forgot! When we were at Knotts, waiting in line for the train ride, I was holding him and he was playing with my hair; hugging my neck and kissing my cheek and I would do it bck to him; he said, "Auntie Molly, is that a booboo?" In reference to my monroe. "No, baby. It's like an earring." "But it's on your face. It's a booboo." "No, baby." "Yes, auntie Molly. If I kiss your booboo, will you kiss mine?" He had a scrape on his arm. So I said yes, and he kissed my monroe and then offered his little cut up arm to me. Gah, I miss him! I can't wait to see him and Baby Tony in March!

Worst moment 2010: Obviously the day and weeks following Ronnie's passing. There are no words, though lord knows I've tried to find one, to explain it all. Staying strong through all of this, missing him, the realization, the denial, the five stages of grief, have been one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. And that's saying something,.. but I don't think I've faced anything harder than having to lay down a best friend.

I'm so glad for this last year.

But I'm not sad to see it go, not really anyway.

2011 is going to be my year.

I'm going to make it my bitch ;)

Resolutions:Start working out again-- Just Dance counts, as does walking and swimming (and sex...)
Re-establish healthy eating habits.
Apply to be a site model for Torrid.
Keep my GPA above 3.0
Become involved in the Musical Theater community again
Travel:
-Florida in March
-Mexican Cruise in June
-?
Start writing more-- and I don't mean blog entries
Find another steady job
Car
Read more
Maintain and nourish my current friendships
Take more photos
Appreciate the beauty in everything

Drink more ;)
Dance more
Cuss less
But continue to be totally and utterly badass.

=)

And the light you left remains, but it's so hard to stay when I have so much to say and you're so far away.

Dear Ronnie,

Today marks the two month mark since you left us. I still remember that Saturday as if it were yesterday; it was 3:30pm and I was sitting in the back bedroom, still dressed in my ratty pyjamas, knowing I had the entire day to myself, with nothing to worry about. I was watching The Office online, catching up on the episodes I had missed when Sam texted me.

When she asked if I had heard the news, I thought she was talking about something she had posted on facebook a few hours earlier and said no... She told me that she didn't know how to tell me, that she didn't want to be the one who did, and that regardless, I needed to brace myself.

"Ronnie passed away!" And my mind went blank. I literally couldn't think of a single thing. But I could feel the sudden exceleration of my heartbeat, the immediate panic hitting hard at my chest; my hands went clamly and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead. "Not Ronnie Pallares?"

"Yes! I'm so sorry! I know you two were really close...."
"No, Sam, thank you for telling me. We were really close, thank you. I'm just glad I didn't find out from facebook."
"I know, that's why I had to tell you!"

I wasn't crying, but my anxiety didn't stop. All I could think of was checking news listings, status updates, typing your name into search engines and hoping nothing showed for my efforts. I remember the certainity in my heart that the news was a mistake-- with every search that turned up nothing, I feel confident that there had been some misinformation passed along somewhere. But then I found it. Your uncle Vince's status on facebook: My heart is breaking right now. I just found out that my nephew died this morning in Afghanistan. Rest in Peace Ronnie Joseph Pallares.

I did the only thing I knew how to do at that moment, the only thing my shocked system could manage: I called my mother, and then I cried hysterically. She couldn't understand a word I said, so she came running the back room. I gained some semblence of composure... I don't know how, but I did it to explain what happened. And as soon as the words were out of my mouth she fell on the bed next to me and cried. She loved you too, you know. She held me while I cried my literal heart out. I couldn't stop.... even if I had wanted to.

Deanna texted me and I felt compelled to call her, to tell her. The last time I saw you, we were all together and I knew that I needed her by my side. She was driving home from work... and not much was said aside from "Ronnie?" "Yeah." "No" "Yes..." And then I called Josh, our brother, my best friend, and it's the first time in three years that I've heard him cry.

Later that night, Deanna showed up to my house. We couldn't be alone... and we waited for Josh to get off work. We stood in my front yard. It had rained earlier that day and it was freezing. But we stood out there and cried, holding one another. Breaking apart, talking about you, and holding onto each other again. Josh was in shock still, we all were. We hugged and told each other all the love in our hearts and kept looking at the sky, wondering if you were there, looking down on us. If any of this could possibly be real.

That day has changed my life in so many ways, babe. There are some you wouldn't be proud of, but I know that you would support me, even in my obvious faults. The missing doesn't stop, the hurting, the wishing, I carry it all with me, all of the time. I'm never without it. And I am never without you.

Two months all at once seems like such an incredibly long time, but as if no time has passed at all. Those first few days were such a blur, but I can remember them with such clarity, it's sort of frightening. I know you'd be proud of us for all banding together the way we did, knowing that to conquer such a blow, we'd need the strength only we could provide for each other. I just wish it hadn't taken your passing to reconcile those ill feelings...

Every service held in your memory examplified the type of person you were. It was so apparent to all those who gathered around to mourn you, the impact you'd had on all of our lives-- even people you didn't know were impressed by you, babe. And how could they not be? 500 of us showed up at your flag on your birthday- the Mayor, even. We shut down most of Haven. At your viewing at least that many people showed up to pay their respects, and how many people spoke about how wonderful you were? Too many to count, brother. You are so loved, I hope you know that. I hope that you realize the amount of love you have inspired in all of us who were lucky enough to know you.

Over 1,000 people were there for your memorial service. And I'm sure you were there yourself, not understanding how we could be so sad at your loss. I don't think I could have made it through that day without Sam and Josh by my side, honestly. Thank you for allowing reconnection, and the strengthening of friendships. I will never stop thanking you for many things, but especially that.

Brother, I just miss you.

I don't understand why you, but I'd hate to think of another community grieving the way we have for you. Someone else's fiance, brother, best friend, son-- the fact that other people have felt this feeling tears me up inside. The fact that others will understand before the war is over, breaks my heart all over again. And I know that you would have rather given your life one hundred times over, to spare others the pain of separation from their loved ones, the way you have been ripped from us forever if you could.

Our memories are some of my most cherished possessions, and I know that even when I'm an old lady at the end of my life, you will be with me in spirit and heart. For every step I take, I am taking one for you and every goal I achieve is not just with me and my future in my mind, but with you and your sacrifice in my mind. I'll live my life the best way I know how, to honor your memory and to make you proud.

Trust me, there is nothing I miss more than our late night conversations. Calling one another names and joking around, the way we could talk for hours about books and music and movies, all of our serious heart to hearts that sometimes very nearly broke me, and the way that no matter what mood I was in, you were the one person who could calm me down.

I'm trying so hard not to be sad; I know that's the last thing you want for any of us, to torture ourselves, but it just isn't possible. I've lost such an important piece of myself; I've lost one of the only people I could count on inexplicibly, without second thought. How many people are lucky enough to have had such a beautiful friendship? Not many I don't think.

I have been so incredibly lucky to have you by my side for the last seven years. And nothing can take that away from me-- that love, that mutual and never ending respect, our memories, they're all mine to keep. God, I'm so lucky!

It makes sense that you'd be taken from us so early. Someone as genuine and sincere as you, couldn't possibly exist in this world for too long. You're a meteor; brilliant and bright, you amaze everyone that's lucky enough to catch a glimpse of you, and then you're gone...

It really just hurts to know you're never coming back.

You're so far away from where you should be.

Nothing could ever fill the void your death has left in me. I doubt that I will ever meet a person as incredible as you are again-- you're a once in a lifetime type of person, and we had a once in a lifetime type of friendship.

Seriously, Ronnie? Who's going to beat up anyone who cheats on me now? You promised you'd always be here to protect me and now you're gone... what am I supposed to do without you? Who else is going to tell me they love me, even when I don't deserve it? Who else is going to take care of me the way you have? People will never understand all that you've done for me, I don't even understand all of it... all I know is that you are irreplaceable.

And I know you're here... I know that you'll do your best to keep your promises, even if neither of us ever thought this would happen.

It's never goodbye. It's always see you later, talk to you later, I love you. I know you did your best and I'm so proud of you for everything you did with your short life. Now I don't have to remind you to stay safe, and now you don't have to reassure me every five seconds that "you'll try your best."

I love you.

To the moon and back; to infinite and beyond, I love you.

Thank you, brother.

So I won't say goodbye-- I'll say I'll see you later, and understand that you're still here for me when I need you, even if I don't get a response; you're still listening and giving me silent encouragement, or making your scrunchy disapproval face at me.

I'll see you later, it'll only ever be a little while...

I love you.

And I know you love me too.

Stay close.

Your Moll(a)y.

(I love this picture so much! For one, it's you! For two, that's my favorite book! And three, you bought it because I loved it so much and you fell in love with it yourself. You are SUCH a nerd, I swear. Who buys a book from Amazon while they're stationed in Afghanistan because some weird girl ranted about it for hours... You make me so happy, always have and always will.)

And she was a Hurricane.

Is anyone else thoroughly confused at the fact that here's only four more days before Christmas? Three if you celebrate on Christmas Eve? How did we get to December 21st, seriously? And another complete mind-fuck-- there's only ten days before we're in the new year!

My coffee table is littered with presents, unwrapped presents might I add. I keep regrouping them and then spreading them out individually, making sure they're all still where they need to be. There's somethng hanging up on my clothes rack for Krista and I'm honestly considering stealing it-- or going and buying another for myself because I've fallen that much in love with it. I'd have to wait until after Christmas, since shopping for everyone this year literally shot my bank account.

This is the first year I've really gone out of my way for people, without asking for help from my parents. Everything I spent came from working at Avenue, from photography jobs, from my house-sitting. It's nice knowing that I didn't have to run to my mommy and daddy for money. The only person I have left to shop for is my little brother, it's just hard because we're ALWAYS together. Always. When I go out, he gets sad because he's only here for three weeks and Ican see my friends anytime I want. I think I've been out... twice(?) without him. Be that as it may, I do have a pretty full week coming up.

Today: Go to Walgreens and get some photos printed out so I can put the finishing touches on my Secret Santa gift-giving! Also buy wrapping paper and such, the pickings from last year are slim and... ughy, ha. Try to get to MAC because there's this lipstick I REALLY want, and I have enough on my MAC-card if I buy in store, but am literally $0.20 short when I order online because of the damn S&H, and I am not splitting that on my bank card, because its just plain dumb. After that, do some baking! Because hello, it's the Holidays and I haven't done ANY since early November. Do my wrappings and write out my sappy cards,

Wednesday: Maybe go with Samala to pick up Megan from LAX, depends on the weather and how comfortable Sam and I feel driving in the rivers that were once streets. And if I don't get all the above done today, then I'll do the rest after I get back, if I go.

Thursday: Lunch with Brittany, who I haven't seen since Ronnie's Candle Light Vigil, and who I haven't really been in contact with since July... We had a falling out, but as I've said numerous times since Ronnie passed, it puts a lot of things into perspective. And whatever reasons we had to dislike one another, aren't as important as they were. So yeah. We're grabbing lunch. Should be tres'interesting. After that, run home and change for the Christmas party at Megan's. Need to find an ugly sweater before then, like yeah. Grab my sparking lemonade (it's amazing, really), Secret Santa gift, and the little gifts/cards I got for the other girls.

Friday: I have no idea.... probably pre-Christmas worrying, right? Maybe. The last few years we've gone to my aunt's house on Christmas Eve, but not this year. So.... this day is basically up for grabs. I know my father wants to see Jon and I before Christmas day, but I'm entirely pleased with him right now, so I don't know.

Saturday: Do Christmas morning with mom and Jon =) it's our first Christmas just the three of us, so it should be interesting/nice. At least we won't get yelled at for buying our father a present like we have been the last few years. Yeah. So it should be a pretty calm morning... Traditional Christmas breakfast baking time! Then getting ready and going to my aunt's for Christmas early dinner and presents. We bought Apples to Apples the other day as a family gift, so we're probably going to take it over =) We'll probably watch Jurassic Park, which has somehow turned into our Christmas movie... not sure how that happened. But nothing says Merry Christmas more than Dinosaurs apparently?

All in all a pretty packed week, I'd say. But that's how the holidays get. They get hectic and full and loud, but for some reason, this year of all years feels more like Christmas did when I was kid, than it has in the past few years. And I have no idea why... I mean, really, THIS year of the last five? With all the sadness and doubt? But maybe that's why... because this year we need it to feel magical like it used to when things were better.. It makes sense, I suppose. But regardless. it's nice to feel the season so heartily,when the joy of it has been absent.

There's so much to look forward to. And maybe that's where this ridiculous optimism is coming from. I know that within the next week, I'll get to see the people I love, I'm being allowed the chance at reconnection; it's rainy and cold, and hell, that's the closest this part of California is ever going to get to true Christmas/Winter weather. I get to show my gratitude to those in my life, for all they've done and I cannot wait to do so! I may not be able to give much, but I know it's all given with appreciation and just an infinite amount of love.

Soon, we'll be welcoming a new year and all the people I know, are looking forward and hoping for something better than what we're leaving behind. Greg asked the question, "How can 2010 be ending like this?" And all I have to say is, "Well, at least it's ending."

Good riddance to the people who didn't stick around, to the ex-boyfriends, to the ex-lovers, to the negativity that has been nearly endless the last few months. I'm so done with 2010 and what it brought with it. I've learned so much this year, good and bad, terrible and beautiful, I've grown into a stronger, more confident person, and I will always treasure that discovery of myself... but I'm not sorry to see this year come to a close.

I'll end this year in a black party dress, high heels, glass of wine in hand, and surrounded by people I love. I may not get anything more than a kiss on the cheek at midnight, but I can't think of a better way to say hello to 2011, than with people who make me happy every day.

After that?

My 21st; which honestly feels like this new, exciting phase of my life that I've just been waiting for... I think this must be what a catepillar feels like right before it turns into a butterfly; understanding that to become what it wats to become, to do what it wants to do, it must give up everything it has been, everything that is comfortable and known-- to embrace and accept the unknown and trust wholly in itself. And I love that feeling, knowing that this is the beginning to the rest of my life, and it is independant of most anyone else, this is all me.

I'm so ready.

This renewel of spirit and faith in myself is exactly what I need-- not to depend on another person to make me whole or complete, but in understandig that it all comes from me. That I truly decide what happens to me in this life, and how to accomplish those things I want. The best part? The world is literally at my feet, waiting for me to decide on my path. I may not have all the time in the world, but I know that I have just enough to figure it out the best I possbly can.

There is this constant understanding... this constant rhythm within me. It reminds me that I want more than I've been given, more than I've accepted, more than I've been offered-- I want it all.

And you better bet your ass I'll get it.

Not only because I want it, but because I deserve it.

Everything these plain bitches couldn't be.

I've never liked restrictions. Ever. I've always wanted to do things my way. And in some cases, I have. Maybe not at the best times, but still, I've done right by me in certain situations when I thought there was no right way. For a long time, I thought that being the quiet one, being the gentle, agreeable one, was the way to live. Without confrontation, how could anything bad happen. So for years, I was mommy's little girl and daddy's princess. And quiet. And lonely. And strange. And I'm still all those things, probably more so. But not because it's how I think I should be, it's because that's who I am. Not only am I quiet, I'm unintelligibly loud, I need to be the center of attention, dressing up and being magnificently vulgar feels empowering to me. Not only am I lonely, but I am never alone. Not truly. I'm surrounded by people with hearts that care about me and want the best for me. Not only am I strange, but I have the potential to be absolutely generic. But that is just who I am.


Last night I was wondering how anyone can love you when you can't love yourself. And even if in a few hours, I take back every word, at this moment, I love myself. I love my absolute status of contradiction. I love my meek, submissive side and I love the absolute dominance and confidence I feel when I put on a pair of heels. I don't have to be one thing or one way, I AM all things.

There's no doubt when I say that at this moment, I will truly and completely take ahold of my life and live it. And continue to do the things I want to do and do them my way.

Continue to be the wallflower, but let myself feel and enjoy and grow in the sunlight. Travel to every place I want travel, by car or train or boat if I can't convince myself to get onto a plane. Get tattoos because they are an extension of me, and not because I want to be something else. Pierce the body parts that I want pierced, and not care what anyone says about metal in my face. Make money the way I want, without feeling like society finds me to be lazy, or uneducated. Finish college, but never stop learning. Find the thing I'm the most passionate about in life and dedicate myself to it. Whether it's writing or helping people or travelling or what have you. Learn every language that my brain can hold and study and absorb every legend and myth and history that I possibly can. Be a lady and cultured, but still be terribly unrefined at my core. Pray when I need to, cry when I have to, but at the end of the day, keep the smile on my face geniune. Be real and generous, but not compromise my soul or my heart, my mind or my body.

This is a bunch of rambling, but in the end, I want to be a warrior. A woman, but a warrior. If that makes any sense. And even if it doesn't. It's what I want.

.."The Morrigan. An ancient celtic Goddess of war and death. She was greatly feared. Some said she could be seen washing the clothes of those who were about to die in battle, and afterward, she flew across the battlefleild, taking the skulls of the dead with her in her fury."


Cecily shudders. Why would anyone want to worship her?"


"Don't you have any warrior spirit, Miss Temple?" Miss Moore asks.


Cecily is aghast. "I certainly hope not. How... unattractive."


"What makes it so?"


"Well." Cecily is clearly uncomfortable. "It's like being a man, isn't it? A woman should never show anything so unseemly."


"But without that spark of anger, without destruction, there can never be rebirth. The Morrigan was also associated with strength, indepedence, and fertility. She was the keeper of the soul til it could be regenerated. Or so they say."

It's true what they say; "you ain't seen nothing like me yet."

All good things are wild and free.

Vous n’avez pas des os en verre. Vous pouvez vous cogner à la vie.

The semester is finally over and really, I've never been happier knowing I have a month of unadulterated time off from school. But at the same time, I'm thoroughly disappointed in how this semester turned out. Like I said before, I accept it, I did my best with what was happening in my personal life and I'll move on, after having learned from it. But still, I'm disappointed.

Looking back a year ago, I was turning out As like they were nothing. There was no effort, I was on top of my academic game, at the expense of my social life... And I'm starting to think that the coming semester I should approach it in a similar fashion. Put my schooling first, my emotional state second, and let everything fall else into place. Though really, let's face it, things rarely ever 'fall into place' the way you expect them to. I don't really know, but we'll see.

Honestly, I haven't retained much from my classes since Ronnie passed.... I don't think I've retained much of anything, actually. Over break, I'm going to get into therapy. Not because I'm suicidal, or thinking of harming myself, but because I'm literally battling through emotional turmoil every waking moment, and my dreams aren't much of a reprive. With the divorce and the uncertainity that brings with it, the idea isn't remiss... This is about me and doing the best I can for myself, and if I feel like therapy will benefit me, I'm going to do it.

I'm doing my best to remind myself that I'm not as incredibly fragile as I feel, that I can "take life's knocks," if you will.

On another note, my friends are trying to "find" me a quality guy... since according to everyone in my life, I've never met one, let alone dated one, and that's true. I always find myself in situations with people who are unstable to some degree, who are emotionally unavailable, or disappear as soon as things become too real for them to handle. But I think that has a lot to do with what I present to the world and ulitmately, what I'm willing to settle for. We accept the love we think we deserve, and if we think we aren't worth more than a strained relationship, or random sex, then we're probably not going to get anymore than that.

And that's where I'm at. "It may not be cool, but it's so where I live."

I'm not really sure what it is I want... everyone seems to want to be settled and married and in this cosmic, all consuming love at 20. So many friends of mine are already married with kids, or recently engaged, it blows my mind. I was them seven months ago and it's hard to wrap my head around that fact. I feel nowhere near being ready to settle down with another person, let alone devote my life to our "love".

A part of me really just wants to have fun, but I've learned that I'm not the type of girl who can do casual sex and make-out sessions, without eventually becoming attached. Damn you, feel-good hormones and your ability to make feel something for someone that doesn't really exist. Obviously in that sense, orgasms are terribly bad for us girls. But I digress.

Another part of me really wants to have a relationship. A full-blown, stupidly crazy for one another sort of deal. But again, I tend to panic in those situations and break it off before they can do the same to me. Yay to years of conditioning? Another reason why therapy would be beneficial! I know I probably sound sarcastic, but I'm not--truly.

I think it's sweet that my friends want to help me find someone, but I'm not the type of girl who goes anywhere to meet guys. That isn't what happens. I meet them through friends or through school or some series of random connections we both seem to have. But, then again, that hasn't really done much for me, has it? So maybe it's time to change up my style and actually put myself out there.

Literally, I loathe and dread the idea.

But who knows?

I'm sort of talking to someone right now. We'll see, but it feels like one of those situations where he just wants to hook up. And let's it face it, I've just spent a little less than half a year putting myself in that situation with someone else. I'm not exactly jumping at the idea of doing it again, for who knows how long. Just, ew. No, thank you.

But it's nice to get texts that say, "I'm cold, come cuddle with me" once again. Or, "Hey gorgeous, how was your day?"

I feel like 2011 should be all about fresh-starts and falling into old, tired habits straight out the gate probably won't do me any favors. As always, we shall see...

We really can't go back, and that's a lesson I seem to be learning in abudance. We can only go forward and strive to live to the fullest, enjoying the people and things we love beyond measure, and hoping for the best in our daily lives.

Tomorrow is a big day in my opinion. It's my last day of classes for the year 2010 and as usual, I'm sad and elated to see them come to pass. Without a doubt, I'm going to miss my History course and the people I've met because of it. I've never been more thankful for a winter break or break in general.

But what this really means for me? It's a new beginning,a fresh start, it's the precursor to the new year. And there is nothing I want more than to put this year, 2010, behind me. Ronnie had said that 2010 was year that never happened-- he had spent it in Aghanistan, the Dodgers didn't win their season, he and Vanessa had broken up for a short period of time; so what was the point in counting 2010? I wish it were that easy to say that 2010 never happened, that it's a figment of our imaginations, but it isn't possible with his absence.

I wish it hadn't happened, that's for sure; but there's no sense in arguing that it didn't.

I'll do a goodbye letter to 2010 at some point before the new year, but this closing is relevant-- this ending, it holds power and meaning and leads to a sense of closure to some degree in putting the last year behind me... even if it'll haunt me for the rest of my life.

This post isn't meant to be sad, really. But I'm still sad every day, I carry it with me and can't shake it off of me.

Sadness, it sticks to you like a sickness; it can premate every part of your life. It doesn't shake off.

But....

I'm not crying as much, though the nights are the hardest. Silly as it sounds, I'm still in denial and it hits me over again fairly often... I'm not sure why I can't believe it, when in less than ten days, it'll be two months.

But if you missed it under all that sad-stuff, I don't cry as much anymore.

To change the pace..

I'm excited for Finals, I'm excited to see Mary tomorrow after not seeing her since September(!!!), I'm excited for Secret Santas, our Christmas party and New Year Party, I'm excited to relax, to spend a ridiculous amount of time with my brother, to turn 21(!!!!), for January and for it not to be 2010 anymore.

And now it's time to pass out.

Wish me luck on my finals. <3

We've all got our junk and my junk is you!

Today was good... better than good, it was sort of great. I got to spend the afternoon with Brandon (Oh, Brandypants!) at Starbucks. And though we talk all the time, we never do anything just the two of us. So after weeks of talking about hanging out, doing something low-key, we finally sat down for three hours and just laughed. I don't know, I just really needed some guy friend time. I've been lacking that lately. Sitting there talking, we got to learn more about one another....  I'm going to his choir performance closer to Christmas, which I'm super excited about. And he wants to join the alumni choir our old instructor is letting us put together for the end of the year show! Which I'm SO very excited about.

And then after coffee with Mr. Lytle, I spent the rest of my night at Disney. It's nice being able to come and go as we please, knowing we'll be able to come back the next day if we really wanted to. There's no pressure to get everything done, to take our time wandering around the parks. I love it.

Lately I've been missing Spencer quite a bit. Not just the fact that we were almost something more than friends, but because I miss the friendship we had. I'm still not sure what caused him to run off the way he did, or why he'll sporadically show up for a second, to remind me that he's out there and for whatever reason, I'm not allowed to get to him. It's almost cruel.... though I'm sure that isn't his intention.

There's this song from Spring Awakening called "My Junk." And if anyone were my junk, it would be him, hands down. I don't know, I don't think I've ever been so compelled to call someone just to hear their voice. And god, do I miss his. Low and rough, slightly southern with an eclectic twang to it... Or his laugh, oh my gosh.

Basically I miss having someone who got me, the way he seemed to. Maybe he never really did, when you consider the fact that he could run away the moment we had our "grown up relationship talk." I know that if we had dated, it would have been hard. I had already done the long-distance disaster thing. But with him, things were just different-- easy, he felt like coming home after being gone for who knows how long.

Eh, I don't know, lolol.

No, I do know something;

I know that he's stupid (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, because hello, he's freakin' intelligent) for giving up on me, for whatever reason. He gave up on the chance to have something really wonderful with an exceptional person, I'm one of a kind and I know he could see, as he constantly commented on us and wanting me was just too painful.

Rejection is hard, especially when you have a strong and very obvious connection with someone. It isn't just the parts of you that you don't like that they're passing on; it's your sense of humor, my awesome british accent, it's the way I laugh and can make a whole room come to a stop with how bright I shine... It's my stretch marks and breasts and lips, my kisses and the way I'd hold them at night.

But in all honesty, if he didn't know what he wanted, if he wasn't aware of what he had when he had it, why would I want to be with him anyway? I'm one of a kind and if someone can't see that while they're with me, while they have the best parts of who I am and understand the bad and ugly parts too, why would I waste another second thinking about them?

Good riddance, who needs them.

But knowing all that, it doesn't stop me from missing him.

"You have to excuse me, I know it's so off; I love when you do stuff that's rude and so wrong!"

Oh. I'm thinking seriously about getting into some musical troupe or musicals. Something, anything to scratch this incrdible itch.

On aching and phantom limbs.

I know I said I was too lazy to write tonight, but something happened and I just need to clear my head.

Today marks an official month since we buried Ronnie. Every mile stone since he's passed, seems so absurd. Like it honestly cannot be real. It doesn't matter how many days go by, it all hurts. Some days, it's a dull throb in my chest, a steady but faint reminder; other days, the pain tears through me repeatedly and I am completely incompaciated. Either way, it's always there and I'm always aware of the ache.

My mom and I were watching the Ghost Whisperer. Usually it isn't a show we watch; we record it, but there are other things we'd rather watc, so it just kind of sits there and the episodes pile up. For some reason, I started watching them tonight.

The episode that came on was about a man who came back from Iraq with PTSD. He was being followed by the spirirt of the men in his unit... and it just set me off. I couldn't help it, by the end of the episode I was in tears...

Today has been off all around. I woke up emotional, not able to remember what I dreamt about and I feel disorientated.

In the past week, I've run into Vanessa twice. Which is odd. I haven't seen her in a few weeks and I've literally never run into her before, on campus or otherwise.

I almost feel like maybe, Ronnie is pushing me towards her. I don't know why, but it just seems so strange to run into her twice, in a span of three days, when it has never happened before. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, that it's all just a coincidence...

Marquis and I have talked about seeing one another soon, for coffee and to talk.

There are things I'm still beating myself up over concerning Ronnie.The fact that the last thing he said to me was my name and the fact that I missed his message, and immediately thought it was okay because there was always another day to talk.

Not seeing him on his leave because I was in Chino basically the entire time. Even though we had spent months making plans with one another for when he was home. Literally, months of talking about what we'd do with one another, even for a day, because we missed one another so much. I wish I had fought harder to make him come see me while I was working. Or that the odd night I was home, I wish I would have called to see if he was busy.

I regret that I never got to see him again, or hug him, or hear his voice.

"Don't you wish you could go back to when you hadn't lost anything?"

Right now, I know he would be kicking my ass about my schooling. But I also know that he'd be proud of taking charge of a few things in my personal life. And he'd probably ask me why I felt the need to dye my hair black and pierce my nose, why such drastic changes when I was perfectly fine the way I was? Regardless, he'd support me. I find comfort, even if it's small, in that simple truth.

No matter what, as long as I've known him, he has always supported me, even when he didn't necessarily like or understand what it was I did or wanted. He never once took away his kindness or love, due to my stupidity or innate stubbornness.

Everyone says that time heals all wounds... I don't expect miracles, I don't expect to wake up one morning perfectly fine, without a hole in my chest. I really don't. But I didn't expect to still be this lost a month later. But then again, I don't really know what I expected at this point.

Well, no, I do. I expected to wake up from the nightmare.

Some days, I feel like if I believe hard enough, if I wish long enough, this will be a mistake.

That even though we've all gone through the motions, that without a doubt he's gone, there's been a mix up and he's recovering from an injury somewhere.

I suppose it's one of those things where if you knew him, you'd understand how completely ridiculous it wold be for him to be gone. With Ronnie, the reconcilation between him and death, it just doesn't make any sense. He was the antithesis of death-- he was life personified. It could be almost anyone else and the shock of it wouldn't nearly be as great.

So yeah, some days I wake up and expect to find out the last month has been a mistake. That the last 41 days have been an incredible misunderstanding and the pain we all feel, hasn't been due to us. That we can wake up and laugh, as this little mix up will be a memory to all of us who have lived through it. And he would be there, laughing and glad to be alive, and completely aware of how much he is loved and appreciated. Not just by the family he has made here in Rancho, but by his fellow troops, and those who did not know, but were still touched by his incredible life.

Me: Well, regardless of what you think of yourself, I fucking love you.
Ronnie: As I love you.

I miss our late night talks so much.

Out of everyone, he's the one person I want to talk to right now. The only person I've wanted to talk to since befoe he passed... He's the only one I'd trust right now to be gentle with me, but honest... I just miss his warmth. And the fact that we've put up with each other's "bitching" for the last seven years like no one else could.

It really has been like losing my brother. That isn't an exaggeration.

I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemies.

I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Because I'm too lazy to actually write.

Level 1:


(x) Smoked A Cigarette

( ) Smoked A Cigar

(x) Kissed a member of the same sex

(x) Drank Alcohol

SO FAR: 3



Level 2

(x) Are / Been In Love
(x)Been Dumped

(x) Shoplifted

( ) Been Fired

(x) Been In A Fist Fight

SO FAR: 7



Level 3

(x) Had A Crush On An Older Person

(x) Skipped School

( ) Slept With A Co-worker

(x) Seen Someone / Something Die

SO FAR: 10



Level 4

(x) Had / Have A Crush On One Of Your Facebook Friends

( ) Been To Paris

( ) Been To England

(x) Been On A Plane

( ) Thrown Up From Drinking

SO FAR: 12



Level 5

(x) Eaten Sushi

( ) Been Snowboarding

(x) Met Someone BECAUSE Of Facebook/Myspace/MXit

(x) Been in a Mosh Pit

SO FAR: 15



Level 6

(x) Taken Pain Killers

(x) Loved/Liked Someone Who You Can’t Have

(x) Laid On Your Back And Watched Cloud Shapes Go By

(x) Made A Snow Angel

SO FAR: 19



Level 7

( ) Had A Tea Party

(x) Flown A Kite

(x) Built A Sand Castle

( ) Gone Mudsliding

(x) Played Dress Up

SO FAR: 22



Level 8

(x) Jumped Into A Pile Of Leaves

(x) Gone Sledding

(x) Cheated While Playing A Game

(x) Been Lonely

(x) Fallen Asleep At Work / School

SO FAR: 27



Level 9

(X) Watched The Sun Set

(x) Felt An Earthquake

(x) Held A Snake

SO FAR: 30



Level 10

(x) Been Tickled

(x) Been Robbed / Vandalized

(x) Been Cheated On

(x) Been Misunderstood

SO FAR: 34



Level 11

(x) Won A Contest

( ) Been Suspended From School

(x) Had Detention (Saturday School?)

(x) Been In A Car / Motorcycle Accident

SO FAR: 37



Level 12

(x) Had / Have Braces

(x) Eaten A Whole Pint Of Ice Cream In One Night

(x) Danced In The Moonlight

SO FAR: 40



Level 13

(x) Hated The Way You Look

(x) Witnessed A Crime

(x) Pole Danced

(x) Questioned Your Heart

(x) Been Obsessed With Post It Notes

SO FAR: 45



Level 14

(x) Squished Barefoot Through The Mud

(x) Been Lost

( ) Been To The Opposite Side Of The World

(x) Swam In The Ocean

(x) Felt Like You Were Dying

SO FAR: 49



Level 15

(x) Cried Yourself To Sleep

(x) Played Cops And Robbers

(x) Recently Coloured With Crayons / Coloured Pencils / Markers

(x) Sang Karaoke

(x) Paid For A Meal With Only Coins (it was an Ethnomethodolgy experiment for class, I'm not that much of an asshole)

SO FAR: 54



Level 16

(x) Done Something You Told Yourself You Wouldn’t

(x) Made Prank Phone Calls

(x) Laughed Until Some Kind Of Beverage Came Out Of Your Nose

(x) Kissed In The Rain

SO FAR: 58



Level 17

(x) Written A Letter To Santa Clause

(x) Watched The Sun Set and/or Sun Rise With Someone You Care/Cared About

(x) Blown Bubbles

(x) Made A Bonfire On The Beach or Anywhere

SO FAR: 62



Level 18

( ) Crashed A Party

( ) Have Traveled More Than 5 Days With A Car Full Of People

(x) Gone Rollerskating / Blading

(x) Had A Wish Come True

SO FAR: 64



Level 19

(x) Worn Pearls

( ) Jumped Off A Bridge

( ) Swam With Dolphins

SO FAR: 65



Level 20

(x) Got Your Tongue Stuck To A Pole/Freezer/Ice Cube

( ) Kissed A Fish

(x) Worn The Opposite Sex’s Clothes

(x) Sat On A Roof Top

SO FAR: 68



Level 21

(x) Screamed At The Top Of Your Lungs

(x) Done / Attempted A One-Handed Cartwheel

(x) Talked On The Phone For More Than 4 Hours

(x) Recently Stayed Up For A While Talking To Someone You Care About

SO FAR: 72



Level 22

(x) Picked And Ate An Apple Right Off The Tree

(x) Climbed A Tree

(x) Had/Been In A Tree House

(x) Been Scared To Watch Scary Movies Alone

SO FAR: 76



Level 23

(x) Believe In Ghosts

( ) Have/had More Than 30 Pairs Of Shoes

( ) Streaking

( ) Visited a Jail

SO FAR: 77



Level 24

(x) Played Chicken

(x) Been Told You’re Hot By A Complete Stranger

(x) Broken A Bone

(x) Been Easily Amused

SO FAR: 81



Level 25

(x) Caught A Fish Then Ate It Later

( ) Made A Porn Movie

(x) Caught A Butterfly

(x) Laughed So Hard You Cried

(x) Cried So Hard You Laughed

SO FAR: 85



Level 26

(x) Mooned/Flashed Someone

(x) Had Someone Moon/Flash You

(x) Cheated On A Test

(x) Forgotten Someone’s Name

( ) French Braided Someones Hair

(x) Gone Skinny Dipping

( ) Been Kicked Out Of Your House

SO FAR: 90



Level 27

(x) Rode A Roller Coaster

(x) Went Scuba-Diving/Snorkeling

( ) Had A Cavity

( ) Black-Mailed Someone

(x) Been Black Mailed

SO FAR: 93



Level 28

(x) Been Used

(x) Fell Going Up The Stairs

(x) Licked by A Cat

(x) Bitten Someone

(x) Licked Someone

SO FAR: 98



Level 29

(x) Been Shot At/Or At Gunpoint

( ) Had Sex In The Rain

( ) Flattened Someones Tires

( ) Driven Your Car Until The Fuel Light Came On

( ) Got $20 Or Less Worth Of Fuel

Total: 99

These are so lame, but they can be awesome conversation starters.

If anyone actually reads this thing.

Ask me something interesting:

http://www.formspring.me/girlcalledradar

K, thanks.

And hey darling, I hope you're good tonight.

I cut and dyed my hair and I'm incredibly happy with how it turned out. My mom called me Garcia, and if you've never seen Criminal Minds, then you probably won't understand. But I love the comparison. Tomorrow I'm going out to buy red lipstick and a new hair dryer, so I can actually do my hair.

Today was odd. It was good, it was bad, it was liberating. There isn't one word or emotion that would do the last day of November justice. My day started off on an awkward note-- my mom and I were both stressed and snapped at one another. We apologized right after, but that's how my day began. I was with Brenda all day, so she could do my hair. It was really nice since I hadn't seen her since the beginning of September. But the thing I love most about our relationship is that no matter how long we go without seeing one another, we always just fall back into our natural rhythm with one another. We talked, laughed, went out to buy dye. Came back to my place, sat outside (in the front yard) and she started to dye my hair.

I know that probably sounds awkward, but it was actually really nice. Especially since I'm so sensitive to hair dye-- being outside prevented a headache and feeling sick. But then things got ugly.

My father was supposed to come to the house today to pick up clothing-- a court appointed visitation to the house. My aunt was here. And immediately, they started in on one another. In the front yard, in broad day light, in front of Brenda and the entire neighborhood.

Literally every other word was whore-- out of both their mouths. Just, vile. My dad's friend, someone I grew up thinking was my uncle, just stood there and let him talk to her that way. In my opinion, it doesn't matter what a woman says to you, you should NEVER verbally assualt a female. I kept pointing towards him, to get my father and he'd go, "Come on, let's go" but that didn't work.

After 40 minutes of this, I turned and yelled at both of them-- "Shut up, both of you! You're supposed to be adults, not children. Now shut up and leave. Just go!" My dad's eyes almost fell out of his head. I started crying... My mom came out of the house, and oh my god, I was so proud of her. She wasn't emotional-- but calm, rational, a momma lionness. After that my dad calmed down... but it was ugly. I almost called the cops and was honestly surprised none of the neighbors had.

Brenda left so I could rinse out the dye and calm down. She sent me a text after I apologized and said, "No, it's really okay. I just feel terrible for you, my poor baby!" My heart was so full of love, I could barely contain it.

She came back over, finished my hair, I went out.

Had a talk with someone that I probably should of have had over two years ago. Even before it though, I knew the outcome...  I don't know what I expected exactly. I basically said everything I felt, which is something I don't do, I'm not that person. But I exposed myself and yeah, it hurt to an extent to hear that they "don't know what I want," but didn't. I don't know. I wish I could explain this better? It was liberating for sure. Everything I said I'm pretty sure of: I know that I could make them happy, that I do. But I also know that letting the situation go on any longer wouldn't have been fair to me, or them, or anyone else who may have been involved.

Another thing I'm sure of though? Even though we decided to stay friends. He's going to miss me-- more than he realizes right now. I'm not the type of person you forget, and that's a promise.

But!

Maybe it's true what they say; "when one door closes, another one opens."

Almost at the same time, this guy I've been talking to for a few weeks asked me out on a date. Of course I had to say no because it was for right then and I was already out. But we decided that we will go on one, and he'll figure out something really fun for us. I'm excited for that... it'll be nice to actually go out in public with someone I have some feelings for. It's too early to say anything on that front, but we do get along really well. He's older, which I like, we banter and he keeps me laughing, he's taller than I am, musically inclined, and pretty cute.

We shall see.

I should get to sleep soon....

But first, what I'm listening to:

"If it means a lot to you"- A Day To Remember
"My Chick Bad"- Ludacris Ft/Nicki Minaj
"When 3's a Crowd"- A Day To Remember
"All I Want"- A Day To Remember
"Everyone Nose (remix, ft/ a shit ton of people)"- N.E.R.D

Also, I ran into Leah today. That was great. Got to spend time with Megan, Sam, and Josh-- a lot of laughs. And then I got to spend time with Linds and Kristin =)

My schedule for the rest of the week, and some of next week:

Wednesday: School (group presentations! oh noes!), eyebrows, spend time with my momma, drive out to Hollywood with Kristin for the Eve 6 show!

Thursday: Fancy Dinner Date Night at Sam's. 60s theme, cooking our own dinner! Grilled chicken and pasta, with veggies. Pick out secret santas.

Friday: Sleep! Megan's for movie night.

Saturday: Maybe seeing Krista =)

Sunday:

Monday: School.

Tuesday: Disneyland!

I'm just trying to keep myself busy and a smile on my face.

Either this coming week, or the week after will be my date. And I'm nervous and excited and mostly just nervous, lol. But he is such a nice guy. I don't know.

I'm missing Ronnie more and more every day. I went to IM his screen name last night, which I do occasionally... and it was no longer on my buddylist. I don't know why small things like that have the biggest impact. Like, little by little, he's slowly disappearing. The sudden loss, the denial, and now every day little tangible pieces are falling away.

After he passed, a week after maybe, I called his cell phone just to hear his voice and the number had already been disconnected. It's those little things... I just miss him.

Raise your glass if you're wrong in all the right ways.

The last month has been hard-- and even before that, knowing that my father could be served any day with divorce papers. The preperation for that, the stress with all the fighting going on daily, the tension... My grades have definitely taken a hit. At this point there's nothing I can do but finish the semester as gracefully as I can, with as much dignity as possible. I don't expect to pass with As-- maybe a B somewhere, if I'm lucky.

It is what it is at this point and I know I can't go back and change my incredible inattention. But I can accept it, move on and learn from it. I'm an adult, and a part of being an adult is owning up to your mistakes and hoping to better from them. Next semester I will try much harder, no questions asked- though I'm already aware that there will be outside stressors. I'll do my best to keep my head held high and kick the living shit out of my course work.

So far I have classes M-TH. M/W Start at 8am and my last class ends at 8pm. Thankfuly I have enough time between the two to take a nap and work on course-work. And my T/THs start at 930am and end at 11am. Hopefully I can find a job that allows me to work around this schedule. I do, however plan on adding more classes to my schedule. An introduction to Edu/Child Dev, and a Math lecture, but I have to wait until after waitlists are open.

I'm taking a political science class with Krista and Anna, and maybe Josh if he's able to register for it/wants to. I'm also taking a yoga class in the evenings with my friend Mary, which I'm really looking forward to.

And even though I'm keeping a positive outlook for what's to come school-wise, this isn't what this blog is about.

Like I said before, the last month has been incredibly hard. It still hits me at random times that one of the best friends I've ever had, is gone. I don't know, it's not something anyone is equipped to deal with, especially not at 20 when our lives are really just beginning. So I've spent a good amount of time feeling sorry for myself-- for the entire situation. Stuck in this limbo of caring too much and being numb from the inside out.

I've stopped taking care of me. And I know that Ronnie would have hated that. Over the years, he helped keep me together; always encouraging me to move forward, no matter how hard it was. There was never a day that passed where he let me forget my worth-- and if I somehow did, he would spend as much time as he could reinforcing the fact that I'm priceless.

In the past month, my sleeping schedule has gone to shit. I've always had dark circles, due to my night-owl tendencies, but now they're just ridiculous. And sort of scary. I've lost close to 15lbs, on top of the 10lbs that always seems to be in constant flux.

I've had amazing days, no doubt about it. With such sadness, there comes a deeper appreciation and understanding of the things that make you happy, and the people who put nothing but smiles on your face.

But still, that isn't the point of this blog.

The point is....

That I need a change. And the change has to come from me. Yes, I know that I will have bad days and that the bad days will be painful; that I won't want to get out of bed at times, that I'll want to cry without ever wanting to stop in the hopes that I'll expel every negative feeling from my heart and head.

And I will take those days. I know that I have to let myself feel everything, or one day ten years from now, I'll wake up and break down for no reason.

In the last year, I've made these incredible leaps in finding out who I am as a person.

I'm less shy, I'm more apt to speak my mind-- even on the off-chance of sound stupid; I can walk down the street with confidence, knowing that I'm beautiful, even if it isn't the most conventional type of beauty. There's no doubt as to how intelligent I am, but I can embrace it without feeling like such a nerd-- without feeling as boring as cardboard.

The thing I'm most aware of, however, is how much I have to offer to others-- to another person, speficially.

And now I think it's time for the outside to match the incredible inside that I have.

Yes, I know that I'm attractive.

I'm aware of it so much that I'm applying to be a cite model for a plus-size clothing store.

But I've always prided myself on how casual I am. I've only just realized that you can still be casual and nonchalant about the way you look, with some effort. Waking up every day with frizzy hair and saying to myself that it's okay, is going to be a thing of the past.

Dressing in the same tired outfit every day is going to change.

I'm actually going to do my hair, my make up, and dress the way I want to. Even if that I means I have to wake up earlier than I actually want to.

Why? Not to please anyone else, but because I deserve it.

I deserve to recognize all of those wonderful things about the person I am, and really bring them to the table. So I never forget how incredible I really am. Especially right now, when I don't feel so bright and shiny in the world around me.

Another part of this whole, change-experiment is not letting myself settle for second best.

Trust me when I say I will do things you will never forget. That I can give myself and love another person like they've never been loved before. I'm not a stop along the way, but the destination. And I want it all-- not just the occasional text, the occasional kiss, I deserve it all.

I'm not really looking for anyone. Lord knows I'm too young to want a heavily serious relationship-- I'm not looking for marriage or kids. But someone to spend time with. Someone to go to sleep next to and wake up next to on occasion.

Someone who will read to me, or let me read to them-- who will go mini-golfing and play board games in their underwear with me. Someone who will fuck me all night, challenge and keep me on my toes all day. I just want something real.

Not the stuff I've been settling for.

I'm going to be 21 soon.

Very soon.

And yes, that means I will be going out to drink, to dance, to do things that I've always said were unappealing, only because I felt like they shouldn't appeal to me.

Fuck it, I'm just going to live on my terms; with the people I love and accomplish the things I want to accomplish. That's it, that's all there is to it.

I'm going to cut my hair and dye it, I'm going to wear red lipstick, and wear little black dresses.

I'm just going to live because there's nothing else I can do.

That's it.

That's the point.

How close am I to losing you?

If I had been brave enough today, if I had been sure I could have gotten through talking about you without my voice breaking beyond recognition, I would have spoken up.

I would have told everyone that we had met about seven years ago, and that our friendship was just a natural progression. One day we were strangers and the next we weren't. I would have talked about how absolutely awe-struck I was by you and your immediate kindness and acceptance of some strange, silly girl. And how almost nothing in my life has been as easy as being your friend.

But there's no way I could have gotten through it, even with the strength I know you're giving to me daily, even with all the love in that room.

But I would have told everyone about the Halloweens we spent together, the long walks in the park, our incredible heart to heart talks; or how your friendship kept me sane, and most importantly alive, when all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and waste away. How no matter the day, no matter the time, you were always there for me, even when you were on the otherside of the planet, fighting for your life.

I would have told everyone that sophomore year of high school, you joined show choir just so we could all be in it together, even though you were so far outside of your very obvious comfort zone; but your drive to succeed was there, and of course you outshined everyone.

There's so many things I would have said to you, for you, about you-- most of them the people in that room already know, though.

Your courage, obvious since the day I met you. Your smile, and how it never once left your face; how it could literally brighten up a room or cheerup a crying girl. Your amazing presence, and how though you're gone, I can still feel you all around me and inside of my heart. Your perception and how you always made me look twice at the world around me, even if I felt I gave it a good look the first time around. Your humor, and how just thinking of your laughter brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.

I would have spoken about your generous and genuine heart, and how you never failed those around you.

When Cruz spoke today, I immediately burst into tears. For having never met him, I recognized him right away. From one conversation with him, and all those memories you shared with me, I recognized him as my brother and another hurting heart. Afterwards, hugging him and talking with him; Babe, he's so much like you... your speech inflections, your mannerisms, even the way you laugh.

It was like standing next to you, getting to feel your warmth and heartbeat all in his form

Today was hard. And I know I've said it one millions time and that I'll probably say it one million more, but even with all the evidence, this still doesn't feel real.

You're my Ronnay, remember? And I'm your Mollay! And this shouldn't be happening.

Tomorrow we're saying our goodbyes to an amazing man; someone wise beyond his years and more compassionate than most of the people I've ever met, in numbers.

Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to one of my best friends; someone I never imagined would be apart of my life, someone I am so grateful to have known and loved and grown up with.

I know it isn't goodbye. That I carry you irrevocably in my heart. And that you will be with my every day, until we're meant to meet again, wherever we're meant to meet.

Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to a brother, to  my brother; and thought we're not related by blood, that is bond nothing can break-- not even something as cruel as death.

I love you, babe.

I wish there was more time, more memories, and definitely more pictures. I wish I had paid more attention to every single detail of every single day spent with you. But I know the sound of your voice, I may not hear it when I try to recall it, but there's a lift and recognition in my heart, that yes, that's you. I remember the feel of you, your hugs and breathing and how comfort meant just standing next to you.

Forever and ever, to infinity and beyond, Ronnie J.

Do you remember the time that you wanted to remind me that you love me? I know, and I will remember for the rest of my life-- I was loved by you and you are forever loved by me.

Sleep well, brother.

Sleep with the angels; sleep and rest and know that you are remembered and loved beyond measure.

Every now and then I try to find a place in my mind where you can stay, you can stay awake forever.

Time still turns the pages of the book its burned.

I got this question in my formspring/ask box:

Do you think your life will ever be the same again?
This was my reply:

No, there's no going back.... Ronnie J was one of my best friends, he was like a brother to me. I've been thinking back these last couple of days, and so much of my life is made up with him in it. I don't think I will ever understand the great loss of him in my life-- or in the world. It doesn't seem real and I can't imagine it ever will. The closest I've gotten to the 'real' feeling is standing at his Honors flag with others who are just as confused, sad, angry, and at a loss as I am; or when I saw the transfer photos of his remains.... The news reports, the articles, the fact that I go between being absolutely numb and hysterical, none of that does it for me. Even seeing Vanessa, talking to Cruz and his mother hasn't hit it home for me yet.


Knowing that he would have been 20 today makes it that much worse. Knowing that on his last leave, we didn't get to see one another, even though we planned to rent Scarface and have Californication marathons, just makes me feel hollow. Knowing that I will never see his beautiful smile or feel his warmth or amazing hugs again makes my heart hurt. He had so much life to live and he will never get the chance to do so now. It isn't fair... and I can't help but feel guilty that he's gone. We were close, but I could have appreciated him so much more. And while I knew the possiblity was there for him to get injured, the longer he was there without incident, the more secure I became in his safety. He tried getting ahold of me five days before he was killed, and it's eating at me that I didn't see his message. I had no idea that I would never get to talk to him again-- that I would ever get to tell him I love him again, or to have him say it back.

I wish I could have done more for him.


My heart hurts... it's hard to breathe; difficult to eat and to sleep. I can barely be in the same room as people who don't understand what it is I'm going through, I can barely talk to them without wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. How does life go on after something like this? Please, tell me.

Tell me how my life will ever be the same. Try to explain that to me. Please. Tell me how to be brave and strong and not completely broken by his absence.


Would your life ever be the same after the loss of your brother?
---
I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but how could my life ever go back to what it was? Honestly? There will forever be this tremendous hole in my heart, where his laughter and hugs and general kindess filled space. This loss is marked so differently than the ones I've experienced in the last three years. I'm so used to people dying in stages, being older, or not being as close to them as I should have been... Sickness is something you don't necessarily expect, but sickness gives you time to prepare-- it's painful and terrible and it's heart-breaking; but it gives you time.

Ronnie was taken from us so suddenly, so unexpectedly. None of us could have prepared ourselves for this. One second he was here, and the next he was gone. He hadn't even turned 20 yet.

I would love for someone to tell me how to go about my normal life, because nothing feels normal right now. I'm literally walking in a haze where nothing feels real, not one damn thing. It hurts to smile, it hurts to laugh; I can barely get out of bed in the morning and most days, I don't; I'll lay there until I know I can't lay there anymore. It's easy getting to sleep because I am so emotionally exhausted, but my dreams are terrible or I wake up often, not sure of where I am or what's happened, and then it hits me again and I'm a mess. Since Saturday, I think I've eaten maybe a total of six or seven times. I can't keep things down without becoming physically ill. My eyes are so tired.... every bit of my body aches; not in physical pain, but from this exhaustion. It's too difficult to be around people who haven't been touched by this. If I'm not with at least one of them when out in public, I become so angry and so emotional, that I can't function. I walk into class and I burst into tears. There is nothing I'd rather do less, than sit through lecture and try to pay attention when my mind is going literally, one thousand miles a minute and then some.

That loneliness of being with people who don't understand is so heavy, that I have to remind myself to breathe.

If you could possibly tell me how to go back to normal, to go back to the before, I would be so grateful. If you could turn back the clock, if you could save him, if he had never enlisted, if he were home safe right now, life could go on the way it had before. But that isn't reality.

THIS is reality now. And reality has never felt so unreal or unfair as it does right now.

I can't even begin to wrap my head around Ronnie being gone. The words don't make sense in my head and I can't reconcile the boy I know and love, with cold death. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. And he's never coming back... and at the same time, even though I know it and I feel it and its evidence is everywhere I turn, I can't believe it. Because it can't be real.

Your best friends don't die. And they certainly don't die during war. So fucking far away, you can't fathom what type of life they were living, even if you did talk every single day.

Tell me how.

Tell me how not to drown in my grief; tell me how to breathe without having to remind myself to do so; to eat and sleep and smile and laugh without hurting; tell me how to go back and how to be okay and happy; tell me how to be alone.... because right now, loneliness is the worst thing; tell me how not to resent everyone who doesn't understand, because as much as I may love them, I resent them so much.

Tell me how.

Remembering Ronnie J.

We celebrated you tonight, kid; the only way we knew how. We cried-- so many of us cried knowing we'd never see you again, the sad and heart-breaking realization hitting us with enough force to leave us breathless and confused.
We're getting the family back together tomorrow night, to remember you. It won't feel right without you, but we know you'll be there in spirit as you have been the last two years.

Ronnie... I can't believe it. 14 hours later and I am still in shock. You have been by my side since I was 14, and I can't imagine what my life will look like now, without you. My brother, my best friend, my rock and solid foundation. You made my first mixed CD, babe-- Orgy, NIN, TOOL-- I can't listen to them without your smiling face popping into my head. Halloween, trick or treating, playing truth or dare, and your head resting in my lap while we watched scary movies. All of our late night talks over the years, and especially our scandalous behavior. Every talk, every hug, even our silly disagreements that lasted all of three seconds, will always be dear to my heart...

They don't make them like you. You are so genuine, so honest, so compassionate; if there were a light in this world, you were it... And now your star is shining in the sky for all to see. You are such a beautiful person, and I know how truly blessed I am to have known you and to have loved you-- how blessed I am to carry you with me in my heart, always.

God, my heart is breaking all over again. It keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it. I know you wouldn't us to be sad. You would say you were doing your job, that you did what you had to do, but no one was prepared for this. We knew the harsh reality, we've known for two years... but with every joke about your safety to allievate the tension, the reality became less and less severe. And more and more like you were on vacation, that you'd be back soon, and we'd finally rent Scarface-- just so you could watch it with me and tease me over it.

I know you'll love the fact that we're going to get the family together... I don't know what we'll do, aside from what we did tonight; laugh about high school, talk about your heart and smile and talk about how you give the best hugs this world has ever seen; I'll probably tell the story of how you went back for the gatorade, even while you were being fired at without any sort of cover, and I'll laugh again and then cry, because god, that is so like you.

You are my hero... You will always be that for me. Even when we were freshmen in high school, I looked up to you so deeply. And then you signed up for the Army and my respect grew... Talking to you every night, waiting for days to hear from you, praying each night that your missions went well, and then the absolute relief when I would finally hear from you again... You are so brave, baby. So brave. And I am so proud of you, to know you, to call you brother and best friend and keeper of my secrets.

I love you. And I wish I could put into words every feeling-- the shock, the disbelief, the devastation, the confusion, the love and admiration... But there aren't words enough, Ronnie. There will never be words to describe the type of person you are..

Your absence is settling into my bones. The certainity that you're gone... though my heart still leaps at the thought that there has been some sort of mistake, that it wasn't you; that you're safe and sound and protected from the harms that would befall you. It isn't real... and it won't be for sometime.

You will be forever remembered; forever missed; forever loved and celebrated.

I'm going to go to your flag today, the one on the way to the Ontario Mills.... I'm going to leave you the most beautiful flowers I can find, and then laugh at how silly it is... You'd hate the flowers and ask for a Dodgers cap instead; maybe, just maybe, you'll get one.

And your birthday... I'll be celebrating for you, babe. You were so close... I'll sing you a song and pray for you, and hope to god you can hear me. I'm getting my tattoo on your birthday, the claddagh I've been talking about for years. It's so relevant right now, and will forever remind me of you: Love, Loyalty and Friendship above all else, right honey?
I'm just not ready to say goodbye, honey... not even close.

Come visit my dreams.

In memory and in love, rest in peace Ronnie J Pallares.
10-28-90 * 10-23-10

Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving your life, so we could continue to live ours. The bravest man I ever knew, and ever hope to know. The US Army lost an out-standing soldier, babe; but I lost my best friend.

It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part; so much of me is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better and, because I knew you, because I knew you, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I love you, baby.

A pretty flower in a vase.

"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."


This quote perfectly sums up the last week of my life, especially tonight. I am not a concept. I won't make your problems go away, I'm not the answer to what it is you think you're missing. You are in no way entitled to me or my affection or whatever it is you want from me. Crushes are so easy to get swept in, I know; theyre exciting and fresh and they're great, especially if you genuinely get along with the person and the connection isn't a figment of your imagination. But just because you can banter and laugh or talk, doesn't mean things will go that way-- or that they should-- or that whoever feels the same way about you.
 
Sometimes I forget that when I talk to guys, there's potential for them to feel something for me. Usually I end up in the friend category, which I don't mind at all, some of my best and most loyal friends are guys-- but then I let my guard down and I am myself almost completely, and then this happens.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I've tried to be straight up with everyone as far as my feelings go...

But apparently that doesn't work?

I care about you, I do. I really do. But this whole night has just been... irritating. And I don't have anything else to say.

I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way, and that there are others out there who feel the same way about me that you do. But I owe you all nothing, except my friendship. And that's all I'm capable of giving to you. Either accept it and take it, or forget it and leave it be. But lord, don't go out of your way to make me feel bad or guilty.

The heart wants what the heart wants, and unfortunately, that doesn't work out for any one of us sometimes.

Day three: put your iPod on shuffle, what are the first ten songs?

This is sort of all my brain is capable of right now. I went through the list of prompts and this was the least difficult task on it. Today has been long. Not bad. Just long.

I'll do a brief update I suppose:

Sunday night I went to my aunt's for dinner. Came home. Fought with my dad, went out with friends. Was out til 4am. Studied for a my midterm, they helped. Slept for 4-5 hours. Got up for class, took my midterm. Had a longer break than usual. Math class, got my exam back, got a B+.

Here is where things get weird:

Monday night, a guy friend of mine came over. We had something a few years back, but I think of him pretty platonically now. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. And he kissed me. And then later he apologized because I was obviously uncomfortable/confusued. My face was a wonderful example of a WTF-face. I don't know. But anyway, I didn't get in and in bed til 630am. I woke up at 11:30  because I had a doctors' appointment. Lindsay went with me. And as far as doctor visits go, that wasn't the worst I've ever had. Plus I got goodies, ha.

Anyway!

Here is the list, I'll include my favorite lyrics from each song... because I'm sure you care. =)

1) "The Yard"- Trolle Siebenhaar
Better watch you stay or you might get scarred

Try and run away, you won't get far
Listen to the rails, get the canvas down,
If somebody sees you, head on the ground.
That's how it goes in the yard
That's how it goes in the yard

2) "Cliche Guevara"- Against Me!
So can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?

Turn gunshots and mortar blasts into a metaphor of how we are all the same.
Well there's a lot of things that should be said, (said) so we're hammering six strings,
Machine gun in audible voices, this is the party we came for.

3) "Archers"- Brand New
There is an ember in the heart of this kiln

and it's burning hot with love.
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
then rolling me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail.
What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely enjoy this broken thing..
You're a voice that never sings, that's what i say.
You are freezing over hell,
You are bringing on the end, you do so well.
you can only blame yourself, that's what I say.
who do you carry that torch for my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?

4) "Against the Grain"- City and Colour
when all your friends

have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood
when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart

5) "Additcted to Love"- Florence and the Machine (cover)
You see the signs,

but you can't read.
You're running at a different speed.
Your heart beats in double time.
Another kiss and you'll be mine.
A one track mind.
You can't be saves.
Because baby, your love is all you crave-
If there's some left for you, you don't mind if you do.
You like to think you're immune to the stuff.
Oh yeah.
Its closer to the truth to say you cant get enough.
You're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love.
Might as well face it,
you're addicted to love.
5) "Next Girl"- The Black Keys
Oh my next girl, yeah

Will be nothing like my ex girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again
Oh my next girl
She'll be nothing like my ex girl
That was a painful dance
I got a second chance yeah

6) "I'm Good, I'm Gone"- Lykke Li
And if you say I'm not OK

We must go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say you're not 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone
And i'm hanging around 'till it's all done
You can't keep me back once i had some
No wasting time to get it right
And you will see what i'm about

7) "Jennifer's Body" -Hole
You're hungry, but I'm starving

He cuts you down from the tree
He keeps you in a box by the bed
Alive, but just barely
He said, "I'm your lover, I'm your friend
I'm purity, hit me again"
With a bullet, number one, kill the family, save the son
Himself
Himself
The pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Now you're mine...

8) "Jaded"- Aerosmith
Hey j-j-jaded, you got your mama's style

But you're yesterday's child to me
So jaded
You think that's where it's at
But is that where it's supposed to be
You're gettin' it all over me and serrated  
My my baby blue
Yeah I been thinkin' about you
My my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you

9) "Here's to the Night"- Eve 6
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind

In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
All my time is froze in motion

Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

10) "In My Head" -Jason Derulo (I feel like this is probably the most out of place song of the ten..?)
Just leave with me now, say the word and we'll go (we can go)
I'll be your teacher, I'll show you the ropes (you the ropes)
You'll see a side of love you've never known
I can see it going down, going down
In my head, I see you all over me
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy
In my head, you'll be screaming ohh
In my head, it's going down
In my head, it's going down
In my head, yeah
In my head, oh yeah

So those are the ten... It took longer than I expected.

And I had a bit of trouble picking my favorite lyrics for a few songs. >>

Anyway! School in the morning.

Music: The Great Uniter.

Obviously I'm a few days behind on my 30 project, but unfortunately I'm not much for concentrating right now... So I figure I should write something, even if it isn't necessarily relevant to why I started this blog. But eventually, the 30 days will be up and I'll need something else to write about...

Just got with it.

Right now I'm listening to "I Need a Girl Part 1&2" by P.Diddy. Anyone who knows me, knows this isn't something I would normally listen to. But what you probably don't know is that my first 'boyfriend' gave me this CD when we were together. At the time, I was still rabid over N*sync and the Backstreet Boys (still a fan, ya'll! nothing like the stuff you grew up, on right? the stuff that wasn't your parent's music), but he handed me this CD and I fell in love. And mostly because the music reminded me of him. It probably could have been anything on that CD and I would have played it every night before bed, thinking it was the best thing I'd ever heard.

Listening to it now, when I literally haven't heard either song in... at least six or seven years? It takes me right back to that school year; the day I realized I had a crush on him, that valentine's day, the day he asked me out, our first kiss, that summer. Our short-lived romance summarized and relived within the few minutes of a song.

It even leads me to other songs tied to strong emotions concerning him-- other memories. The song "Happy" by Ashanti. The pool party where I had decided we were going to get 'back together' and finding out that he had kissed my friend that same day, after I had danced around like a fool to the aforementioned song, thinking how true it was. And later that day when he apologized, when we went home with a handful of our friends and played truth or dare on my bedroom floor. Our first kiss with tongue and the fact that he was the first guy to ever grab my breasts.

Music has always been such an important part of my life. But isn't that the standard? Was there anything more cliche I could have said? No, most likely not. I used to think that my appreciation was singular to me and that regardless of what anyone else said, they couldn't understand or appreciate or grasp or love it as much as I did. And sometimes, I still feel that way.

That snobbery comes from having studied and done music most of my life. I feel entitled to it, almost. Selfishly of course... but true none-the-less. For me, it seems easy to pin-point someone who likes music, as opposed to someone who has lived music. But I won't get too much into it.

What I meant to say in not so many words, was that music is important to me.

And one of the things I love about it, more than anything, is how relateable it is. There's a reason that the people in my life have their own songs; why I'll never be able to listen to "I Need a Girl" without thinking about Dan; why certain songs I used to love, I can't stand anymore. It is so accessible, so tangible, that it eventually becomes apart of who you and the life you're leading.

That's one of my favorite things about having studied music. It isn't just a surface appreciation. It's understanding that all the parts have to work together-- that's it math and beauty and hard-work and dedication all rolled into one. If a single part is off, then the piece can't come together. You can't create those connections or those memories, nothing is going to flow through you except for disappointment and the drive to do better next time.

"Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment." -Sarah Dessen

I miss making music. Singing in my bathroom is great. I never have to worry about the notes I can't quite get-- I still get embarrassed, but I don't have an instructor or trainer reprimanding me for my mistake. I can goof-off without any sort of consquence. And for the love of god, if I want to drink milk before I belt something out, no one is going to ring my neck for less than stellar vocal quality. If I'm driving with friends, I can sing off-key for the hell of it without worrying. I can just sing and feel no pressure.And I love that.

But nothing beats making the music. Not the love for the finished product, not the memories, or the instant connections from one song to another-- nothing. It's the way it literally has to flow through you. It's the way you breathe-- and how sometimes, you can't catch your breath for the life of you. It's knowing that you are the vessel and that you are making something worth-while, even if it doesn't matter to anyone but you.

God.

I just love it.

That is my element. That is where I feel the most comfort, the most peace of mind. It's why I look at sheet music from my computer, or spend hours digging through my stuff to find pieces from old shows. Every morning when I get up to take a shower, I get giddy knowing that I will be able to sing and listen to music and expell every negative thought and feeling from my person.

It's just a beautiful thing. And I know how utterly blessed I am to have experienced music as the maker and the listener. That I'm lucky to have such a strong emotional connection to almost every song I hear-- because it brings up someone I've cared about, or because I can feel the sweat and tears and labor and love put into every composition.