Friday, October 29, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Time still turns the pages of the book its burned.
I got this question in my formspring/ask box:
Do you think your life will ever be the same again?
This was my reply:
No, there's no going back.... Ronnie J was one of my best friends, he was like a brother to me. I've been thinking back these last couple of days, and so much of my life is made up with him in it. I don't think I will ever understand the great loss of him in my life-- or in the world. It doesn't seem real and I can't imagine it ever will. The closest I've gotten to the 'real' feeling is standing at his Honors flag with others who are just as confused, sad, angry, and at a loss as I am; or when I saw the transfer photos of his remains.... The news reports, the articles, the fact that I go between being absolutely numb and hysterical, none of that does it for me. Even seeing Vanessa, talking to Cruz and his mother hasn't hit it home for me yet.
Knowing that he would have been 20 today makes it that much worse. Knowing that on his last leave, we didn't get to see one another, even though we planned to rent Scarface and have Californication marathons, just makes me feel hollow. Knowing that I will never see his beautiful smile or feel his warmth or amazing hugs again makes my heart hurt. He had so much life to live and he will never get the chance to do so now. It isn't fair... and I can't help but feel guilty that he's gone. We were close, but I could have appreciated him so much more. And while I knew the possiblity was there for him to get injured, the longer he was there without incident, the more secure I became in his safety. He tried getting ahold of me five days before he was killed, and it's eating at me that I didn't see his message. I had no idea that I would never get to talk to him again-- that I would ever get to tell him I love him again, or to have him say it back.
I wish I could have done more for him.
My heart hurts... it's hard to breathe; difficult to eat and to sleep. I can barely be in the same room as people who don't understand what it is I'm going through, I can barely talk to them without wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. How does life go on after something like this? Please, tell me.
Tell me how my life will ever be the same. Try to explain that to me. Please. Tell me how to be brave and strong and not completely broken by his absence.
Would your life ever be the same after the loss of your brother?
---
I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but how could my life ever go back to what it was? Honestly? There will forever be this tremendous hole in my heart, where his laughter and hugs and general kindess filled space. This loss is marked so differently than the ones I've experienced in the last three years. I'm so used to people dying in stages, being older, or not being as close to them as I should have been... Sickness is something you don't necessarily expect, but sickness gives you time to prepare-- it's painful and terrible and it's heart-breaking; but it gives you time.
Ronnie was taken from us so suddenly, so unexpectedly. None of us could have prepared ourselves for this. One second he was here, and the next he was gone. He hadn't even turned 20 yet.
I would love for someone to tell me how to go about my normal life, because nothing feels normal right now. I'm literally walking in a haze where nothing feels real, not one damn thing. It hurts to smile, it hurts to laugh; I can barely get out of bed in the morning and most days, I don't; I'll lay there until I know I can't lay there anymore. It's easy getting to sleep because I am so emotionally exhausted, but my dreams are terrible or I wake up often, not sure of where I am or what's happened, and then it hits me again and I'm a mess. Since Saturday, I think I've eaten maybe a total of six or seven times. I can't keep things down without becoming physically ill. My eyes are so tired.... every bit of my body aches; not in physical pain, but from this exhaustion. It's too difficult to be around people who haven't been touched by this. If I'm not with at least one of them when out in public, I become so angry and so emotional, that I can't function. I walk into class and I burst into tears. There is nothing I'd rather do less, than sit through lecture and try to pay attention when my mind is going literally, one thousand miles a minute and then some.
That loneliness of being with people who don't understand is so heavy, that I have to remind myself to breathe.
If you could possibly tell me how to go back to normal, to go back to the before, I would be so grateful. If you could turn back the clock, if you could save him, if he had never enlisted, if he were home safe right now, life could go on the way it had before. But that isn't reality.
THIS is reality now. And reality has never felt so unreal or unfair as it does right now.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around Ronnie being gone. The words don't make sense in my head and I can't reconcile the boy I know and love, with cold death. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. And he's never coming back... and at the same time, even though I know it and I feel it and its evidence is everywhere I turn, I can't believe it. Because it can't be real.
Your best friends don't die. And they certainly don't die during war. So fucking far away, you can't fathom what type of life they were living, even if you did talk every single day.
Tell me how.
Tell me how not to drown in my grief; tell me how to breathe without having to remind myself to do so; to eat and sleep and smile and laugh without hurting; tell me how to go back and how to be okay and happy; tell me how to be alone.... because right now, loneliness is the worst thing; tell me how not to resent everyone who doesn't understand, because as much as I may love them, I resent them so much.
Tell me how.
Do you think your life will ever be the same again?
This was my reply:
No, there's no going back.... Ronnie J was one of my best friends, he was like a brother to me. I've been thinking back these last couple of days, and so much of my life is made up with him in it. I don't think I will ever understand the great loss of him in my life-- or in the world. It doesn't seem real and I can't imagine it ever will. The closest I've gotten to the 'real' feeling is standing at his Honors flag with others who are just as confused, sad, angry, and at a loss as I am; or when I saw the transfer photos of his remains.... The news reports, the articles, the fact that I go between being absolutely numb and hysterical, none of that does it for me. Even seeing Vanessa, talking to Cruz and his mother hasn't hit it home for me yet.
Knowing that he would have been 20 today makes it that much worse. Knowing that on his last leave, we didn't get to see one another, even though we planned to rent Scarface and have Californication marathons, just makes me feel hollow. Knowing that I will never see his beautiful smile or feel his warmth or amazing hugs again makes my heart hurt. He had so much life to live and he will never get the chance to do so now. It isn't fair... and I can't help but feel guilty that he's gone. We were close, but I could have appreciated him so much more. And while I knew the possiblity was there for him to get injured, the longer he was there without incident, the more secure I became in his safety. He tried getting ahold of me five days before he was killed, and it's eating at me that I didn't see his message. I had no idea that I would never get to talk to him again-- that I would ever get to tell him I love him again, or to have him say it back.
I wish I could have done more for him.
My heart hurts... it's hard to breathe; difficult to eat and to sleep. I can barely be in the same room as people who don't understand what it is I'm going through, I can barely talk to them without wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. How does life go on after something like this? Please, tell me.
Tell me how my life will ever be the same. Try to explain that to me. Please. Tell me how to be brave and strong and not completely broken by his absence.
Would your life ever be the same after the loss of your brother?
---
I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but how could my life ever go back to what it was? Honestly? There will forever be this tremendous hole in my heart, where his laughter and hugs and general kindess filled space. This loss is marked so differently than the ones I've experienced in the last three years. I'm so used to people dying in stages, being older, or not being as close to them as I should have been... Sickness is something you don't necessarily expect, but sickness gives you time to prepare-- it's painful and terrible and it's heart-breaking; but it gives you time.
Ronnie was taken from us so suddenly, so unexpectedly. None of us could have prepared ourselves for this. One second he was here, and the next he was gone. He hadn't even turned 20 yet.
I would love for someone to tell me how to go about my normal life, because nothing feels normal right now. I'm literally walking in a haze where nothing feels real, not one damn thing. It hurts to smile, it hurts to laugh; I can barely get out of bed in the morning and most days, I don't; I'll lay there until I know I can't lay there anymore. It's easy getting to sleep because I am so emotionally exhausted, but my dreams are terrible or I wake up often, not sure of where I am or what's happened, and then it hits me again and I'm a mess. Since Saturday, I think I've eaten maybe a total of six or seven times. I can't keep things down without becoming physically ill. My eyes are so tired.... every bit of my body aches; not in physical pain, but from this exhaustion. It's too difficult to be around people who haven't been touched by this. If I'm not with at least one of them when out in public, I become so angry and so emotional, that I can't function. I walk into class and I burst into tears. There is nothing I'd rather do less, than sit through lecture and try to pay attention when my mind is going literally, one thousand miles a minute and then some.
That loneliness of being with people who don't understand is so heavy, that I have to remind myself to breathe.
If you could possibly tell me how to go back to normal, to go back to the before, I would be so grateful. If you could turn back the clock, if you could save him, if he had never enlisted, if he were home safe right now, life could go on the way it had before. But that isn't reality.
THIS is reality now. And reality has never felt so unreal or unfair as it does right now.
I can't even begin to wrap my head around Ronnie being gone. The words don't make sense in my head and I can't reconcile the boy I know and love, with cold death. He's dead. He's dead. He's dead. And he's never coming back... and at the same time, even though I know it and I feel it and its evidence is everywhere I turn, I can't believe it. Because it can't be real.
Your best friends don't die. And they certainly don't die during war. So fucking far away, you can't fathom what type of life they were living, even if you did talk every single day.
Tell me how.
Tell me how not to drown in my grief; tell me how to breathe without having to remind myself to do so; to eat and sleep and smile and laugh without hurting; tell me how to go back and how to be okay and happy; tell me how to be alone.... because right now, loneliness is the worst thing; tell me how not to resent everyone who doesn't understand, because as much as I may love them, I resent them so much.
Tell me how.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Remembering Ronnie J.
We celebrated you tonight, kid; the only way we knew how. We cried-- so many of us cried knowing we'd never see you again, the sad and heart-breaking realization hitting us with enough force to leave us breathless and confused.
We're getting the family back together tomorrow night, to remember you. It won't feel right without you, but we know you'll be there in spirit as you have been the last two years.
Ronnie... I can't believe it. 14 hours later and I am still in shock. You have been by my side since I was 14, and I can't imagine what my life will look like now, without you. My brother, my best friend, my rock and solid foundation. You made my first mixed CD, babe-- Orgy, NIN, TOOL-- I can't listen to them without your smiling face popping into my head. Halloween, trick or treating, playing truth or dare, and your head resting in my lap while we watched scary movies. All of our late night talks over the years, and especially our scandalous behavior. Every talk, every hug, even our silly disagreements that lasted all of three seconds, will always be dear to my heart...
They don't make them like you. You are so genuine, so honest, so compassionate; if there were a light in this world, you were it... And now your star is shining in the sky for all to see. You are such a beautiful person, and I know how truly blessed I am to have known you and to have loved you-- how blessed I am to carry you with me in my heart, always.
God, my heart is breaking all over again. It keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it. I know you wouldn't us to be sad. You would say you were doing your job, that you did what you had to do, but no one was prepared for this. We knew the harsh reality, we've known for two years... but with every joke about your safety to allievate the tension, the reality became less and less severe. And more and more like you were on vacation, that you'd be back soon, and we'd finally rent Scarface-- just so you could watch it with me and tease me over it.
I know you'll love the fact that we're going to get the family together... I don't know what we'll do, aside from what we did tonight; laugh about high school, talk about your heart and smile and talk about how you give the best hugs this world has ever seen; I'll probably tell the story of how you went back for the gatorade, even while you were being fired at without any sort of cover, and I'll laugh again and then cry, because god, that is so like you.
You are my hero... You will always be that for me. Even when we were freshmen in high school, I looked up to you so deeply. And then you signed up for the Army and my respect grew... Talking to you every night, waiting for days to hear from you, praying each night that your missions went well, and then the absolute relief when I would finally hear from you again... You are so brave, baby. So brave. And I am so proud of you, to know you, to call you brother and best friend and keeper of my secrets.
I love you. And I wish I could put into words every feeling-- the shock, the disbelief, the devastation, the confusion, the love and admiration... But there aren't words enough, Ronnie. There will never be words to describe the type of person you are..
Your absence is settling into my bones. The certainity that you're gone... though my heart still leaps at the thought that there has been some sort of mistake, that it wasn't you; that you're safe and sound and protected from the harms that would befall you. It isn't real... and it won't be for sometime.
You will be forever remembered; forever missed; forever loved and celebrated.
I'm going to go to your flag today, the one on the way to the Ontario Mills.... I'm going to leave you the most beautiful flowers I can find, and then laugh at how silly it is... You'd hate the flowers and ask for a Dodgers cap instead; maybe, just maybe, you'll get one.
And your birthday... I'll be celebrating for you, babe. You were so close... I'll sing you a song and pray for you, and hope to god you can hear me. I'm getting my tattoo on your birthday, the claddagh I've been talking about for years. It's so relevant right now, and will forever remind me of you: Love, Loyalty and Friendship above all else, right honey?
I'm just not ready to say goodbye, honey... not even close.
Come visit my dreams.
In memory and in love, rest in peace Ronnie J Pallares.
10-28-90 * 10-23-10
Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving your life, so we could continue to live ours. The bravest man I ever knew, and ever hope to know. The US Army lost an out-standing soldier, babe; but I lost my best friend.
It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part; so much of me is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better and, because I knew you, because I knew you, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I love you, baby.
We're getting the family back together tomorrow night, to remember you. It won't feel right without you, but we know you'll be there in spirit as you have been the last two years.
Ronnie... I can't believe it. 14 hours later and I am still in shock. You have been by my side since I was 14, and I can't imagine what my life will look like now, without you. My brother, my best friend, my rock and solid foundation. You made my first mixed CD, babe-- Orgy, NIN, TOOL-- I can't listen to them without your smiling face popping into my head. Halloween, trick or treating, playing truth or dare, and your head resting in my lap while we watched scary movies. All of our late night talks over the years, and especially our scandalous behavior. Every talk, every hug, even our silly disagreements that lasted all of three seconds, will always be dear to my heart...
They don't make them like you. You are so genuine, so honest, so compassionate; if there were a light in this world, you were it... And now your star is shining in the sky for all to see. You are such a beautiful person, and I know how truly blessed I am to have known you and to have loved you-- how blessed I am to carry you with me in my heart, always.
God, my heart is breaking all over again. It keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it. I know you wouldn't us to be sad. You would say you were doing your job, that you did what you had to do, but no one was prepared for this. We knew the harsh reality, we've known for two years... but with every joke about your safety to allievate the tension, the reality became less and less severe. And more and more like you were on vacation, that you'd be back soon, and we'd finally rent Scarface-- just so you could watch it with me and tease me over it.
I know you'll love the fact that we're going to get the family together... I don't know what we'll do, aside from what we did tonight; laugh about high school, talk about your heart and smile and talk about how you give the best hugs this world has ever seen; I'll probably tell the story of how you went back for the gatorade, even while you were being fired at without any sort of cover, and I'll laugh again and then cry, because god, that is so like you.
You are my hero... You will always be that for me. Even when we were freshmen in high school, I looked up to you so deeply. And then you signed up for the Army and my respect grew... Talking to you every night, waiting for days to hear from you, praying each night that your missions went well, and then the absolute relief when I would finally hear from you again... You are so brave, baby. So brave. And I am so proud of you, to know you, to call you brother and best friend and keeper of my secrets.
I love you. And I wish I could put into words every feeling-- the shock, the disbelief, the devastation, the confusion, the love and admiration... But there aren't words enough, Ronnie. There will never be words to describe the type of person you are..
Your absence is settling into my bones. The certainity that you're gone... though my heart still leaps at the thought that there has been some sort of mistake, that it wasn't you; that you're safe and sound and protected from the harms that would befall you. It isn't real... and it won't be for sometime.
You will be forever remembered; forever missed; forever loved and celebrated.
I'm going to go to your flag today, the one on the way to the Ontario Mills.... I'm going to leave you the most beautiful flowers I can find, and then laugh at how silly it is... You'd hate the flowers and ask for a Dodgers cap instead; maybe, just maybe, you'll get one.
And your birthday... I'll be celebrating for you, babe. You were so close... I'll sing you a song and pray for you, and hope to god you can hear me. I'm getting my tattoo on your birthday, the claddagh I've been talking about for years. It's so relevant right now, and will forever remind me of you: Love, Loyalty and Friendship above all else, right honey?
I'm just not ready to say goodbye, honey... not even close.
Come visit my dreams.
In memory and in love, rest in peace Ronnie J Pallares.
10-28-90 * 10-23-10
Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving your life, so we could continue to live ours. The bravest man I ever knew, and ever hope to know. The US Army lost an out-standing soldier, babe; but I lost my best friend.
It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part; so much of me is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better and, because I knew you, because I knew you, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I love you, baby.
Friday, October 22, 2010
A pretty flower in a vase.
"Too many guys think I'm a concept, or I complete them, or I'm gonna make them alive. But I'm just a fucked-up girl who's lookin' for my own peace of mind; don't assign me yours."
This quote perfectly sums up the last week of my life, especially tonight. I am not a concept. I won't make your problems go away, I'm not the answer to what it is you think you're missing. You are in no way entitled to me or my affection or whatever it is you want from me. Crushes are so easy to get swept in, I know; theyre exciting and fresh and they're great, especially if you genuinely get along with the person and the connection isn't a figment of your imagination. But just because you can banter and laugh or talk, doesn't mean things will go that way-- or that they should-- or that whoever feels the same way about you.
Sometimes I forget that when I talk to guys, there's potential for them to feel something for me. Usually I end up in the friend category, which I don't mind at all, some of my best and most loyal friends are guys-- but then I let my guard down and I am myself almost completely, and then this happens.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I've tried to be straight up with everyone as far as my feelings go...
But apparently that doesn't work?
I care about you, I do. I really do. But this whole night has just been... irritating. And I don't have anything else to say.
I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way, and that there are others out there who feel the same way about me that you do. But I owe you all nothing, except my friendship. And that's all I'm capable of giving to you. Either accept it and take it, or forget it and leave it be. But lord, don't go out of your way to make me feel bad or guilty.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and unfortunately, that doesn't work out for any one of us sometimes.
This quote perfectly sums up the last week of my life, especially tonight. I am not a concept. I won't make your problems go away, I'm not the answer to what it is you think you're missing. You are in no way entitled to me or my affection or whatever it is you want from me. Crushes are so easy to get swept in, I know; theyre exciting and fresh and they're great, especially if you genuinely get along with the person and the connection isn't a figment of your imagination. But just because you can banter and laugh or talk, doesn't mean things will go that way-- or that they should-- or that whoever feels the same way about you.
Sometimes I forget that when I talk to guys, there's potential for them to feel something for me. Usually I end up in the friend category, which I don't mind at all, some of my best and most loyal friends are guys-- but then I let my guard down and I am myself almost completely, and then this happens.
I don't want to hurt anyone. I've tried to be straight up with everyone as far as my feelings go...
But apparently that doesn't work?
I care about you, I do. I really do. But this whole night has just been... irritating. And I don't have anything else to say.
I'm sorry that I don't feel the same way, and that there are others out there who feel the same way about me that you do. But I owe you all nothing, except my friendship. And that's all I'm capable of giving to you. Either accept it and take it, or forget it and leave it be. But lord, don't go out of your way to make me feel bad or guilty.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and unfortunately, that doesn't work out for any one of us sometimes.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Day three: put your iPod on shuffle, what are the first ten songs?
This is sort of all my brain is capable of right now. I went through the list of prompts and this was the least difficult task on it. Today has been long. Not bad. Just long.
I'll do a brief update I suppose:
Sunday night I went to my aunt's for dinner. Came home. Fought with my dad, went out with friends. Was out til 4am. Studied for a my midterm, they helped. Slept for 4-5 hours. Got up for class, took my midterm. Had a longer break than usual. Math class, got my exam back, got a B+.
Here is where things get weird:
Monday night, a guy friend of mine came over. We had something a few years back, but I think of him pretty platonically now. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. And he kissed me. And then later he apologized because I was obviously uncomfortable/confusued. My face was a wonderful example of a WTF-face. I don't know. But anyway, I didn't get in and in bed til 630am. I woke up at 11:30 because I had a doctors' appointment. Lindsay went with me. And as far as doctor visits go, that wasn't the worst I've ever had. Plus I got goodies, ha.
Anyway!
Here is the list, I'll include my favorite lyrics from each song... because I'm sure you care. =)
1) "The Yard"- Trolle Siebenhaar
Better watch you stay or you might get scarred
Try and run away, you won't get far
Listen to the rails, get the canvas down,
If somebody sees you, head on the ground.
That's how it goes in the yard
That's how it goes in the yard
2) "Cliche Guevara"- Against Me!
So can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?
Turn gunshots and mortar blasts into a metaphor of how we are all the same.
Well there's a lot of things that should be said, (said) so we're hammering six strings,
Machine gun in audible voices, this is the party we came for.
3) "Archers"- Brand New
There is an ember in the heart of this kiln
and it's burning hot with love.
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
then rolling me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail.
What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely enjoy this broken thing..
You're a voice that never sings, that's what i say.
You are freezing over hell,
You are bringing on the end, you do so well.
you can only blame yourself, that's what I say.
who do you carry that torch for my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?
4) "Against the Grain"- City and Colour
when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood
when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart
5) "Additcted to Love"- Florence and the Machine (cover)
You see the signs,
but you can't read.
You're running at a different speed.
Your heart beats in double time.
Another kiss and you'll be mine.
A one track mind.
You can't be saves.
Because baby, your love is all you crave-
If there's some left for you, you don't mind if you do.
You like to think you're immune to the stuff.
Oh yeah.
Its closer to the truth to say you cant get enough.
You're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love.
Might as well face it,
you're addicted to love.
5) "Next Girl"- The Black Keys
Oh my next girl, yeah
Will be nothing like my ex girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again
Oh my next girl
She'll be nothing like my ex girl
That was a painful dance
I got a second chance yeah
6) "I'm Good, I'm Gone"- Lykke Li
And if you say I'm not OK
We must go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say you're not 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone
And i'm hanging around 'till it's all done
You can't keep me back once i had some
No wasting time to get it right
And you will see what i'm about
7) "Jennifer's Body" -Hole
You're hungry, but I'm starving
He cuts you down from the tree
He keeps you in a box by the bed
Alive, but just barely
He said, "I'm your lover, I'm your friend
I'm purity, hit me again"
With a bullet, number one, kill the family, save the son
Himself
Himself
The pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Now you're mine...
8) "Jaded"- Aerosmith
Hey j-j-jaded, you got your mama's style
But you're yesterday's child to me
So jaded
You think that's where it's at
But is that where it's supposed to be
You're gettin' it all over me and serrated
My my baby blue
Yeah I been thinkin' about you
My my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you
9) "Here's to the Night"- Eve 6
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
10) "In My Head" -Jason Derulo (I feel like this is probably the most out of place song of the ten..?)
Just leave with me now, say the word and we'll go (we can go)
I'll be your teacher, I'll show you the ropes (you the ropes)
You'll see a side of love you've never known
I can see it going down, going down
In my head, I see you all over me
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy
In my head, you'll be screaming ohh
In my head, it's going down
In my head, it's going down
In my head, yeah
In my head, oh yeah
So those are the ten... It took longer than I expected.
And I had a bit of trouble picking my favorite lyrics for a few songs. >>
Anyway! School in the morning.
I'll do a brief update I suppose:
Sunday night I went to my aunt's for dinner. Came home. Fought with my dad, went out with friends. Was out til 4am. Studied for a my midterm, they helped. Slept for 4-5 hours. Got up for class, took my midterm. Had a longer break than usual. Math class, got my exam back, got a B+.
Here is where things get weird:
Monday night, a guy friend of mine came over. We had something a few years back, but I think of him pretty platonically now. And he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said no. And he kissed me. And then later he apologized because I was obviously uncomfortable/confusued. My face was a wonderful example of a WTF-face. I don't know. But anyway, I didn't get in and in bed til 630am. I woke up at 11:30 because I had a doctors' appointment. Lindsay went with me. And as far as doctor visits go, that wasn't the worst I've ever had. Plus I got goodies, ha.
Anyway!
Here is the list, I'll include my favorite lyrics from each song... because I'm sure you care. =)
1) "The Yard"- Trolle Siebenhaar
Better watch you stay or you might get scarred
Try and run away, you won't get far
Listen to the rails, get the canvas down,
If somebody sees you, head on the ground.
That's how it goes in the yard
That's how it goes in the yard
2) "Cliche Guevara"- Against Me!
So can your pop sensibilities sing me the end of the world?
Turn gunshots and mortar blasts into a metaphor of how we are all the same.
Well there's a lot of things that should be said, (said) so we're hammering six strings,
Machine gun in audible voices, this is the party we came for.
3) "Archers"- Brand New
There is an ember in the heart of this kiln
and it's burning hot with love.
Burning out my center till there's nothing but dust
then rolling me with care into your cigarette
cause the God i believe in never worked on a campaign trail.
What did you learn tonight?
You're shouting so loud, you barely enjoy this broken thing..
You're a voice that never sings, that's what i say.
You are freezing over hell,
You are bringing on the end, you do so well.
you can only blame yourself, that's what I say.
who do you carry that torch for my young man?
do you believe in anything?
do you carry it around just to burn things to the ground?
4) "Against the Grain"- City and Colour
when all your friends
have come and gone
the sun no longer shines
the happiness for which you long
is washed away, like an oceans tide
when all the hard times, outweigh the good
and all your words are misunderstood
when the day seems lost from the stars
you must follow your heart
you must follow your heart
5) "Additcted to Love"- Florence and the Machine (cover)
You see the signs,
but you can't read.
You're running at a different speed.
Your heart beats in double time.
Another kiss and you'll be mine.
A one track mind.
You can't be saves.
Because baby, your love is all you crave-
If there's some left for you, you don't mind if you do.
You like to think you're immune to the stuff.
Oh yeah.
Its closer to the truth to say you cant get enough.
You're gonna have to face it,
You're addicted to love.
Might as well face it,
you're addicted to love.
5) "Next Girl"- The Black Keys
Oh my next girl, yeah
Will be nothing like my ex girl
I made mistakes back then
I'll never do it again
Oh my next girl
She'll be nothing like my ex girl
That was a painful dance
I got a second chance yeah
6) "I'm Good, I'm Gone"- Lykke Li
And if you say I'm not OK
We must go
If you say there ain't no way that i could know
If you say i aim too high from down below
Well, say you're not 'cause when i'm gone
You'll be callin' but i won't be at the phone
And i'm hanging around 'till it's all done
You can't keep me back once i had some
No wasting time to get it right
And you will see what i'm about
7) "Jennifer's Body" -Hole
You're hungry, but I'm starving
He cuts you down from the tree
He keeps you in a box by the bed
Alive, but just barely
He said, "I'm your lover, I'm your friend
I'm purity, hit me again"
With a bullet, number one, kill the family, save the son
Himself
Himself
The pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Found pieces of Jennifer's body
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Just relax, just relax, just go to sleep
Now you're mine...
8) "Jaded"- Aerosmith
Hey j-j-jaded, you got your mama's style
But you're yesterday's child to me
So jaded
You think that's where it's at
But is that where it's supposed to be
You're gettin' it all over me and serrated
My my baby blue
Yeah I been thinkin' about you
My my baby blue
Yeah you're so jaded
And I'm the one that jaded you
9) "Here's to the Night"- Eve 6
So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon
Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well
10) "In My Head" -Jason Derulo (I feel like this is probably the most out of place song of the ten..?)
Just leave with me now, say the word and we'll go (we can go)
I'll be your teacher, I'll show you the ropes (you the ropes)
You'll see a side of love you've never known
I can see it going down, going down
In my head, I see you all over me
In my head, you fulfill my fantasy
In my head, you'll be screaming ohh
In my head, it's going down
In my head, it's going down
In my head, yeah
In my head, oh yeah
So those are the ten... It took longer than I expected.
And I had a bit of trouble picking my favorite lyrics for a few songs. >>
Anyway! School in the morning.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Music: The Great Uniter.
Obviously I'm a few days behind on my 30 project, but unfortunately I'm not much for concentrating right now... So I figure I should write something, even if it isn't necessarily relevant to why I started this blog. But eventually, the 30 days will be up and I'll need something else to write about...
Just got with it.
Right now I'm listening to "I Need a Girl Part 1&2" by P.Diddy. Anyone who knows me, knows this isn't something I would normally listen to. But what you probably don't know is that my first 'boyfriend' gave me this CD when we were together. At the time, I was still rabid over N*sync and the Backstreet Boys (still a fan, ya'll! nothing like the stuff you grew up, on right? the stuff that wasn't your parent's music), but he handed me this CD and I fell in love. And mostly because the music reminded me of him. It probably could have been anything on that CD and I would have played it every night before bed, thinking it was the best thing I'd ever heard.
Listening to it now, when I literally haven't heard either song in... at least six or seven years? It takes me right back to that school year; the day I realized I had a crush on him, that valentine's day, the day he asked me out, our first kiss, that summer. Our short-lived romance summarized and relived within the few minutes of a song.
It even leads me to other songs tied to strong emotions concerning him-- other memories. The song "Happy" by Ashanti. The pool party where I had decided we were going to get 'back together' and finding out that he had kissed my friend that same day, after I had danced around like a fool to the aforementioned song, thinking how true it was. And later that day when he apologized, when we went home with a handful of our friends and played truth or dare on my bedroom floor. Our first kiss with tongue and the fact that he was the first guy to ever grab my breasts.
Music has always been such an important part of my life. But isn't that the standard? Was there anything more cliche I could have said? No, most likely not. I used to think that my appreciation was singular to me and that regardless of what anyone else said, they couldn't understand or appreciate or grasp or love it as much as I did. And sometimes, I still feel that way.
That snobbery comes from having studied and done music most of my life. I feel entitled to it, almost. Selfishly of course... but true none-the-less. For me, it seems easy to pin-point someone who likes music, as opposed to someone who has lived music. But I won't get too much into it.
What I meant to say in not so many words, was that music is important to me.
And one of the things I love about it, more than anything, is how relateable it is. There's a reason that the people in my life have their own songs; why I'll never be able to listen to "I Need a Girl" without thinking about Dan; why certain songs I used to love, I can't stand anymore. It is so accessible, so tangible, that it eventually becomes apart of who you and the life you're leading.
That's one of my favorite things about having studied music. It isn't just a surface appreciation. It's understanding that all the parts have to work together-- that's it math and beauty and hard-work and dedication all rolled into one. If a single part is off, then the piece can't come together. You can't create those connections or those memories, nothing is going to flow through you except for disappointment and the drive to do better next time.
I miss making music. Singing in my bathroom is great. I never have to worry about the notes I can't quite get-- I still get embarrassed, but I don't have an instructor or trainer reprimanding me for my mistake. I can goof-off without any sort of consquence. And for the love of god, if I want to drink milk before I belt something out, no one is going to ring my neck for less than stellar vocal quality. If I'm driving with friends, I can sing off-key for the hell of it without worrying. I can just sing and feel no pressure.And I love that.
But nothing beats making the music. Not the love for the finished product, not the memories, or the instant connections from one song to another-- nothing. It's the way it literally has to flow through you. It's the way you breathe-- and how sometimes, you can't catch your breath for the life of you. It's knowing that you are the vessel and that you are making something worth-while, even if it doesn't matter to anyone but you.
God.
I just love it.
That is my element. That is where I feel the most comfort, the most peace of mind. It's why I look at sheet music from my computer, or spend hours digging through my stuff to find pieces from old shows. Every morning when I get up to take a shower, I get giddy knowing that I will be able to sing and listen to music and expell every negative thought and feeling from my person.
It's just a beautiful thing. And I know how utterly blessed I am to have experienced music as the maker and the listener. That I'm lucky to have such a strong emotional connection to almost every song I hear-- because it brings up someone I've cared about, or because I can feel the sweat and tears and labor and love put into every composition.
Just got with it.
Right now I'm listening to "I Need a Girl Part 1&2" by P.Diddy. Anyone who knows me, knows this isn't something I would normally listen to. But what you probably don't know is that my first 'boyfriend' gave me this CD when we were together. At the time, I was still rabid over N*sync and the Backstreet Boys (still a fan, ya'll! nothing like the stuff you grew up, on right? the stuff that wasn't your parent's music), but he handed me this CD and I fell in love. And mostly because the music reminded me of him. It probably could have been anything on that CD and I would have played it every night before bed, thinking it was the best thing I'd ever heard.
Listening to it now, when I literally haven't heard either song in... at least six or seven years? It takes me right back to that school year; the day I realized I had a crush on him, that valentine's day, the day he asked me out, our first kiss, that summer. Our short-lived romance summarized and relived within the few minutes of a song.
It even leads me to other songs tied to strong emotions concerning him-- other memories. The song "Happy" by Ashanti. The pool party where I had decided we were going to get 'back together' and finding out that he had kissed my friend that same day, after I had danced around like a fool to the aforementioned song, thinking how true it was. And later that day when he apologized, when we went home with a handful of our friends and played truth or dare on my bedroom floor. Our first kiss with tongue and the fact that he was the first guy to ever grab my breasts.
Music has always been such an important part of my life. But isn't that the standard? Was there anything more cliche I could have said? No, most likely not. I used to think that my appreciation was singular to me and that regardless of what anyone else said, they couldn't understand or appreciate or grasp or love it as much as I did. And sometimes, I still feel that way.
That snobbery comes from having studied and done music most of my life. I feel entitled to it, almost. Selfishly of course... but true none-the-less. For me, it seems easy to pin-point someone who likes music, as opposed to someone who has lived music. But I won't get too much into it.
What I meant to say in not so many words, was that music is important to me.
And one of the things I love about it, more than anything, is how relateable it is. There's a reason that the people in my life have their own songs; why I'll never be able to listen to "I Need a Girl" without thinking about Dan; why certain songs I used to love, I can't stand anymore. It is so accessible, so tangible, that it eventually becomes apart of who you and the life you're leading.
That's one of my favorite things about having studied music. It isn't just a surface appreciation. It's understanding that all the parts have to work together-- that's it math and beauty and hard-work and dedication all rolled into one. If a single part is off, then the piece can't come together. You can't create those connections or those memories, nothing is going to flow through you except for disappointment and the drive to do better next time.
"Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment." -Sarah Dessen
I miss making music. Singing in my bathroom is great. I never have to worry about the notes I can't quite get-- I still get embarrassed, but I don't have an instructor or trainer reprimanding me for my mistake. I can goof-off without any sort of consquence. And for the love of god, if I want to drink milk before I belt something out, no one is going to ring my neck for less than stellar vocal quality. If I'm driving with friends, I can sing off-key for the hell of it without worrying. I can just sing and feel no pressure.And I love that.
But nothing beats making the music. Not the love for the finished product, not the memories, or the instant connections from one song to another-- nothing. It's the way it literally has to flow through you. It's the way you breathe-- and how sometimes, you can't catch your breath for the life of you. It's knowing that you are the vessel and that you are making something worth-while, even if it doesn't matter to anyone but you.
God.
I just love it.
That is my element. That is where I feel the most comfort, the most peace of mind. It's why I look at sheet music from my computer, or spend hours digging through my stuff to find pieces from old shows. Every morning when I get up to take a shower, I get giddy knowing that I will be able to sing and listen to music and expell every negative thought and feeling from my person.
It's just a beautiful thing. And I know how utterly blessed I am to have experienced music as the maker and the listener. That I'm lucky to have such a strong emotional connection to almost every song I hear-- because it brings up someone I've cared about, or because I can feel the sweat and tears and labor and love put into every composition.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Day Two: your current relationship, if single discuss how single life is.
I'm single.
Which isn't as terrible or as depressing as anyone actually thinks. I've spent most of my adult life 'technically' single and I'm comfortable with that fact. Single life can get lonely though, I won't try and tell you otherwise.
Four months ago, I was at a completely different place relationship-wise. I was in love and it was exciting. I basically had what I figured to be the rest of my life planned out in-front of me. Military girfriend, would eventually become Military wife. California born and raised would have eventually become familiar with ever-changing orders and bases and packing and unpacking. I had thought about wedding dresses and rings and receptions; what color my bridesmaids would wear, as to not clash with his Mess Dress uniform or Dress Whites. How I would handle moving across country away from all the people I love; if I would acclimate quickly to my new surroundings and being someone's someone for the rest of my life.
Four months later, I'm content knowing that I made the right choice for me, even though it meant losing someone I genuinely cared for. But all is well that ends well, right? He's engaged and I'm going to assume happy, which is all I really ever wanted for him. Even if it wasn't with me.
But this is about being single, not being almost engaged.
There isn't much to say about singledom, really. Like I said, yes it gets lonely. I don't think people are made to be alone in any sense of the word. We thrive and surrive on human contact and warmth. So yeah, most definitely, it would be nice to wake up every once in awhile next to someone I adore and go about my day knowing that at some point I'll get to kiss them or hear their voice and laugh.
It's kind of terrible knowing how much you have to offer another person, but having no one to offer those great things to. Not to sound conceited, but I know that I'm a good girlfriend-- that I offer my friendship, as well as all those private parts of myself that most people will never see.
Now that I've become more confident and more comfortable in my own skin, it's easier for me to be carefree and less reserved. And those are the times I feel the most attractive-- those are the times when I really wish I had my own someone.
When I bounce around the house cleaning, in my pjyama shorts, tank tops and flannels; singing and dancing and not getting much done because I'm so caught up in being happy and being alive. That's when I wish I had someone to bounce along with me, or grab me and kiss me, or something else silly and sentimental.
And I suppose I don't have to mention all the sex I could be having with someone I find attractive who also finds me attractive, who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. There's nothing more intoxicating or seductive than that, in my honest opinion.
So... being single is what it is.
But if you know anyone interested in a mildly attractive, fairly intelligent, sort of funny, 20-something, who can go from free-spirited and carefree, to pretty much consumed by desire at the drop of a hat, let me know.
Trust me, there's so much more to who I am, then the shy and somewhat awkward girl most of you know.
Which isn't as terrible or as depressing as anyone actually thinks. I've spent most of my adult life 'technically' single and I'm comfortable with that fact. Single life can get lonely though, I won't try and tell you otherwise.
Four months ago, I was at a completely different place relationship-wise. I was in love and it was exciting. I basically had what I figured to be the rest of my life planned out in-front of me. Military girfriend, would eventually become Military wife. California born and raised would have eventually become familiar with ever-changing orders and bases and packing and unpacking. I had thought about wedding dresses and rings and receptions; what color my bridesmaids would wear, as to not clash with his Mess Dress uniform or Dress Whites. How I would handle moving across country away from all the people I love; if I would acclimate quickly to my new surroundings and being someone's someone for the rest of my life.
But for one reason or another, after sometime, I couldn't see myself as that person... no matter how much I wanted to. Even when you really care about another person, even if you really love them, the pieces don't always fit. And maybe in some alternate universe, he and I are married and have children and I would have been content being 20 with my whole life set in stone. But this isn't an alternate reality and people are human and make mistakes, and sometimes too much is too much. Sometimes you have to walk away. I had completely lost myself in him, was day-dreaming about breaking all the rules I had set in place for my life.
- No moving in with one another if you haven't been together for year (or more); this includes hauling your ass across country on the off-chance that a relationship will be functional.
- Do not even consider marriage before you're 25! Before then, you're lucky if you know what shirt you want to wear when you wake up in the morning. You are in no place to sign over the rest of your to another person.
- Absolutely no children until you're married.
Four months later, I'm content knowing that I made the right choice for me, even though it meant losing someone I genuinely cared for. But all is well that ends well, right? He's engaged and I'm going to assume happy, which is all I really ever wanted for him. Even if it wasn't with me.
But this is about being single, not being almost engaged.
There isn't much to say about singledom, really. Like I said, yes it gets lonely. I don't think people are made to be alone in any sense of the word. We thrive and surrive on human contact and warmth. So yeah, most definitely, it would be nice to wake up every once in awhile next to someone I adore and go about my day knowing that at some point I'll get to kiss them or hear their voice and laugh.
It's kind of terrible knowing how much you have to offer another person, but having no one to offer those great things to. Not to sound conceited, but I know that I'm a good girlfriend-- that I offer my friendship, as well as all those private parts of myself that most people will never see.
Now that I've become more confident and more comfortable in my own skin, it's easier for me to be carefree and less reserved. And those are the times I feel the most attractive-- those are the times when I really wish I had my own someone.
When I bounce around the house cleaning, in my pjyama shorts, tank tops and flannels; singing and dancing and not getting much done because I'm so caught up in being happy and being alive. That's when I wish I had someone to bounce along with me, or grab me and kiss me, or something else silly and sentimental.
And I suppose I don't have to mention all the sex I could be having with someone I find attractive who also finds me attractive, who wants to be with me as much as I want to be with them. There's nothing more intoxicating or seductive than that, in my honest opinion.
So... being single is what it is.
But if you know anyone interested in a mildly attractive, fairly intelligent, sort of funny, 20-something, who can go from free-spirited and carefree, to pretty much consumed by desire at the drop of a hat, let me know.
Trust me, there's so much more to who I am, then the shy and somewhat awkward girl most of you know.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Day One: 30 facts about yourself.
1. Every time I take a shower, I brush my teeth. It doesn't matter how many times I've already brushed my teeth that day.
2. I dance daily/nightly in my bathroom. Seriously.
3. I also put on mini-concerts in the bathroom. It has the best acoustics. If you stand outside any given night, you'll probably witness/hear this going down.
4. Even though I say I'm a terrible dancer, I know I'm not. I'm actually pretty decent, I just get shy in front of other people.
5. My middle name is Louise, which is a family name. And it means warrior.
6. I'm the shortest person in my immediate family. Everyone is taller than 5'6"; my older brother is 6'5". Me? I'm 5'4 1/2"
7. I've been in and out of vocal training for the last 12 or so years.
8. I can sing fairly high soprano pieces, as well as being able to hit fairly low alto notes.
9. I try to listen to Kings of Leon's "Molly's Chambers" every day, to pump myself up.
10. I have a song for each 'important' person in my life. You just probably don't want to ask what yours is.
11. In one eye I'm near-sided, and in the other I'm far-sided. Which is a bit of a bitch.
12. I have two nephews. They are the cutest little boys in the world. No questions asked.
13. I'm fairly low-matienence.
14. When in the car, I have music ADD. I'm constantly changing the song or station. Can't help it.
15. In the past six years, I've only kissed three people.
16. I own handcuffs.
17. I flux between having crazy self-confidence and being unsure of myslf, which I suppose is fairly common.
18. I feel the most attractive in jeans/short pyjama shorts, old flannel, tank tops, with my hair in a messy ponytail.
19. Including shower, hair, make-up, and getting dressed, it usually takes me less than 40 minutes to get ready. Probably closer to 30.
20. I'm ticklish basically everywhere. Which can be a lot of fun. It can also sort of suck.
21. My humor can be a bit caustic and condescending at times... when that happens, it usually just means I feel comfortable around you.
22. I squeak without realizing it.
23. When I sneeze, I squeak.
24. And when I hiccup, I squeak.
25. I've only been on one date in my adult life.
26. I'm a very vocal lover. I've been known to scream on occasion; you'll never have to wonder if I enjoy what's going on or not.
27. I'm a light-weight. Glass of wine? Can't text for the life of me. Personal smirnoff and half a personal bottle of straight up vodka mixed with squirt? Laying and laughing on the kitchen floor for hours.
28. Before I die/get married/have kids, I want to travel across country in an RV.
29. My writing capabilities are pretty impressive. Since starting college, I haven't gotten anything less than a B on a paper I've written. And if it weren't for that ONE B, I'd have all A's concerning papers. Suck on that.
30. Oh, and I got my GED instead of finishing high school traditionally. It was probably the best choice I've ever made in my life, though that takes a bit of explaining. (On a sidenote: my college GPA is 3.57 and I'm on the Dean's List).
2. I dance daily/nightly in my bathroom. Seriously.
3. I also put on mini-concerts in the bathroom. It has the best acoustics. If you stand outside any given night, you'll probably witness/hear this going down.
4. Even though I say I'm a terrible dancer, I know I'm not. I'm actually pretty decent, I just get shy in front of other people.
5. My middle name is Louise, which is a family name. And it means warrior.
6. I'm the shortest person in my immediate family. Everyone is taller than 5'6"; my older brother is 6'5". Me? I'm 5'4 1/2"
7. I've been in and out of vocal training for the last 12 or so years.
8. I can sing fairly high soprano pieces, as well as being able to hit fairly low alto notes.
9. I try to listen to Kings of Leon's "Molly's Chambers" every day, to pump myself up.
10. I have a song for each 'important' person in my life. You just probably don't want to ask what yours is.
11. In one eye I'm near-sided, and in the other I'm far-sided. Which is a bit of a bitch.
12. I have two nephews. They are the cutest little boys in the world. No questions asked.
13. I'm fairly low-matienence.
14. When in the car, I have music ADD. I'm constantly changing the song or station. Can't help it.
15. In the past six years, I've only kissed three people.
16. I own handcuffs.
17. I flux between having crazy self-confidence and being unsure of myslf, which I suppose is fairly common.
18. I feel the most attractive in jeans/short pyjama shorts, old flannel, tank tops, with my hair in a messy ponytail.
19. Including shower, hair, make-up, and getting dressed, it usually takes me less than 40 minutes to get ready. Probably closer to 30.
20. I'm ticklish basically everywhere. Which can be a lot of fun. It can also sort of suck.
21. My humor can be a bit caustic and condescending at times... when that happens, it usually just means I feel comfortable around you.
22. I squeak without realizing it.
23. When I sneeze, I squeak.
24. And when I hiccup, I squeak.
25. I've only been on one date in my adult life.
26. I'm a very vocal lover. I've been known to scream on occasion; you'll never have to wonder if I enjoy what's going on or not.
27. I'm a light-weight. Glass of wine? Can't text for the life of me. Personal smirnoff and half a personal bottle of straight up vodka mixed with squirt? Laying and laughing on the kitchen floor for hours.
28. Before I die/get married/have kids, I want to travel across country in an RV.
29. My writing capabilities are pretty impressive. Since starting college, I haven't gotten anything less than a B on a paper I've written. And if it weren't for that ONE B, I'd have all A's concerning papers. Suck on that.
30. Oh, and I got my GED instead of finishing high school traditionally. It was probably the best choice I've ever made in my life, though that takes a bit of explaining. (On a sidenote: my college GPA is 3.57 and I'm on the Dean's List).
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