I'm getting older, too.

Oh
Mirror in the sky
What is love?

Can the child in my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well
I've been afraid of changing
Cause I built around you
Time makes you bolder

Children get older
And I'm getting older, too.

Some facts?

10 Facts About My Room:

1. The walls used to a heavy purple that I loved growing up.
   
2. All of my dressers/night stands used to belong to my grandmother.
   
3. My parents gifted me with my TV when I 'graduated' from junior high.
   
4. The closet doors in my room fell on me once and I couldn't move them for 30-45 minutes. (Or, I wasn't able to get help for about 30-45 minutes).
   
5. One closet door is decorated with magazine clippings, inspiring quotes/favorite bible verse (James 1:2-4 "Consider it pure joy..."), and photos.
   
6. My bedroom used to be two separate bedrooms, one for each of my older siblings. When I was still in elementary, my family knocked the wall down between the two.
   
7. I have double doors.
   
8. I don't have curtains, instead there's a blanket where they should be.
   
9. For about two years, the wall behind my head was covered completely in photos.
   
10. I have wooden floors.

9 Facts About My Family:

1. My younger brother and I have two older, half-siblings.
   
2. Most of the men in my family served in the military.
   
3. I didn't meet my dad's side of the family until I was 14 (not including half-memories from when I was super young).
   
4. My last name means Eagle.
   
5. My paternal family is mostly Jewish, while my maternal family is mostly Christian.
   
6. I was lucky and grew up learning about both religions and their practices.
   
7. Paternal family is (mostly) Russian, my maternal family is every thing in Europe.
   
8. In height, skin color, facial shape, and fingers (weird?), I take after my mom's family. In hair and eyes, I take after my dad. I'm almost a head shorter than my siblings, with a very fair complexion, and freckles; while my siblings are obviously tall, naturally olive/tanned skinned, and only my little brother has a hint of freckles.
   
9. Growing up, all of us kids had curly hair. Now, just my little brother and I carry the torch for naturally unruly hair.

8 Facts About My Body:

1. I'm 5'4"
   
2. My mouth is a perfect cupid's bow, only a bit less plump than the standard.
   
3. My feet are normally a size 7.5, but depending on the shoe (and especially heels), I can wear anything to a snug 9.
   
4. I have had ten piercings in my life.
   
5. Currently, I have one small tattoo behind my left ear.
   
6. My hands are super small.
   
7. I have stretch-marks, gasp!
   
8. I wore braces for four years.

7 Facts About My Childhood:

1. My family and I would go to Disneyland almost every week/weekend.
   
2. Before I had turned 13, I had been to every island in Hawaii, some multiple times.
   
3. My older brother and sister moved out of state when I was three.
   
4. Growing up, on my birthday my little brother would get a present, and vice versa on his birthday.
   
5. People would stop my parents to hold me or to have their pictures taken with me. To this day, I think it's sort of weird, sort of cool, that random families have photos of me. I was a cute kid.
   
6. Every night when I was trying to fall asleep, I would listen to the same few CDs: Lifescapes, Beethoven; Lifescapes, Lullabies; and Jeff Victor's Emerald Isle. (These three CDs are on my ipod as an adult and when I can't sleep, I put them on.)
   
7. I would run up to people and ask, "Do you want to be my friend?" Especially at fairs, since my little     brother hated going on rides back then.

6 Facts About My Best Friends:

1. I've known most of them for years-- 7/8+ at least.
   
2. My best friend and I have the same laugh. At dinner one time, my mom was shocked when we giggled at the same thing at the same time, because she'd never realized, "how much like sisters you two really are!"
   
3. She also used to stay at my house for weeks/weekends at a time.
   
4. Most of them are crazy theater/choir/performer kids! And I can say with all honesty, that while we're the coolest people you'll ever meet, we also need more attention... because it's just who we are.
   
5. Most of my close friends are guys.
   
6. Now that we're 'old,' we're all stupidly nostalgic.

5 Facts About My Hometown: 

1. It is a suburban desert.
   
2. But it used to be full of incredible grape vineyards!
   
3. My town is basically obsolete to other people, including native Californians. Unfortunately people think if you live in California, you're from Los Angeles, Malibu, Napa Valley, San Diego, or San Francisco.
   
4. All of our newer buildings/remodeled buildings are the color of sand. Or dirt. Or mud.
   
5. We undoubtedly have the best local music scene.

4 Facts About My Parents:

1. They are 11 years apart in age.
   
2. Polar opposites.
   
3. My dad has four kids, while my mom has two.
   
4. They are thankfully almost done divorcing each other.

3 Facts About My Personality:

1. I'm a Hermione, not a Pansy.
   
2. I don't need anyone to save me. I don't need a man to feel validated. I don't need to be married to prove my femininity. I'm sort of cynical when it comes to relationships, especially young relationships... because, really?
   
3. Most of my friends say I'm the sweetest person they've ever met. In high school choir, I won "sweetest, best friend, most genuine" award, like every year. And even when I wasn't at the school anymore, I was given an honorary mention since I didn't technically qualify at that point.

2 Facts About My Favorite Things:

1. They've influenced my life greatly and if I had to live in a world where I knew they existed, but I wasn't able to reach them, it would drive me insane.
   
2. I'm grateful for them.

1 Fact About The Person I like:

1. They are blissfully unaware of the fact that I like them. And in this situation, it's better that way.

Forever Young.

May God bless and keep you always
May your wishes all come true
May you always do for others
And let others do for you
May you build a ladder to the stars
And climb on every rung
And may you stay forever young.

May you grow up to be righteous
May you grow up to true
May you always know the truth
And the light surrounding you
May you always be courageous
Stand upright and be strong
And may you stay
Forever young.

May your hands always be busy
May your may feet always be swift
May you have a strong foundation
When the winds of changes shift
And may your heart always be joyful
And may your song always be sung
And may you stay
Forever young.

And may you stay forever young. 

Without You.

One year without Ronnie J.

I've been trying to find my picture box from high school, but it's been packed away or is somewhere I've haven't thought to check yet. A few days after he died, I went into my room and there, on my nightstand, sat a single photo. I cried when I turned it over and saw his 15 year old face staring at me.

Still quite not sure how we made it here.

There's not much I can say that I haven't said in the past year, to be honest. But I will say this: I miss you every day, Ronnie. I love you to the moon and back, to infinity and beyond, and back to my heart again. Thank you for your friendship, your strength, your heart, and love. Thank you for every memory, every lesson learned, and even the rare fight. Thank you for being apart of my life, brother; without having known you, I'd be a completely different person and I'm not sure if I'd like her.

Today my community celebrates Ronnie Joseph Pallares: son, brother, friend, and soldier.
(born) October 28th, 1990
(killed in action) October 23rd, 2010.

Forever loved and forever missed by those who knew and loved you best.

15 Random Questions

#1. What's a nickname only your family calls you?
I have a ton of these bad boys, but the one most used growing up was Butter/Mcbutter. If you hadn't guessed, there's a brand of butter called Molly Mcbutter... and it was appropriate for a child. Now that I'm older, my family still sometimes calls me Butter or Mcbutter, but mostly it's Molly B. Or my mom will actually call me Ladybug or Bunny. My little brother calls me 'Bitchstick,' my sister calls me 'Sissy Mama,' and my older brother calls me 'My Molly.'

#2. What's a weird habit of yours?
I don't really think I have a weird habit?

#3. Do you have any weird phobias?I am deathly afraid of zombies. It probably seems really silly, but I really can't deal with it. My friends tease me all the time, especially at night when I'm more geared towards thinking a zombie would be out terrorizing. But yeah, deathly afraid. Do. Not. Want.

#4. What's a song that you secretly love to blast or belt out when you're alone?Personally, I don't have a problem singing in front of other people. But I guess one of my more guilty pleasures where music is concerned is showtunes! I get so into them, it's ridiculous. One of my favorites to sing is "On My Own" from Les Miserables. On the other end of the spectrum, sometimes I rap (poorly). I can do "Superbass" by Nicki Minaj perfectly, as well as "Superman" by Eminem, though.

#5. What's one of your biggest pet peeves?Oh geeze. When people are super arrogant; I think that's one of the worst things in the world. It's nice that you think you're super amazing or whatever, and I'm all for self-confidence! But  some people just take it to an extreme level. Even when you have a gift, I believe in being humble about it. Most of the time I think people are super arrogant to mask the fact that they're actually really insecure and they need people to validate them-- or they need to validate themselves and attempt to rub it in other peoples faces. It's childish and just super ugly.

#6. What's one of your nervous habits?
An overabundance of giggling, fidgeting, biting my lips, playing with my hair. I used to bite my nails, but unless I'm stressed out of my mind, that doesn't happen anymore.

#7. What side of the bed do you sleep on?Whichever side is nearest to the wall, usually. When the bed isn't again any walls, I'm not really picky and I like to stretch out. Depending on the size of the bed, I can sometimes lay horizontally and I really dig that.

#8. What was your first stuffed animals and it's name?My aunt actually made me the first stuffed animal I can consciously remember. It's this great crocheted bunny made with pink and blue yarn. As a child, it was three times bigger than I was and even now, it's almost as long/tall as I am. It's one of those things I'm going to give to my kids when I have them. And I called him a ton of things: Mr. Rabbit, Rabbi (but not a Rabbi?), Bubby, Bubz, etc.

#9. What's the drink you always order at Starbucks?
What's the point of ever ordering one type of drink every time you go in? It depends on my mood and weather, really. On hot days I'll usually grab an Iced Green Tea (partially sweetened), or something like a Vanilla Latte (soy milk). My go-to drinks when it's cold: Salted Hot Chocolate, White Mocha with soy, Hot Green Tea (partially sweetened), Pumpkin Spice goodness.

#10. What's the beauty rule you preach, but don't often practice?
Usually if I say to do something as far as makeup goes, I usually do it myself. But as far as primers go, I'm pretty relaxed. I do very basic makeup for day-to-day: medium coverage foundation, spot concealer, translucent powder to set, a few coats of black mascara, black slightly winged (liquid) eyeliner as close to my top lash line, a touch of very light black (pen) eyeliner on my bottom lash lines (about half way across), rim my water line with a white pencil liner (dot in the corners for shimmer), light creme blush on the apple of my cheeks, chapstick, and some sort of lip color. I hardly ever prime my face or my eyes. I use moisturizers on my face and it's close, but not quite the same. I just don't like how heavy the products can feel on my skin. So, yeah, I suck at priming.

#11. Which way do you face in the shower?
Half the time I face the water, half the time I don't. It really just depends on what's going on.

#12. Do you any weird body skills?I'm double-jointed, so I'm able to do a lot of interesting things with my body. I can pretend my fingers are broken, I make shapes with my tongue, put my leg over head (I did gymnastics, dancing, cheerleading, and karate for years), and jump into the splits (as well as doing the splits in general).

#13. What's your favorite 'comfort' food that you love to eat, but that's bad for you?
Ice cream? Though I don't know if it's really comfort food, as much as it is that I just like it? When I think of comfort, I think of hearty things and they're not usually sweets; stuff like pastas, cornbreads, and things along those lines. Though I do really love apple-baked-anything.

#14. What's a phrase or exclamation you say/use a lot?
"Mother eff!" "Mother of pearl!" "Just Sayin'" "Fuck!" "Sweet baby Jesus!" "Fucking Hell!" "Dude!" "Fuckin' A!" "Shit ton!" "Ugly puppy!" I honestly try not to cuss so much, but it happens.

#15. Time to sleep! What do you actually wear to bed?
This is another thing that depends on the weather. Summer: Shorts and t-shirt; undies and t-shirt. Winter: sweater and sweat pants; sweat pants and hoodie; t-shirt and sweat pants. In between: tank tops and sweat pants; tank tops and yoga pants.

I know, that was all terribly interesting! Still sick, but getting better! I spent most of the day with a towel over my head, with my face above a pot of steaming water to help clear out my sinuses. And to be honest, this is the best I've felt in days. Still coughing, still obviously congested, but I think the infection is just about over and my sore throat has officially kicked rocks. I miss doing my hair, putting on makeup, and putting on cute clothes. I never really thought I'd be one of those girls, but I guess I am now.

In the last year, I've come to realize that it's okay to want to look a certain way and to be effort into polishing yourself up, as long as you stay true to who you are. So, even though my outfits are more pulled together and my makeup is flawless, it doesn't mean that I'm superficial-- it just means that I care about being the best me I can be, inside and out.

Cheers!

An Actual Update For Once!

Let's get the complaining out of the way! I'm sick. So sick. The worst cold I've had all year possibly and that's saying something for someone who has a shot immune system. I don't think I've ever written about here, but when I was in the 4th grade, I got so sick that for some reason I was bleeding internally, there was so much blood that I had no choice but to throw it all up constantly for a few days (or you know, just sit back and try not to die while it literally oozed out of my mouth, whichever you prefer). They never quite figured out what caused it, but they knew it had something to do my head/neck/throat. So now whenever I get sick like this, I cough up my own damn blood. Not a lot, just enough to prove the point that I will be sick and uncomfortable for days. I'm not over-exaggerating either; my parents were told to expect the worst, make arrangements and have family come visit me. That, plus five years before having the worst case of pneumonia my hospital has ever seen, has left me with a pretty shit immune system. If you are sick: do not stand by me, breathe my air, look at me, or even think about me, because I will catch your God forsaken cold. I've already run out my cough drops once (and now have two glorious bags full; each with 33% more!), I've had more than 25 cups of hot green tea with honey, I've taken my dayquil, asked my mom to grab me some theraflu, have my vicks' vaporinhaler (which is to be treasured for the gem it truly is), and my box of handy dandy tissues. Also, I took some vitamins, but that's my usual song and dance routine. All in all, I'm not too pleased with my body to pick this particular month to get a stupid cold.

Anyway, on to other things:

• I saw my dad for the first time in almost a year. I won't really go too much into it; it's private and I'm not sure if people are still keeping their sick little tabs on me for fun! So, it was nice, awkward, emotional, etc. Basically all of the things you'd expect it to be after such a long time and so much drama surrounding our relationship (aside from the divorce, and then with the divorce on top of it).
  
• We will be holding a candle light vigil on  the 23rd (at his Honor's flag), marking the one year anniversary of Ronnie's death. If you're in the area and would like to pay tribute to his life, his sacrifice, and his remarkable family, it starts at 6pm. Taps will be played in his honor (which Lord knows, won't be an easy one to get through) and there will as always, be the strong sense of community and love most have come to associate with our Hero. If you don't know where his Honor's flag is and would like to attend, please send me an email/comment/text and I'll let you know!
  
• We'll also be celebrating his 21st birthday on the 28th! Brenda has gone through so much trouble to make sure that will all be together to remember her son, and I couldn't be more thankful for her strong heart. I know Ronnie would be so proud of his mother. She has done so much for all us in the last year and has been such an incredible beacon of strength for us-- all of her surrogate children and her own family! She has also been a beacon of light for other Gold Star families/friends/communities, as she is now a member of the Patriot Guard Riders (who were such an enormous blessing last year to us all). I'm not sure how long I plan to be there; it's honestly so hard to think about, but I will be there to give hugs and take a shot for my brother.
  
• Keeping with the military theme apparently: an old friend from high school is taking a couple days of leave for a family event and is coming out to visit! I'm not sure if I can express how excited I am for this. I didn't get to see Ronnie before he went back to Afghanistan; I was working every day and night in another city, while he and his girlfriend had gotten back together. We were both so busy and honestly thought we'd have time his next leave, it breaks my heart that I didn't get to see him and it honestly haunts me. This friend and I were never particularly close in high school, though I did enjoy talking with him when I wasn't severely intimidated by the fact that he was a Senior, when I had just started high school! But this last year we've grown closer and I still enjoying talking to him, so I'll be happy to see him while he's here. It'll be a nice change of pace, to be honest.

I think that's all the news I have right now. Nothing terribly exciting from an outsider's point of view, I suppose. But this next two weeks mean the world to me and I hope that when the time comes, I'll be able to give my 110% as we celebrate the incredible life Ronnie led-- he deserves no less than everyone's very best. So prayers and positive vibes for health and healing would be great appreciated!

xx

“Just because you are blind, and unable to see my beauty doesn't mean it does not exist.”

“I am so beautiful, sometimes people weep when they see me. And it has nothing to do with what I look like really, it is just that I gave myself the power to say that I am beautiful, and if I could do that, maybe there is hope for them too. And the great divide between the beautiful and the ugly will cease to be. Because we are all what we choose.” - Margaret Cho

I'd eat you up, I love you so.

I can't believe we somehow made it back to October.  A year ago, I couldn't imagine what this place would look like, but it's the same October it's always been: a bit crisp (though not abundantly so), full of colors, the obligatory scary movie on every channel, and costumes lining the shelves in almost every store I've gone into. What I didn't realize then, that I realize now, is that the place and time hasn't changed-- it's me. While my community was impacted as a whole (and we were: thousands of people turned out to pay their respects to Ronnie), I carry a separate scar at the loss of my honorary family member. While we all cried together in those weeks, supporting one another, I still sometimes cry alone at the horrible ache of missing such a dear friend.

The world has gone on, a little less bright and a little worn, but as a whole, the world has remained unchanged.

And while I've gotten better with the passing time, I still miss him every day. I'm wholly changed and exhausted from the emotional turmoil of the last year, and I am weaker in so many ways without his support. I'll reread our conversations, I sometimes stare at old photographs, I am nostalgic in the worst sort of way when I am alone and vulnerable.

For some reason, October seems to stand out in my friendship with Ronnie. There are the obvious reasons, but then I remember the Halloweens we spent together, and I am reminded that our friendship was not defined or made by his death; that there were years of memories between us that have nothing to do with sadness. I remember coming home from trick-or-treating and playing truth-or-dare in my front yard, under my big climbing tree. I remember refusing to kiss him, even if at the time, we both knew I wouldn't have minded. I remember watching scary movie after scary movie in my living room with him and how he'd lay his head in my lap, or how I'd curl against him with his arm around me. It's those memories of this month that are getting me through my lethargy and dread.

As I count down, I am transported back to October 2010 and the events of every day until November 6th. It hurts and even if I truly wanted to, there's no way I could make myself forget it all. There are songs I can't listen to without tearing up, especially now that we're getting so close.

It's hard. And while I know it's hard for me, I see the way Brenda suffers-- the way DannyRay and Priscilla hurt and miss their brother so much. It breaks my heart.

It really seems like so much has changed. But it's just us.

I know that we'll all be together on the 23rd and again on the 28th, celebrating the 21st birthday he should have been alive to see. And I find some comfort in knowing how much love will be in one place at one time, and I know that I will feel less alone in my hurt and missing. But even so, it never truly goes away.

I guess at the end of the day, no matter how hard it is, we have to continue to live, only to live for him and all the lives he will never get the chance to lead.

I love you, Ronnie. To infinity and beyond and back again.