The last month has been hard-- and even before that, knowing that my father could be served any day with divorce papers. The preperation for that, the stress with all the fighting going on daily, the tension... My grades have definitely taken a hit. At this point there's nothing I can do but finish the semester as gracefully as I can, with as much dignity as possible. I don't expect to pass with As-- maybe a B somewhere, if I'm lucky.
It is what it is at this point and I know I can't go back and change my incredible inattention. But I can accept it, move on and learn from it. I'm an adult, and a part of being an adult is owning up to your mistakes and hoping to better from them. Next semester I will try much harder, no questions asked- though I'm already aware that there will be outside stressors. I'll do my best to keep my head held high and kick the living shit out of my course work.
So far I have classes M-TH. M/W Start at 8am and my last class ends at 8pm. Thankfuly I have enough time between the two to take a nap and work on course-work. And my T/THs start at 930am and end at 11am. Hopefully I can find a job that allows me to work around this schedule. I do, however plan on adding more classes to my schedule. An introduction to Edu/Child Dev, and a Math lecture, but I have to wait until after waitlists are open.
I'm taking a political science class with Krista and Anna, and maybe Josh if he's able to register for it/wants to. I'm also taking a yoga class in the evenings with my friend Mary, which I'm really looking forward to.
And even though I'm keeping a positive outlook for what's to come school-wise, this isn't what this blog is about.
Like I said before, the last month has been incredibly hard. It still hits me at random times that one of the best friends I've ever had, is gone. I don't know, it's not something anyone is equipped to deal with, especially not at 20 when our lives are really just beginning. So I've spent a good amount of time feeling sorry for myself-- for the entire situation. Stuck in this limbo of caring too much and being numb from the inside out.
I've stopped taking care of me. And I know that Ronnie would have hated that. Over the years, he helped keep me together; always encouraging me to move forward, no matter how hard it was. There was never a day that passed where he let me forget my worth-- and if I somehow did, he would spend as much time as he could reinforcing the fact that I'm priceless.
In the past month, my sleeping schedule has gone to shit. I've always had dark circles, due to my night-owl tendencies, but now they're just ridiculous. And sort of scary. I've lost close to 15lbs, on top of the 10lbs that always seems to be in constant flux.
I've had amazing days, no doubt about it. With such sadness, there comes a deeper appreciation and understanding of the things that make you happy, and the people who put nothing but smiles on your face.
But still, that isn't the point of this blog.
The point is....
That I need a change. And the change has to come from me. Yes, I know that I will have bad days and that the bad days will be painful; that I won't want to get out of bed at times, that I'll want to cry without ever wanting to stop in the hopes that I'll expel every negative feeling from my heart and head.
And I will take those days. I know that I have to let myself feel everything, or one day ten years from now, I'll wake up and break down for no reason.
In the last year, I've made these incredible leaps in finding out who I am as a person.
I'm less shy, I'm more apt to speak my mind-- even on the off-chance of sound stupid; I can walk down the street with confidence, knowing that I'm beautiful, even if it isn't the most conventional type of beauty. There's no doubt as to how intelligent I am, but I can embrace it without feeling like such a nerd-- without feeling as boring as cardboard.
The thing I'm most aware of, however, is how much I have to offer to others-- to another person, speficially.
And now I think it's time for the outside to match the incredible inside that I have.
Yes, I know that I'm attractive.
I'm aware of it so much that I'm applying to be a cite model for a plus-size clothing store.
But I've always prided myself on how casual I am. I've only just realized that you can still be casual and nonchalant about the way you look, with some effort. Waking up every day with frizzy hair and saying to myself that it's okay, is going to be a thing of the past.
Dressing in the same tired outfit every day is going to change.
I'm actually going to do my hair, my make up, and dress the way I want to. Even if that I means I have to wake up earlier than I actually want to.
Why? Not to please anyone else, but because I deserve it.
I deserve to recognize all of those wonderful things about the person I am, and really bring them to the table. So I never forget how incredible I really am. Especially right now, when I don't feel so bright and shiny in the world around me.
Another part of this whole, change-experiment is not letting myself settle for second best.
Trust me when I say I will do things you will never forget. That I can give myself and love another person like they've never been loved before. I'm not a stop along the way, but the destination. And I want it all-- not just the occasional text, the occasional kiss, I deserve it all.
I'm not really looking for anyone. Lord knows I'm too young to want a heavily serious relationship-- I'm not looking for marriage or kids. But someone to spend time with. Someone to go to sleep next to and wake up next to on occasion.
Someone who will read to me, or let me read to them-- who will go mini-golfing and play board games in their underwear with me. Someone who will fuck me all night, challenge and keep me on my toes all day. I just want something real.
Not the stuff I've been settling for.
I'm going to be 21 soon.
Very soon.
And yes, that means I will be going out to drink, to dance, to do things that I've always said were unappealing, only because I felt like they shouldn't appeal to me.
Fuck it, I'm just going to live on my terms; with the people I love and accomplish the things I want to accomplish. That's it, that's all there is to it.
I'm going to cut my hair and dye it, I'm going to wear red lipstick, and wear little black dresses.
I'm just going to live because there's nothing else I can do.
That's it.
That's the point.
