Is anyone else thoroughly confused at the fact that here's only four more days before Christmas? Three if you celebrate on Christmas Eve? How did we get to December 21st, seriously? And another complete mind-fuck-- there's only ten days before we're in the new year!
My coffee table is littered with presents, unwrapped presents might I add. I keep regrouping them and then spreading them out individually, making sure they're all still where they need to be. There's somethng hanging up on my clothes rack for Krista and I'm honestly considering stealing it-- or going and buying another for myself because I've fallen that much in love with it. I'd have to wait until after Christmas, since shopping for everyone this year literally shot my bank account.
This is the first year I've really gone out of my way for people, without asking for help from my parents. Everything I spent came from working at Avenue, from photography jobs, from my house-sitting. It's nice knowing that I didn't have to run to my mommy and daddy for money. The only person I have left to shop for is my little brother, it's just hard because we're ALWAYS together. Always. When I go out, he gets sad because he's only here for three weeks and Ican see my friends anytime I want. I think I've been out... twice(?) without him. Be that as it may, I do have a pretty full week coming up.
Today: Go to Walgreens and get some photos printed out so I can put the finishing touches on my Secret Santa gift-giving! Also buy wrapping paper and such, the pickings from last year are slim and... ughy, ha. Try to get to MAC because there's this lipstick I REALLY want, and I have enough on my MAC-card if I buy in store, but am literally $0.20 short when I order online because of the damn S&H, and I am not splitting that on my bank card, because its just plain dumb. After that, do some baking! Because hello, it's the Holidays and I haven't done ANY since early November. Do my wrappings and write out my sappy cards,
Wednesday: Maybe go with Samala to pick up Megan from LAX, depends on the weather and how comfortable Sam and I feel driving in the rivers that were once streets. And if I don't get all the above done today, then I'll do the rest after I get back, if I go.
Thursday: Lunch with Brittany, who I haven't seen since Ronnie's Candle Light Vigil, and who I haven't really been in contact with since July... We had a falling out, but as I've said numerous times since Ronnie passed, it puts a lot of things into perspective. And whatever reasons we had to dislike one another, aren't as important as they were. So yeah. We're grabbing lunch. Should be tres'interesting. After that, run home and change for the Christmas party at Megan's. Need to find an ugly sweater before then, like yeah. Grab my sparking lemonade (it's amazing, really), Secret Santa gift, and the little gifts/cards I got for the other girls.
Friday: I have no idea.... probably pre-Christmas worrying, right? Maybe. The last few years we've gone to my aunt's house on Christmas Eve, but not this year. So.... this day is basically up for grabs. I know my father wants to see Jon and I before Christmas day, but I'm entirely pleased with him right now, so I don't know.
Saturday: Do Christmas morning with mom and Jon =) it's our first Christmas just the three of us, so it should be interesting/nice. At least we won't get yelled at for buying our father a present like we have been the last few years. Yeah. So it should be a pretty calm morning... Traditional Christmas breakfast baking time! Then getting ready and going to my aunt's for Christmas early dinner and presents. We bought Apples to Apples the other day as a family gift, so we're probably going to take it over =) We'll probably watch Jurassic Park, which has somehow turned into our Christmas movie... not sure how that happened. But nothing says Merry Christmas more than Dinosaurs apparently?
All in all a pretty packed week, I'd say. But that's how the holidays get. They get hectic and full and loud, but for some reason, this year of all years feels more like Christmas did when I was kid, than it has in the past few years. And I have no idea why... I mean, really, THIS year of the last five? With all the sadness and doubt? But maybe that's why... because this year we need it to feel magical like it used to when things were better.. It makes sense, I suppose. But regardless. it's nice to feel the season so heartily,when the joy of it has been absent.
There's so much to look forward to. And maybe that's where this ridiculous optimism is coming from. I know that within the next week, I'll get to see the people I love, I'm being allowed the chance at reconnection; it's rainy and cold, and hell, that's the closest this part of California is ever going to get to true Christmas/Winter weather. I get to show my gratitude to those in my life, for all they've done and I cannot wait to do so! I may not be able to give much, but I know it's all given with appreciation and just an infinite amount of love.
Soon, we'll be welcoming a new year and all the people I know, are looking forward and hoping for something better than what we're leaving behind. Greg asked the question, "How can 2010 be ending like this?" And all I have to say is, "Well, at least it's ending."
Good riddance to the people who didn't stick around, to the ex-boyfriends, to the ex-lovers, to the negativity that has been nearly endless the last few months. I'm so done with 2010 and what it brought with it. I've learned so much this year, good and bad, terrible and beautiful, I've grown into a stronger, more confident person, and I will always treasure that discovery of myself... but I'm not sorry to see this year come to a close.
I'll end this year in a black party dress, high heels, glass of wine in hand, and surrounded by people I love. I may not get anything more than a kiss on the cheek at midnight, but I can't think of a better way to say hello to 2011, than with people who make me happy every day.
After that?
My 21st; which honestly feels like this new, exciting phase of my life that I've just been waiting for... I think this must be what a catepillar feels like right before it turns into a butterfly; understanding that to become what it wats to become, to do what it wants to do, it must give up everything it has been, everything that is comfortable and known-- to embrace and accept the unknown and trust wholly in itself. And I love that feeling, knowing that this is the beginning to the rest of my life, and it is independant of most anyone else, this is all me.
I'm so ready.
This renewel of spirit and faith in myself is exactly what I need-- not to depend on another person to make me whole or complete, but in understandig that it all comes from me. That I truly decide what happens to me in this life, and how to accomplish those things I want. The best part? The world is literally at my feet, waiting for me to decide on my path. I may not have all the time in the world, but I know that I have just enough to figure it out the best I possbly can.
There is this constant understanding... this constant rhythm within me. It reminds me that I want more than I've been given, more than I've accepted, more than I've been offered-- I want it all.
And you better bet your ass I'll get it.
Not only because I want it, but because I deserve it.
