Half-asleep body acceptance post. Why am I still awake?

I always feel encouraged when I see bodies that look like mine; unapologetic and curvy. Growing up, I was made to feel discouraged as a tom-boy with breasts and hips. And when I did begin to dress more feminine to compliment the way my body had pre-maturely developed, I was made to feel bad for it even further. One of the nick-names the boys I knew had for me growing up was 'hooker.'

I always feel encouraged when I see bodies that look like mine: unapologetic and chubby. After I had been sexually assaulted, I gained weight unconsciously, just as my body was starting to lose its baby fat. I was awkwardly thin in some places, while awkwardly bulky elsewhere. But as I gained weight, my body evened itself out and though I had in some secret part of me hoped it would make the boys stop looking, it didn't quite work. I've never grown out of it, no matter how many sports or hours at the gym. I think now, with my realized PCOS, that this was the way my body was always meant to be: soft and unashamed.

I always feel encouraged when I see bodies that look like mine: muscled and still feminine. I played a multitude of sports for years: soccer, softball, gymnastics, basketball. I did Karate, cheerleading, and danced every morning in heels. My calves are muscled and proud from years of running and control. Even a year ago, I felt embarrassed by my less-than-ladylike calves, even knowing that some people would go under the knife to achieve the look I've accidentally perfected. But now, I accept them and love them. They're just another part of who I am.

What I've found with body image and acceptance is that the only person who should care about my body to any capacity, is me. And the only person I should try to please with it, is myself. At the end of the day, if I feel beautiful, I'm just that. If anyone has a problem with my body, it isn't a reflection of who I am or my value (or my body's value), but it's a reflection of their insecurities.

If I'm not one person's ideal of beauty, I can guarantee you I am someone else's. I can give you names and numbers of guys and girls who find me ridiculously gorgeous. And I can give you names and numbers of guys and girls who would pass, because I'm not their cup of tea. More importantly though, I can say with conviction that I am my cup of tea. I love my body. I love my stretchmarks and tummy; I love my full breasts and sloping hips; I love my long fingers and delicate hands; I love my thighs and everything attached to them.

I'm not ashamed of this body or the things it does for me.

All bodies are good bodies. All bodies are beautiful bodies. They harbor the most important parts of who we are: our hearts, our minds, our souls. And for that alone, they are the most magnificent things in the universe. Infinitely beautiful and sacred and, just wow! How often do we appreciate our bodies for what they are and what they do, as opposed to how they look?

My nose has a slight bump. It reminds me of my grandmother and the same bump she had, but it also reminds me of my father's side of the family and the obvious family heritage. My hair is a frizzy mess most days, but it matches my spirit. I think my eyes are too small for my face, but almost everyone I know has commented at least once about how beautiful they are (or more accurately, that they are the most beautiful and expressive eyes they've ever seen). I think my lips are too thin, but they have this beautiful natural pink color to them and with them, I'm able to smile (so I could never really dislike them!). I have an overbite that not even braces could correct, but my smile is genuine despite it.

I've been told I'm perfect-- too beautiful and that by that simple virtue, too good. I've also been harassed for my body until I've cried from the pressure of it all. I eat healthily, I suffer from PCOS, and I don't work out as much as I'd like to... I'm perpetually chubby and soft and how been compared to pin-ups. But I've also been made to feel ugly and unappealing to everyone, because I'm soft and chubby.

I love myself.

I love every flaw and imperfection.

I love every curve, every pudge, every muscle.

And I accept myself. Wantonly, fully, without apology and without any other persons permission.

A Day in the Life.

Today was a rough day. I'm being stalked by a 50-something who thinks just because they're under cover of the internet that makes their actions excusable. And through their meddling, they sent something to my father which really hurt him. For all of the things I've witnessed/experience through my father's abuse (and yes, it was abuse no matter which way you slice it, no matter how unaccountable he is for his actions), I still love him. I cried today because my father was hurting-- my abuser, my oppressor, the man who made me live in shame and fear for such a long time. I cried because I was being made to feel shameful over my appreciation for the freedom I've gained since he moved out. For years, I found that the safest thing for me to do was hide in my room to protect myself... sometimes just seeing me made him angry. And sometimes not seeing me, made him just as angry. But I would lock myself up in my room for days, only coming out for necessities until he'd threaten to break my doors down, or he would simply berate me through them. His friends, these people finding and stalking every account I have online, only know one side to him: they know the actor, the jovial and all-loving man. The man who sold cars every day for thirty years, who had to be personable and charming because it was his job. Not even my older sister and brother know the extent of the abuse we suffered at home... all they know is that my mom is a bad woman, and I'm ungrateful and that he is the best father in the world. And I let them think that, I spare their feelings and their illusions, because it's easier for everyone that way. Even if I did tell them (my sister knows some of what has happened), I doubt they'd believe it.

I'm sorry he was hurt, but I'm not sorry to live without seeing him every day. I would never go back to living with him, even if he had medication and took it every day, even without all the stressors in the world to set him off. I know who and what he is, and I could never trust him with my safety because he could not protect me from himself. I can't apologize for my freedom.

My friend Leah sent me this poem:

"Deep in a meadow, hidden far away
A cloak of leaves, a moonbeam ray
Forget your woes and let your troubles lay,
And when it's morning again, they'll wash away
Here it's safe, here it's warm
Here the daisies guard you from every harm
Here your dreams are sweet and tomorrow brings them true
Here is the place where I love you."

She goes on to write:

"None of this is easy, but it is worth it. Freedom is worth everything. If I could, I'd bear your scar; the weight on your shoulders and let you cry on mine for however long you needed. I promise, it'll get get easier to move on. It'll get easier to breathe. We are bred survivors, we'll die survivors. This is my letter to you, my friend; the best way to describe how I'm here for you. I'm here always, because I know exactly what it is like."

Sometimes people think that because something doesn't leave a physical mark, it doesn't exist or it wasn't severe. I may not have had the bruises as proof of my suffering, but I am ripe with scars. My mother had an abusive father growing up. While my uncle was here, I heard horror story after horror story of what my grandma endured, my sweet mother and her brother and sister endured. And all he could say to my mom, "You're just like mom was; scared and beaten down, scarred. How could you not see that?"

I love my oppressor and abuser. When he had night terrors that sent him running and screaming through the house like a child, I stayed awake to protect to him from the monsters I couldn't see. I cooled his face down with a damp cloth, hoping to calm him. I stood guard, crying and frightened until the sun broke and my mom took over my watch. I slept in the same room, just in case those demons came back to take him again.We didn't have the same luxury of comfort; no one took care of us when our nightmare was physically in the same room as us. We were made to sacrifice and alter our lives and behavior to his abuse and to his illnesses.

Working through this shame is hard, when it's being forced back onto my shoulders by people who don't know what it was like or by people who honestly has no reason to be involved. It's hard when his sadness begs me to re-evaluate my choice of freedom... I love my father; I love him despite his actions. And that somehow makes it worse.

I worry that we won't reconcile and he'll get sick and die. He's old, he's sickly... I worry. And I know I wouldn't be able to live with myself if he died while we were at such odds. But I also know that if I force myself to reconcile with him now, it won't be true and I will still resent him.

I'm going to start seeing a therapist, as well as joining an abuse support group with my mother. I'm hoping that this will all help me to realize forgiveness and to remember my own strength.

My mom says I just need to find my canoe and to get in it. And she's right.

Sidenote: I was originally going to post a challenge, but I'll start that tomorrow instead).

What Would Jay-Z Do; life in bullet points.

-Finny goes back to school this weekend and I'm already getting that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. It's been great having him here the last four months and I'm going to miss him so much.

-Discovered the best lip colored lip balm. Normally I'm girl who prefers a natural neutral lip. Occasionally I'll wear a red lipstick/lip stain, or a nice pink; but most it's just chap stick (carmex, etc). Burt's Bees just came out with a new tinted lip balm, bought it in pink blossom, and it's perfect. Especially for my skin tone and dark eyes.

-I'm working on a '22 before 23' list. Pretty self-explanatory. A few things I have jotted down so far: learn needle point, learn how to make exceptional curry, get one of my 'big three' tattoos done, and get my own freakin' car.

-Weather is starting to cool off, which is awesome. I'm already lining up my cardigans and making outfits in my head, I'm so excited for cooler weather (IE: below the consistent 85+ degrees it's been).

-Weird dreams. A really bad one a few days ago, it's been a long time since I've had a PTSD nightmare (I was diagnosed with PTSD when I was about 14, almost 15). And one very eye-opening one last night.

-My sister is being a bitch, plain and simple. She's always been the type of person who believes in their own self-righteousness; always right without reproach and if you disagree with her, you're stupid. She asked me a question about my relationship with our dad and I gave her my answer, she went on a condescending rampage. Which, you know, she thought was going to be tons helpful. It wasn't.

-I'm reconsidering dying my hair. As much grief as it gives me, I really do love the color and it suits me. I'm not really sure.. I want change, and I do want something drastic or exciting, as opposed to the ever-mousy brown I sport. But we'll see.

-My dad is being his usual charming self.

-I still think most everyone sucks.

-Life is good for the most part, though.

-I'm dreading October for obvious reasons, but I'm looking forward to Halloween and parties and theme parks and haunted things.

-Singing more lately. I was out the other day, singing to myself at our local Target and some woman comes up to me and says, "I hope this isn't weird, but I was wondering when or if you have a CD coming out? Your voice is incredible!" I was embarrassed, but really flattered. It wasn't the first time I've had people ask that, but it's been a while since I've been so caught up in what I was doing that I started singing without realizing it.

-Crazy Disney kick lately.

-Thinking of doing a half-marathon.

-Going to be writing a post on body acceptance/self respect/etc soon. Super awesome, man.

Beauty/I'm a Disney Princess, Pocahontas!

Jenny Lewis, Mermaid Hair

Ombre Highlights

Blonde, Multi-Dimensional Highlights

Bangs?

My cousin offered to do my hair again, which is awesome since she pays for the dye and all I have to do is take her to coffee for services rendered. She also cuts it for free, which is really nice and I can't even begin to express how thankful I am to have such a talented cousin. 

The last time I dyed my hair was in May, just touching up the dark brown color instead of letting my blonde roots come through. In November Bren did my hair an almost black and I absolutely loved it, but I'm pretty sick of having such a dark color. I know it's Autumn and the rules say I should stick with a darker hue to compliment the seasons and yadda yadda, but I'm really ready for a change.

I've been obsessing over coloring my hair for months and I plan on consulting Bren before we get together to actually do it, but the colors/ideas above are my absolute favorite. It's been a long-time since I've had reddish hair, but it's one of my favorites on me and the color I would be aiming for is a lot lighter and a lot more natural than I've ever attempted.

I love the color progression of ombre-ing. Sometimes ombre can look super trashy, but the girl in the pictures has only the highlights, similar to Mila Kunis, and not the ridiculous dip-dying that seems to take place.

As for the blonde look, I'm pretty crazy about it. There's something really special about the multi-faceted color and I don't know, I just really dig it.

etc,etc.

But yeah, those are the things I like. Dig the bangs, going to re-layer my hair.. it's going to be long layers this time, since my hair is ridiculously long now instead of shoulder length.

And those bangs are adorable.

I've started using Garnier's Nourishing Hair Milk as a leave in conditioner and it's made such a difference in my hair, I can't believe it. That, paired with CHI's Silk Infusion and my next day hair is even better than when it was freshly styled. I'm using a combination of Redken's So Long Shampoo and Organix's Nourishing Shampoo in the shower, as well as John Frida's Frizz-Ease conditioner for five minutes before rinsing. I'm really happy with how well my hair is behaving-- just beautiful curls, no frizz whatsoever.

As for my makeup, I've changed my routine a bit. I'm still using most of the same products I have been though.

Still using Maybelline's Fit Me in 'Please go in the fucking sun for once, you live in California'
But instead of using my fingers to apply, I'm using a stippling brush and the application/appearance is flawless. I smooth over it with clean fingers, just to make sure I have it all blended. On top of that, instead of using MAC's studio fix powder, I've started using Maybelline's Mineral Power Finishing Veil. My skin is basically flawless now. I realized that MAC was drying out my skin and leaving a cakey finish, which I couldn't stand and wasn't sure what was causing it. But this new powder is amazing.

Once I run out of Fit Me, I'm going to switch to the Mineral foundation and concealer that matches the powder. My skin usually reacts badly to stuff like that, not sure, but after using the Finishing Veil without irritation, I'm pretty sure this won't cause any.

I know, sort of boring, but I've been getting a ton of compliments on my skin and hair the last few weeks that I had to share the changes I've made!


-

Belle

[x] You’ve kissed someone your friends didn’t like.

[] You’ve been lost in the forest.

[x] You love to read.

[] You are not shy at all.

[x] One of your family members is a bit weird.

[x] You have done volunteer work.

[x] You have a wild imagination.

[x] You love to take care of people in need.

[x] You’ve had guys like you only because they think you’re pretty.

[x] You’ve rejected at least one person when they’ve asked you out.

TOTAL: 8

Rapunzel

[] You’re an orphaned child or have an evil step-mother. 

[x] You have many different hobbies to keep you busy.

[x] You can get really bored.

[x] You have very long hair.

[] Your hair is/was bright blonde.

[x] You’re an artsy person.

[] You’re childish.

[x] You can’t wait to stop the same routine each day and start living.

[x] You care about others and their feelings.

[] You like to follow the rules.

TOTAL: 6

Alice

[x] You have/had a pet rabbit.

[] You love to play cards.

[] You constantly know the time.

[] You get yourself in sticky situations.

[] You have been to a court.

[x] You have fallen asleep while doing your homework.

[x] You have had a tea party.

[] You like hats.

[] You’re late.

[] You know how to play croquet.

TOTAL: 3

Jasmine

[] Your dad is rich.

[x] You are very clever.

[x] You’ve been with someone way different from you.

[x] You’re unique and different from everyone else.

[x] You’d never marry someone just because they were rich.

[x] You have set a lot of goals for yourself.

[] You don’t have a lot of (good) friends.

[x] You’re independent.

[] You are wealthy.

[] Your parents try to control your life.

TOTAL: 6

Megara

[] Your boyfriend is strong.

[x] You have gotten involved with the wrong people before.

[] You are very convincing.

[x] You have fallen in love before.

[x] You have had your heart broken.

[x] You find an interest in Greek mythology.

[x] You lie sometimes.

[] You pretend to be someone you’re not.

[x] You have been used.

[x] Purple is one of your favorite colors.

TOTAL: 7

Ariel

[x] Your parents expect a lot from you.

[x] You really try to follow the rules, but it’s hard for you.

[x] You’re a bit of a trouble maker.

[ ] You’re the youngest in your family.

[] You have a lot of sisters.

[] You collect something.

[x] You have/had long hair.

[x] You are adventurous.

[x] You’re extremely curious.

[] You believe everything people tell you/you’re a bit gullible.

TOTAL: 6

Aurora

[] You live/have lived with someone other than your parents.

[x] You almost died at a very young age.

[x] You are gentle, loving, and/or thoughtful.

[x] You have a decent singing voice.

[x] You like to sleep in late on the weekend.

[] You spend most of your time outside.

[] You’re adopted.

[x] You’re very romantic.

[x] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

TOTAL: 6

Cinderella

[] One of your parents is dead.

[x] You are expected to do a lot of chores.

[x] You love to dress up.

[x] You love animals.

[x] You are waiting patiently for your Prince Charming.

[] Your mom is really strict.

[] You have sisters who seem kind of jealous of you.

[] You’re afraid to speak your mind sometimes.

[x] You have left your shoes at a friend’s house before.

[I don't think random roots and nothing else count?] You have/had blonde hair.

TOTAL: 5

Snow White

[x] You know that you’re beautiful.

[] Sometimes it seems like your mom is jealous of you.

[] You’ve almost been killed.

[x] You have at least seven good friends.

[x] You’ve had food poisoning.

[x] You have/had short hair.

[x] You get along with almost everyone.

[x] All of your friends are different.

[x] You love to have a good time.

[] You’re happier when you’re out of the house than in.

TOTAL: 7

Tinkerbell 

[] You get jealous easily.

[x] You loved your childhood.

[] You like to fly.

[x] You believe in magic.

[missed it by 2"] You’re 5’2” or under.

[] You hate pirates.

[x] You love sparkles.

[x] People underestimate you.

[] You get angry easily.

[] You have/had a treehouse.

TOTAL: 4

Pocahontas 

[x] You love to walk around and explore big cities.

[x] You are more spiritual than religious.

[x] You’ve been in an interracial relationship.

[x] One of your family members is dead.

[] Your parents are very protective of you.

[x] Someone you know has been in the war.

[x] You love nature.

[x] You have/had black hair.

[x] You would love to move somewhere exotic and beautiful.

[x] You’re very adventurous.

TOTAL: 9

Mulan 

[x] You can be a tomboy sometimes.

[] People wish you could be a bit more girly.

[] You’ve pretended to be someone you’re not.

[x] You’ve had a physical fight with someone.

[x] You have/had considered running away from home.

[] Your parents try to plan your life out.

[] A lot of your friends are boys.

[x] You sometimes find yourself in bad situations.

[x] You love your family so much that you’d do anything to protect them.

TOTAL: 5

Big Girl/little girl; life in bullet points.

-I definitely have some nerve damage from the accident, and a prolonged concussion.

-Soda free for 17 days. It's a little frustrating since literally it's all Finn drinks and he's constantly buying, but it's not any harder than it was when I originally did this a few years ago.

-I bought a new straightener (even though I rarely straighten my hair these days), since the one I have now is way too big to handle properly. Thanks to the Walmart giftcard I've had for the last four years.

-Back to drinking green tea every morning and again before bed (with a mixture of rose, chamomile and lavender to help me sleep).

-Doing non-union work for Glee.

-Thinking of applying at my family's old church for Day Care/Sunday School.

-Modeling work

-Today would have been my uncle's 59th birthday, but he lost his battle with Pancreatic cancer a little over three years ago. My aunt sent this to me: 'Molly, he thought highly of you and your beautiful voice. When you sang at your grandmother's service (the year before) he came home and told me what a beautiful voice you had! So glad you were able to do that for him (sing at his service). Love you!'

-Cutting people and things out of my life that just don't work/fit anymore.

-Excited to buy Benefit cosmetics from Macy's with an ancient gift card that no one has managed to use.

-Buying: 'The Enterprise of Death,' and 'Yes Means Yes' the next time I go to Barnes and Noble with, you guessed it, unused giftcards. One is science fiction, while the other is a contemporary piece on rape culture and feminism.

-Re-reading 'He's Just Not That Into You' to re-instill the once unshakable self-respect I had for myself. Also, to help me stay away from the wrong guys, or the guys I've already encountered that were wrong the first time and haven't changed, no matter how lonely I am.

-Got asked out by a 6'8 genius, with a nice smile. And we'll see where it goes.

-I'm writing again. Thank God.

-Putting money in the bank tomorrow.

-Going away party for one of my dearest friends and realizing more and more that adulthood means following your heart, no matter where it takes you.

Cheers.

Accident update

I'm going to get checked out sometime tomorrow. I'm still having legitimate problems four days after the accident and I'm starting to get really worried.

Send positive vibes my way if you can.
Thanks.

Car Accident

Yesterday didn’t go as planned. The day was great; I got to spend the entire day with my family and then skype with my uncle who had a stroke last weekend. He’s rocking a Santa Claus beard, and for having a stroke, he pretty much looks like a super hero.And he's taking it in stride.


Aside from lack of muscle control on the left side of his body and a bit of slurred speech, you might not notice anything wrong with him at all.

However, on our way home from my aunt’s house last night we took a different route than normal, just enjoying the time we were spending together. 

We came to an intersection with an SUV in front of us, and no one right behind us. As we sat at the intersection, a little girl was with her mom and brother. I noticed the girl seemed to be off in her own world and commented on it, right as she darted out into the lane. The car in front of us had to snap on its breaks to keep from hitting her. We followed suit, no problems. Until less than five seconds later, a van crashed into us from behind.

Immediately I had a panic attack; I was shaking uncontrollably, tears in my eyes and hyperventilating. I called my aunt since we were still in her city, she called 911 since my reception was terrible. And then to keep from puking in the car, I go out and sat on the sidewalk. My mom got out of the car just as the van that hit us tried speeding off.

Long story short, the guy who hit us was 15 with a learner’s permit… and at the time he hit us, he was looking at a map to find his way to basketball practice. There was no damage done to the cars, and my brother got off without a single pain.

My mother is sore, swollen, and miserable.

I’m bruised across my ribs and stomach, my ankles are swollen, everything is sore and hard to move, and I’m suffering from nausea and stomach pain. I also really messed up my left hand. Typing this is basically torture; even texting on my phone hurts beyond measure.

I’ve been in bed all day, drinking tea and taking pain meds/muscle relaxers. I finally ate about an hour ago.. and then promptly got sick. But like I said, I’m keeping myself hydrated. If I’m not feeling any better tomorrow, I am going to go to Emergency and get checked out. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but my toes are starting to tingle and go numb, and my mom thinks I may have some form of nerve damage from the accident.

I'm not mad or angry or bitter... I feel sorry for the kid, and I'm just glad nothing terrible happened. I keep asking myself what would have happened if he had been the car stopped in front of us. Would he have been reading his map, not paying attention as the little girl ran ahead of her mother? It could have been much worse for everyone involved... and even though I'm sure his parents are angry (as they should be), he's truly lucky that he just hit us and no damage was done to either car.

But yeah, I need to end this.

Hope you all have a great weekend!