If I had been brave enough today, if I had been sure I could have gotten through talking about you without my voice breaking beyond recognition, I would have spoken up.
I would have told everyone that we had met about seven years ago, and that our friendship was just a natural progression. One day we were strangers and the next we weren't. I would have talked about how absolutely awe-struck I was by you and your immediate kindness and acceptance of some strange, silly girl. And how almost nothing in my life has been as easy as being your friend.
But there's no way I could have gotten through it, even with the strength I know you're giving to me daily, even with all the love in that room.
But I would have told everyone about the Halloweens we spent together, the long walks in the park, our incredible heart to heart talks; or how your friendship kept me sane, and most importantly alive, when all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and waste away. How no matter the day, no matter the time, you were always there for me, even when you were on the otherside of the planet, fighting for your life.
I would have told everyone that sophomore year of high school, you joined show choir just so we could all be in it together, even though you were so far outside of your very obvious comfort zone; but your drive to succeed was there, and of course you outshined everyone.
There's so many things I would have said to you, for you, about you-- most of them the people in that room already know, though.
Your courage, obvious since the day I met you. Your smile, and how it never once left your face; how it could literally brighten up a room or cheerup a crying girl. Your amazing presence, and how though you're gone, I can still feel you all around me and inside of my heart. Your perception and how you always made me look twice at the world around me, even if I felt I gave it a good look the first time around. Your humor, and how just thinking of your laughter brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
I would have spoken about your generous and genuine heart, and how you never failed those around you.
When Cruz spoke today, I immediately burst into tears. For having never met him, I recognized him right away. From one conversation with him, and all those memories you shared with me, I recognized him as my brother and another hurting heart. Afterwards, hugging him and talking with him; Babe, he's so much like you... your speech inflections, your mannerisms, even the way you laugh.
It was like standing next to you, getting to feel your warmth and heartbeat all in his form
Today was hard. And I know I've said it one millions time and that I'll probably say it one million more, but even with all the evidence, this still doesn't feel real.
You're my Ronnay, remember? And I'm your Mollay! And this shouldn't be happening.
Tomorrow we're saying our goodbyes to an amazing man; someone wise beyond his years and more compassionate than most of the people I've ever met, in numbers.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to one of my best friends; someone I never imagined would be apart of my life, someone I am so grateful to have known and loved and grown up with.
I know it isn't goodbye. That I carry you irrevocably in my heart. And that you will be with my every day, until we're meant to meet again, wherever we're meant to meet.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to a brother, to my brother; and thought we're not related by blood, that is bond nothing can break-- not even something as cruel as death.
I love you, babe.
I wish there was more time, more memories, and definitely more pictures. I wish I had paid more attention to every single detail of every single day spent with you. But I know the sound of your voice, I may not hear it when I try to recall it, but there's a lift and recognition in my heart, that yes, that's you. I remember the feel of you, your hugs and breathing and how comfort meant just standing next to you.
Forever and ever, to infinity and beyond, Ronnie J.
Do you remember the time that you wanted to remind me that you love me? I know, and I will remember for the rest of my life-- I was loved by you and you are forever loved by me.
Sleep well, brother.
Sleep with the angels; sleep and rest and know that you are remembered and loved beyond measure.
