Just got with it.
Right now I'm listening to "I Need a Girl Part 1&2" by P.Diddy. Anyone who knows me, knows this isn't something I would normally listen to. But what you probably don't know is that my first 'boyfriend' gave me this CD when we were together. At the time, I was still rabid over N*sync and the Backstreet Boys (still a fan, ya'll! nothing like the stuff you grew up, on right? the stuff that wasn't your parent's music), but he handed me this CD and I fell in love. And mostly because the music reminded me of him. It probably could have been anything on that CD and I would have played it every night before bed, thinking it was the best thing I'd ever heard.
Listening to it now, when I literally haven't heard either song in... at least six or seven years? It takes me right back to that school year; the day I realized I had a crush on him, that valentine's day, the day he asked me out, our first kiss, that summer. Our short-lived romance summarized and relived within the few minutes of a song.
It even leads me to other songs tied to strong emotions concerning him-- other memories. The song "Happy" by Ashanti. The pool party where I had decided we were going to get 'back together' and finding out that he had kissed my friend that same day, after I had danced around like a fool to the aforementioned song, thinking how true it was. And later that day when he apologized, when we went home with a handful of our friends and played truth or dare on my bedroom floor. Our first kiss with tongue and the fact that he was the first guy to ever grab my breasts.
Music has always been such an important part of my life. But isn't that the standard? Was there anything more cliche I could have said? No, most likely not. I used to think that my appreciation was singular to me and that regardless of what anyone else said, they couldn't understand or appreciate or grasp or love it as much as I did. And sometimes, I still feel that way.
That snobbery comes from having studied and done music most of my life. I feel entitled to it, almost. Selfishly of course... but true none-the-less. For me, it seems easy to pin-point someone who likes music, as opposed to someone who has lived music. But I won't get too much into it.
What I meant to say in not so many words, was that music is important to me.
And one of the things I love about it, more than anything, is how relateable it is. There's a reason that the people in my life have their own songs; why I'll never be able to listen to "I Need a Girl" without thinking about Dan; why certain songs I used to love, I can't stand anymore. It is so accessible, so tangible, that it eventually becomes apart of who you and the life you're leading.
That's one of my favorite things about having studied music. It isn't just a surface appreciation. It's understanding that all the parts have to work together-- that's it math and beauty and hard-work and dedication all rolled into one. If a single part is off, then the piece can't come together. You can't create those connections or those memories, nothing is going to flow through you except for disappointment and the drive to do better next time.
"Music is a total constant. That's why we have such a strong visceral connection to it, you know? Because a song can take you back instantly to a moment, or a place, or even a person. No matter what else has changed in your or the world, that one song says the same, just like that moment." -Sarah Dessen
I miss making music. Singing in my bathroom is great. I never have to worry about the notes I can't quite get-- I still get embarrassed, but I don't have an instructor or trainer reprimanding me for my mistake. I can goof-off without any sort of consquence. And for the love of god, if I want to drink milk before I belt something out, no one is going to ring my neck for less than stellar vocal quality. If I'm driving with friends, I can sing off-key for the hell of it without worrying. I can just sing and feel no pressure.And I love that.
But nothing beats making the music. Not the love for the finished product, not the memories, or the instant connections from one song to another-- nothing. It's the way it literally has to flow through you. It's the way you breathe-- and how sometimes, you can't catch your breath for the life of you. It's knowing that you are the vessel and that you are making something worth-while, even if it doesn't matter to anyone but you.
God.
I just love it.
That is my element. That is where I feel the most comfort, the most peace of mind. It's why I look at sheet music from my computer, or spend hours digging through my stuff to find pieces from old shows. Every morning when I get up to take a shower, I get giddy knowing that I will be able to sing and listen to music and expell every negative thought and feeling from my person.
It's just a beautiful thing. And I know how utterly blessed I am to have experienced music as the maker and the listener. That I'm lucky to have such a strong emotional connection to almost every song I hear-- because it brings up someone I've cared about, or because I can feel the sweat and tears and labor and love put into every composition.
