The last month has been hard-- and even before that, knowing that my father could be served any day with divorce papers. The preperation for that, the stress with all the fighting going on daily, the tension... My grades have definitely taken a hit. At this point there's nothing I can do but finish the semester as gracefully as I can, with as much dignity as possible. I don't expect to pass with As-- maybe a B somewhere, if I'm lucky.
It is what it is at this point and I know I can't go back and change my incredible inattention. But I can accept it, move on and learn from it. I'm an adult, and a part of being an adult is owning up to your mistakes and hoping to better from them. Next semester I will try much harder, no questions asked- though I'm already aware that there will be outside stressors. I'll do my best to keep my head held high and kick the living shit out of my course work.
So far I have classes M-TH. M/W Start at 8am and my last class ends at 8pm. Thankfuly I have enough time between the two to take a nap and work on course-work. And my T/THs start at 930am and end at 11am. Hopefully I can find a job that allows me to work around this schedule. I do, however plan on adding more classes to my schedule. An introduction to Edu/Child Dev, and a Math lecture, but I have to wait until after waitlists are open.
I'm taking a political science class with Krista and Anna, and maybe Josh if he's able to register for it/wants to. I'm also taking a yoga class in the evenings with my friend Mary, which I'm really looking forward to.
And even though I'm keeping a positive outlook for what's to come school-wise, this isn't what this blog is about.
Like I said before, the last month has been incredibly hard. It still hits me at random times that one of the best friends I've ever had, is gone. I don't know, it's not something anyone is equipped to deal with, especially not at 20 when our lives are really just beginning. So I've spent a good amount of time feeling sorry for myself-- for the entire situation. Stuck in this limbo of caring too much and being numb from the inside out.
I've stopped taking care of me. And I know that Ronnie would have hated that. Over the years, he helped keep me together; always encouraging me to move forward, no matter how hard it was. There was never a day that passed where he let me forget my worth-- and if I somehow did, he would spend as much time as he could reinforcing the fact that I'm priceless.
In the past month, my sleeping schedule has gone to shit. I've always had dark circles, due to my night-owl tendencies, but now they're just ridiculous. And sort of scary. I've lost close to 15lbs, on top of the 10lbs that always seems to be in constant flux.
I've had amazing days, no doubt about it. With such sadness, there comes a deeper appreciation and understanding of the things that make you happy, and the people who put nothing but smiles on your face.
But still, that isn't the point of this blog.
The point is....
That I need a change. And the change has to come from me. Yes, I know that I will have bad days and that the bad days will be painful; that I won't want to get out of bed at times, that I'll want to cry without ever wanting to stop in the hopes that I'll expel every negative feeling from my heart and head.
And I will take those days. I know that I have to let myself feel everything, or one day ten years from now, I'll wake up and break down for no reason.
In the last year, I've made these incredible leaps in finding out who I am as a person.
I'm less shy, I'm more apt to speak my mind-- even on the off-chance of sound stupid; I can walk down the street with confidence, knowing that I'm beautiful, even if it isn't the most conventional type of beauty. There's no doubt as to how intelligent I am, but I can embrace it without feeling like such a nerd-- without feeling as boring as cardboard.
The thing I'm most aware of, however, is how much I have to offer to others-- to another person, speficially.
And now I think it's time for the outside to match the incredible inside that I have.
Yes, I know that I'm attractive.
I'm aware of it so much that I'm applying to be a cite model for a plus-size clothing store.
But I've always prided myself on how casual I am. I've only just realized that you can still be casual and nonchalant about the way you look, with some effort. Waking up every day with frizzy hair and saying to myself that it's okay, is going to be a thing of the past.
Dressing in the same tired outfit every day is going to change.
I'm actually going to do my hair, my make up, and dress the way I want to. Even if that I means I have to wake up earlier than I actually want to.
Why? Not to please anyone else, but because I deserve it.
I deserve to recognize all of those wonderful things about the person I am, and really bring them to the table. So I never forget how incredible I really am. Especially right now, when I don't feel so bright and shiny in the world around me.
Another part of this whole, change-experiment is not letting myself settle for second best.
Trust me when I say I will do things you will never forget. That I can give myself and love another person like they've never been loved before. I'm not a stop along the way, but the destination. And I want it all-- not just the occasional text, the occasional kiss, I deserve it all.
I'm not really looking for anyone. Lord knows I'm too young to want a heavily serious relationship-- I'm not looking for marriage or kids. But someone to spend time with. Someone to go to sleep next to and wake up next to on occasion.
Someone who will read to me, or let me read to them-- who will go mini-golfing and play board games in their underwear with me. Someone who will fuck me all night, challenge and keep me on my toes all day. I just want something real.
Not the stuff I've been settling for.
I'm going to be 21 soon.
Very soon.
And yes, that means I will be going out to drink, to dance, to do things that I've always said were unappealing, only because I felt like they shouldn't appeal to me.
Fuck it, I'm just going to live on my terms; with the people I love and accomplish the things I want to accomplish. That's it, that's all there is to it.
I'm going to cut my hair and dye it, I'm going to wear red lipstick, and wear little black dresses.
I'm just going to live because there's nothing else I can do.
That's it.
That's the point.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
How close am I to losing you?
If I had been brave enough today, if I had been sure I could have gotten through talking about you without my voice breaking beyond recognition, I would have spoken up.
I would have told everyone that we had met about seven years ago, and that our friendship was just a natural progression. One day we were strangers and the next we weren't. I would have talked about how absolutely awe-struck I was by you and your immediate kindness and acceptance of some strange, silly girl. And how almost nothing in my life has been as easy as being your friend.
But there's no way I could have gotten through it, even with the strength I know you're giving to me daily, even with all the love in that room.
But I would have told everyone about the Halloweens we spent together, the long walks in the park, our incredible heart to heart talks; or how your friendship kept me sane, and most importantly alive, when all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and waste away. How no matter the day, no matter the time, you were always there for me, even when you were on the otherside of the planet, fighting for your life.
I would have told everyone that sophomore year of high school, you joined show choir just so we could all be in it together, even though you were so far outside of your very obvious comfort zone; but your drive to succeed was there, and of course you outshined everyone.
There's so many things I would have said to you, for you, about you-- most of them the people in that room already know, though.
Your courage, obvious since the day I met you. Your smile, and how it never once left your face; how it could literally brighten up a room or cheerup a crying girl. Your amazing presence, and how though you're gone, I can still feel you all around me and inside of my heart. Your perception and how you always made me look twice at the world around me, even if I felt I gave it a good look the first time around. Your humor, and how just thinking of your laughter brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
I would have spoken about your generous and genuine heart, and how you never failed those around you.
When Cruz spoke today, I immediately burst into tears. For having never met him, I recognized him right away. From one conversation with him, and all those memories you shared with me, I recognized him as my brother and another hurting heart. Afterwards, hugging him and talking with him; Babe, he's so much like you... your speech inflections, your mannerisms, even the way you laugh.
It was like standing next to you, getting to feel your warmth and heartbeat all in his form
Today was hard. And I know I've said it one millions time and that I'll probably say it one million more, but even with all the evidence, this still doesn't feel real.
You're my Ronnay, remember? And I'm your Mollay! And this shouldn't be happening.
Tomorrow we're saying our goodbyes to an amazing man; someone wise beyond his years and more compassionate than most of the people I've ever met, in numbers.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to one of my best friends; someone I never imagined would be apart of my life, someone I am so grateful to have known and loved and grown up with.
I know it isn't goodbye. That I carry you irrevocably in my heart. And that you will be with my every day, until we're meant to meet again, wherever we're meant to meet.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to a brother, to my brother; and thought we're not related by blood, that is bond nothing can break-- not even something as cruel as death.
I love you, babe.
I wish there was more time, more memories, and definitely more pictures. I wish I had paid more attention to every single detail of every single day spent with you. But I know the sound of your voice, I may not hear it when I try to recall it, but there's a lift and recognition in my heart, that yes, that's you. I remember the feel of you, your hugs and breathing and how comfort meant just standing next to you.
Forever and ever, to infinity and beyond, Ronnie J.
Do you remember the time that you wanted to remind me that you love me? I know, and I will remember for the rest of my life-- I was loved by you and you are forever loved by me.
Sleep well, brother.
Sleep with the angels; sleep and rest and know that you are remembered and loved beyond measure.
I would have told everyone that we had met about seven years ago, and that our friendship was just a natural progression. One day we were strangers and the next we weren't. I would have talked about how absolutely awe-struck I was by you and your immediate kindness and acceptance of some strange, silly girl. And how almost nothing in my life has been as easy as being your friend.
But there's no way I could have gotten through it, even with the strength I know you're giving to me daily, even with all the love in that room.
But I would have told everyone about the Halloweens we spent together, the long walks in the park, our incredible heart to heart talks; or how your friendship kept me sane, and most importantly alive, when all I wanted to do was lock myself in my room and waste away. How no matter the day, no matter the time, you were always there for me, even when you were on the otherside of the planet, fighting for your life.
I would have told everyone that sophomore year of high school, you joined show choir just so we could all be in it together, even though you were so far outside of your very obvious comfort zone; but your drive to succeed was there, and of course you outshined everyone.
There's so many things I would have said to you, for you, about you-- most of them the people in that room already know, though.
Your courage, obvious since the day I met you. Your smile, and how it never once left your face; how it could literally brighten up a room or cheerup a crying girl. Your amazing presence, and how though you're gone, I can still feel you all around me and inside of my heart. Your perception and how you always made me look twice at the world around me, even if I felt I gave it a good look the first time around. Your humor, and how just thinking of your laughter brings a smile to my face and tears to my eyes.
I would have spoken about your generous and genuine heart, and how you never failed those around you.
When Cruz spoke today, I immediately burst into tears. For having never met him, I recognized him right away. From one conversation with him, and all those memories you shared with me, I recognized him as my brother and another hurting heart. Afterwards, hugging him and talking with him; Babe, he's so much like you... your speech inflections, your mannerisms, even the way you laugh.
It was like standing next to you, getting to feel your warmth and heartbeat all in his form
Today was hard. And I know I've said it one millions time and that I'll probably say it one million more, but even with all the evidence, this still doesn't feel real.
You're my Ronnay, remember? And I'm your Mollay! And this shouldn't be happening.
Tomorrow we're saying our goodbyes to an amazing man; someone wise beyond his years and more compassionate than most of the people I've ever met, in numbers.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to one of my best friends; someone I never imagined would be apart of my life, someone I am so grateful to have known and loved and grown up with.
I know it isn't goodbye. That I carry you irrevocably in my heart. And that you will be with my every day, until we're meant to meet again, wherever we're meant to meet.
Tomorrow I'm saying goodbye to a brother, to my brother; and thought we're not related by blood, that is bond nothing can break-- not even something as cruel as death.
I love you, babe.
I wish there was more time, more memories, and definitely more pictures. I wish I had paid more attention to every single detail of every single day spent with you. But I know the sound of your voice, I may not hear it when I try to recall it, but there's a lift and recognition in my heart, that yes, that's you. I remember the feel of you, your hugs and breathing and how comfort meant just standing next to you.
Forever and ever, to infinity and beyond, Ronnie J.
Do you remember the time that you wanted to remind me that you love me? I know, and I will remember for the rest of my life-- I was loved by you and you are forever loved by me.
Sleep well, brother.
Sleep with the angels; sleep and rest and know that you are remembered and loved beyond measure.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)