I've never liked restrictions. Ever. I've always wanted to do things my way. And in some cases, I have. Maybe not at the best times, but still, I've done right by me in certain situations when I thought there was no right way. For a long time, I thought that being the quiet one, being the gentle, agreeable one, was the way to live. Without confrontation, how could anything bad happen. So for years, I was mommy's little girl and daddy's princess. And quiet. And lonely. And strange. And I'm still all those things, probably more so. But not because it's how I think I should be, it's because that's who I am. Not only am I quiet, I'm unintelligibly loud, I need to be the center of attention, dressing up and being magnificently vulgar feels empowering to me. Not only am I lonely, but I am never alone. Not truly. I'm surrounded by people with hearts that care about me and want the best for me. Not only am I strange, but I have the potential to be absolutely generic. But that is just who I am.
Last night I was wondering how anyone can love you when you can't love yourself. And even if in a few hours, I take back every word, at this moment, I love myself. I love my absolute status of contradiction. I love my meek, submissive side and I love the absolute dominance and confidence I feel when I put on a pair of heels. I don't have to be one thing or one way, I AM all things.
There's no doubt when I say that at this moment, I will truly and completely take ahold of my life and live it. And continue to do the things I want to do and do them my way.
Continue to be the wallflower, but let myself feel and enjoy and grow in the sunlight. Travel to every place I want travel, by car or train or boat if I can't convince myself to get onto a plane. Get tattoos because they are an extension of me, and not because I want to be something else. Pierce the body parts that I want pierced, and not care what anyone says about metal in my face. Make money the way I want, without feeling like society finds me to be lazy, or uneducated. Finish college, but never stop learning. Find the thing I'm the most passionate about in life and dedicate myself to it. Whether it's writing or helping people or travelling or what have you. Learn every language that my brain can hold and study and absorb every legend and myth and history that I possibly can. Be a lady and cultured, but still be terribly unrefined at my core. Pray when I need to, cry when I have to, but at the end of the day, keep the smile on my face geniune. Be real and generous, but not compromise my soul or my heart, my mind or my body.
This is a bunch of rambling, but in the end, I want to be a warrior. A woman, but a warrior. If that makes any sense. And even if it doesn't. It's what I want.
.."The Morrigan. An ancient celtic Goddess of war and death. She was greatly feared. Some said she could be seen washing the clothes of those who were about to die in battle, and afterward, she flew across the battlefleild, taking the skulls of the dead with her in her fury."
Cecily shudders. Why would anyone want to worship her?"
"Don't you have any warrior spirit, Miss Temple?" Miss Moore asks.
Cecily is aghast. "I certainly hope not. How... unattractive."
"What makes it so?"
"Well." Cecily is clearly uncomfortable. "It's like being a man, isn't it? A woman should never show anything so unseemly."
"But without that spark of anger, without destruction, there can never be rebirth. The Morrigan was also associated with strength, indepedence, and fertility. She was the keeper of the soul til it could be regenerated. Or so they say."
It's true what they say; "you ain't seen nothing like me yet."
All good things are wild and free.
