Red Lipstick & Self-Care

One of my favorite methods of self-care is to wear red lipstick out.

Not only do I have to mentally work up the confidence, and for lack of a better word, 'swagger,' but

red lipstick is an instant boost.

It can change an entire look in the time it takes to put on, and just as quickly, it can change perspective.

It's empowering in so many ways.

I'm not sure why, it is just is.

Today I was pin-up above my shoulders:

A very demure 50's hair-do.

Red lips.

Big eyes.

And my glasses (every day staple of this blind babe)

And very... Stevie Nicks from the shoulders down:

Black, billowy top tucked into a

Bright green skirt

Braided brown leather belt

And gold flats.

I got a ton of compliments and that's always a plus on a self-care day.

What is self-care?

Self-care is pretty easy.

You do things that make you feel better.

Some days, that means I sit around the apartment all day.

Others, it might mean that I bake cupcakes or that I take a late bubble bath with a glass of wine.

On days like today, it meant I dressed up for no particular reason and held my head high.

To me, doing something a little special for yourself is mandatory.

Sometimes when I'm in a good mood, I forget

And then when I'm in a shit mood, I'm too bummed to bother.

I'd had a migraine for two days straight and today, it was gone.

I decided it was time for some self-care.

It's simple.

It's effective.

Everyone should do something a little extra special for themselves, every once in a while.

Even if it's just putting on red lipstick.

You Have Everything You Need.

I've been meaning to update this thing since I got home, but I've been pretty focused on other facets of my life and have sort of put long-winded anything on the back burner for the time being.

Since I've been home for almost exactly a month (two days shy), I figured I should post, if for nothing else than to get down my thoughts and goals.

But first, here are a few vacation photos!

The Ballard Locks. For as many times as I've been to Washington, I've never been *here* before, and I have to say, I doubt I would have been able to appreciate it when I was younger. But it is seriously one of the coolest places I've ever been.

If you've ever seen Ten Things I Hate About You, then you might recognize this guy. He's the Fremont Troll who resides under the Fremont Bridge in Seattle. There is some ridiculously amazing street art in Seattle: a ginormous statue of Lenin, street art modeled after every day happenings, paintings on every corner, the shops and buildings themselves. But nothing compare to this! It's one of my favorite tourist spots in Seattle.
Also, obviously it's huge, but there's my 6'5" brother sitting atop its head for some idea of just how huge.                                                                                  

The next two are from Pike's Place, an outside market that sells everything and anything you could ever hope to have. It's one of the hot-spots, and not just for tourists, but for locals as well. It's vibrant, it's beautiful, and everything is fresh. It's a feast for the eyes and nose and ears, as local musicians play almost everywhere you turn. Pike's is pretty famous for it's 'flying fish' and showmanship of each vendor. 

We spent the first few days of our trip in Lynnwood (about 15-30 minutes outside of Seattle -depending on traffic-), and the new few on Friday Harbor, an island in the cluster of the San Juan islands. So, obviously, we had to travel by ferry to get there and back again. From Seattle to FH, it's about an hour and a half.
On Mother's Day, we ended up taking a three hour tour of the islands themselves. 

 I can say now that I've been to a lavender farm! I love lavender, it's one of my favorite smells and one of my favorite teas. There, my sister and I had a great heart-to-heart, walked around the fields, and drank some delicious white-lavender tea (which, of course, I decided to buy). The field wasn't in full-bloom, though you can see where some of the bushes have begun to turn purple.

 And here, after we returned to Seattle, before visiting Alki Beach (which was stunning!), is the famous Seattle Skyline. 

My trip, was in short, amazing.
My siblings are so important to me and it really physically hurts that I don't see them as often as I'd like. I texted my sister on the way home at one point and told her I hated her, because even though I'm aware of how much I miss her, seeing her and then leaving her, is always like a punch to the gut.
She told me she hated me, too.

With my siblings, my older ones especially, I'm a completely different person. I'm loud and exaggerated and hilarious in ways that I'm not comfortable being in my every day life. With them, a really great part of who I am gets to shine and that means that for however long I'm with them, the three of us (usually four of us) are in tears from laughing so hard and so often. In hindsight, the things that happened probably aren't as funny as we thought they were, even with the context, but it's the company that matters. It's the company that makes whatever it is that's happening so damnably great.

As I said, my sister and I had a heart-to-heart, during our traditional and long standing practice of 'sister time.' It was the first time we've been able to really talk in the last two years. We've fought before, what siblings don't, but when our dad and my mom were divorcing, my sister and I would go months without talking because there were things I couldn't tell her and things I didn't have the courage to tell her.
It felt so good to just sit down and be honest and hurt and strong all at the same time. Sometimes I really don't give her enough credit when I have no reason to doubt her.
We're two very different people, that's true.
She grew up harder than I had to in a lot of ways.
Her mom was broke and raising two children, she had to get to know my mother, she had to accept Finn and I once we were born. Those are things that I will never understand.
Growing up, I never wanted for anything, I had both of my parents, and there was a ready made family just waiting for me to terrorize.
But again, there are things she'll never be able to understand about how I grew up.
She didn't witness or hear the abuse that happened in the house, all she is has is the word of my father and myself; Finn doesn't talk and she and mom are working on rebuilding their relationship, slowly but surely.

She encouraged... no, she implored me to move to Washington.
And here is where my main focus as of right now comes in:
My goal has always been to move to Washington, and that hasn't changed, I've just given myself a time-line to do so. And now, it feels real; it's tangible and I'm working towards it.
I love it there.
I may be a Californian, born and bred, but in my heart, I know that I belong there in a way that I've never belonged here. No amount of familial ties or friendships could change that fact. I've known it since I was seven and I was sitting in the audience at my sister's high school graduation.
A lot has changed, I have changed, but that desire and knowing never has.

My sister thinks that I'll thrive there in a way I've never quite seemed to do here.
And I agree.
And now I'm working towards getting there.

As for the other focus my life has suddenly taken:
Advocacy.
I've been working towards becoming a youth mentor and advocate for those who have survived sexual assault.
I'm applying to volunteer as a speaker through RAINN.
This is something I'm passionate about, perhaps, even to a fault. I've noticed more and more the weird looks my friends give me when I talk about the misogyny apparent in our culture; when I open my mouth about rape culture and gender identities and feminism. I thought it was bad when I talk about body-positivity and all that, but no, apparently the fact that I use the word feminist is frightening.
I may be passionate and I may be mad, but I find that it's better than the alternative.

But yeah, in other news:
I'm finally signing up for the gym (and will post my running/work out playlists at a later date)
Finn is home! My partner in crime! And I can't wait for the mayhem to begin. I know that I saw him last month, but I swear that he's grown an inch and his afro is bigger than it was.
Next Saturday, my best friend and I are going to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery. Every weekend they play old 'classics' and it's a pretty big to-do. I know they've shown in a few movies, most recently, in Valentine's Day and I am super excited. We're packing a picnic and some wine.
My best out of state friend might come spend a week/end here! I'm so excited. I was supposed to see her when I drove back through Oregon, but some family issues made it so it wasn't possible. I really hope she's able to and that work doesn't interfere for either of us.
Oh.
And Disneyland.
I can't wait.

Also, I've been reading A Song of Ice and Fire and can say that I'm absolutely in love. I know, I know, I'm late to the party, but the only thing that matters is that I finally showed up.
I started reading when I got back from WA and read the first three books in about a week each. I'm reading the fourth as slowly as I can, since the friend I'm reading them with is still on the third. But Holy Shit.
I'm trying to figure out how this level of genius even exists in this day and age (that isn't to say that great books haven't been published, hello Neil Gaiman and JK Rowling). But the fact that each book is about 1,000 pages (give or take) and that he's still writing them, I can't even contain my levels of love.

I'm obsessed with The Hound (which, of course I am) and Jaqen (though, if you've read the books/seen the show, you know how much time he's actually allotted as 'Jaqen'). As I'm reading, I wish I could be more like Arya and have slowly, yet unfailing, come to love Sansa.
I'm sure every character that I've attached myself to (even the ones you're not innately supposed to like) will die, because that's the way the world works, but I am so excited by this series.
I'm worried to finish a Feast for Crows since then, I'll only have a Dance with Dragons to read...
GRRM needs to crank out the next two relatively soon.
Please.
Please?

But yeah,
I was going to go on this whole thing about how forming myself as an advocate has made me re-examine my own survival, but that would have been long and messy, and this entry is already long and messy enough.
It's also quite cheerful, which is a big leap from the last dozen or so blogs I've actually put any thought into.

Washington, Packing, Flattered, and a Photo.

I leave on Tuesday for Washington! I am super excited and so ready to not be in California-- the last vacation I took was in 2009, when I went to San Diego with some girlfriends. There was some last minute changes to my travel plans, though. Originally, I was supposed to leave tomorrow, since driving, I'd need to stop twice to sleep before arriving in Washington on the 9th, but at the last minute, my older brother and I decided he should fly in from Florida Tuesday morning, and that way we could drive straight to Washington, stopping to surprise our little brother in Santa Barbara. He saved money, and it's a winning situation for everyone involved.

Whenever I tell people it's been two years since I've seen my brother and sister, I get weird looks; I guess most people are used to living really close by to their siblings, but this is pretty normal to me at this point. They moved when I was three, and they visited twice a year, every year, until I was in junior high-- when they graduated high school, and it turned into once a year, to maybe not quite every year, and then visiting when people in the family passed away or we reached milestones. I do envy people who grew up with their siblings always on their backs, but even if had all grown up together, I think our relationships would be similar to how they are now. Being 12 and 11 years younger than your older siblings, respectively, offers interesting perspectives and relationships. I don't think I'd have it any other way, though.

My period did end up starting, which I'm thankful for-- I was worried it would start full force on my trip, or that I might have to visit the hospital before or after I got back. Only now, I'm either being afflicted by allergies (which is completely possible after spending the entire day in storage, with dust mites and general disgusting things) or I'm catching a cold. I'm hoping for the former... I'm now on Emergen-c, allergy meds, and cold medicine, just to be safe. My sister is apparently sick, which doesn't bode well for me once I get up there, since I catch colds like nobody's business.

I'm having a bit of a problems packing. All of my instincts say I should take everything I own with me, which is what I did the last time I packed and spent months living out of my suitcase... I know that there's nothing to worry about, that I have a home to come back to, but I'm panicking, no matter how irrational it might be. I'll probably end up taking more than I actually need, but on the way back from Washington, I'm spending a few days in San Francisco and will need the extra clothes. But yeah. Plus, the weather difference between California and Washington... here, I wear skirts at least three times a week and there, if I wear a skirt, I'll have to wear two pairs of tights and my heavy winter coat to deal.

But anyway.

A funny thing did happen the other day while I was at storage.

The car battery died and needed to be replaced that day, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to make it home (I was 45+ minutes away from I live now), and I had to stop at the nearest Wal-Mart. The mechanic was pretty smitten with me-- it was adorable. He was asking questions and our eyes met, and even though people were trying to get his attention, he couldn't stop staring and didn't hear anyone. Finally I looked down and he realized what was going on and tried to catch up to the conversations going on around him.

He was obviously interested, but when I came back to get the keys, I was pretty shy. I regret it now, but when it comes to men and dating and those sorts of things, I become this ridiculous withering flower. If I know a guy, I can be pretty aggressive, but if a stranger shows interest in me, I wait until they make a move. This works well at bars and at amusement parks, but apparently this guy needed a bit more from me... he was pretty cute and had a nice voice; aside from the fact that he's gainfully employed, that's all I know about him. He could be a complete creep, but I guess it doesn't much matter now, since I don't make it a habit to go into that city if I can help it. 

But that was a particular bright spot in my week. I was beyond flattered.

Something similar happened when I was walking to my apartment last night, but it was more threatening than inspiring, considering the fact it was almost 3am.

This is what I looked like last night. Dark lips (courtesy of MAC's Diva) and my natural hair. Aside from lips, mascara, and a touch of eyeliner, I'm not wearing much of anything on my face. I also can't get over my hair... I can't believe I hated it growing up; it's wonderful.

<3

PCOS.

This has become my personal blog. When I first began writing here, I had intended to invite friends and family to share this with me, but as time progressed, I realized that I needed a place to just talk without judgement. My main blog has close to 1,000 subscribers and even though it's mine, I do, occasionally, get people who don't approve of my voice and it really brings down my overall blogging experience when that happens. I really appreciate having this blog to vent on, cry on, be stupidly giddy on, and ramble about makeup/hair/style on.

With that being said, this is an entry I wouldn't feel comfortable posting on my other blog. I know people will be able to find this entry based on keywords, but at least they'll have found it for the right reasons.

When I was freshmen in high school, I got really sick, repeatedly. I was having tremendously horrible pains in my stomach, mostly confined to my left side. At one point, I was in my kitchen making tea and I almost fainted due to the pain in my side. A few weeks after that, I had to be rushed to the ER for the same blinding pain-- only it had somehow intensified.

I found out that night that I have something called PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. And it's exactly what it sounds like-- I have cysts on my ovaries. This, actually, isn't all that special. Most women have cysts by or around their ovaries. But unlike most women, mine do not come and go without issue. Mine literally burst and cause pain; they can prevent periods, they cause cystic acne, weight retention, and seriously inhibit fertility.

This is the first time in a long time that I've had a serious problem with my PCOS. I've never missed a period before due to it, and now I'm about two weeks late with all of my normal period symptoms. Headache, breast tenderness, bloating, mood swings, even cramping, but my period is still a no-show. This isn't too uncommon for women with PCOS, but it's really freaking me out. I know I'm not pregnant, since I'm celibate and you know, sex is a catalyst to pregnancy.

I'm stressing about this, and I know that stressing only further prevents my period from starting, but I can't stop. I'm very uncomfortable. Mostly I hope my body corrects itself before I leave for Washington in 13 days. If not, I might go crazy.

Makeup & Music.

I figured since I just made a ridiculously heavy post, I'd do a quick rather light-hearted one as well.

As everyone knows, makeup has become a creative outlet for me. I don't do anything crazy, but I do enjoy blending the colors, seeing what works and what doesn't, and expressing myself through the way I paint my face. So, with the various giftcards I have and through the generosity of the people in my life, I've recently acquired three products I'm really excited about.

1. Blackberry, by MAC

2. Diva, by MAC

3. Naked 2 Palette, by Urban Decay

I've been looking for a nice purple eye shadow for sometime. My problem is, I don't like really bright colors on my eyes, they make me look really tired. And am generally partial to neutrals. When I found Blackberry, I was really excited and the color is gorgeous. I did a test run lid wash with it yesterday and it is just so subtle! It can be paired any which way I'd like it to be the range of eye shadows that I own, as I said, it works as a wash, and also to line my eyes with,

Diva was more of an impulse purchase. I've been looking for a new lip color for a while, and feel in love with how absolutely vampy it is. Not quite red, not quite plum, and the color is ridiculously deep. It's really beautiful. I don't know if it would be appropriate with most of the outfits I wear (I tend to wear a lot of black, and feel like dark hair, dark clothing, vampy lips would take me right back to being 13/14 again, lol), but I can definitely make it work for a night out. Maybe if I blot the color and put a lighter gloss over it, I could pull it out for day time. We shall see!

And of course, the Naked 2! This palette is geared more towards cooler skin types, where as the Naked palette is genuinely neutral and can be worn by both cool/warm skin tones without a problem. However, I'm neutrally skin-toned and don't have too much of an issue with cooler based colors, aside from my own personal taste (this also means, I can dye my hair blonde/brown/black/red, can wear silver and gold jewelry, I can wear any red lipstick -no matter its base color-, and basically wear any sort of color I want in my outfit, without it clashing with my skin tone).

I'm especially excited for Foxy, Chopper, Snakebite, and YDK, but I can't wait to wear them all!

Right now Urban Decay is running a free gift with purchase--
Sin eye shadow primers (their primer is the absolute best)
And All Nighter setting spray
You can get two of one, or one of each.

I'm currently listening to:
This season of the Voice,
Marina and the Diamonds,
Kimbra,
The Civil Wars,
And the Hunger Games soundtrack.

Safe and Sound.

I've been having a problem with the confidence I feel in my abilities. Not one ability, not one weak spot, but all of them. There were so many things I wanted to do, had done, planned to do, and then things went to shit and my confidence has really been shaken up. I haven't really talked about it much with anyone; I don't want to sound as if I'm whinging for attention or the validation of my talents and efforts. I just genuinely feel very lost as to where I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to get there. Last night I was feeling a bit vulnerable and in the middle of texting with a friend, I sort of verbally threw up every fear that I have.

I've just been stuck in a rut and you've been so proactive in taking charge of your destiny; I need a bit of your magic. Everything the last year has just worn me down so much, to the point where I no longer feel confident in my abilities anymore. And after losing everything and being homeless, I'm too worried about becoming comfortable anywhere. I don't really want to put roots down.

That reminds me of a conversation I had back before I moved, with a friend who had just gotten kicked out of his house. He told me about how it changes your definition of home from 'where you live' to 'anywhere the people that love you are.' So really, as long as you're with people you care about, you're home, no matter where you are. Seriously, with everything you've been through and done? If you put yourself out there, there's no way you can fail.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, but I still can't quite believe it... or in myself. After squatting in our house with barely any heat, living out of our suitcases, and sharing one mattress; after living in the car with another human being, two dogs, and my own intense dislike of sharing close quarters; after sleeping on a hotel floor, staying away all night because I was too afraid to fall into a deep sleep until the morning; laying on the countless floors of family and friends, not knowing where I'd be the next day or if I ever had a place that I considered base again... I just feel scared.

Having a roof over my head, bit by bit reclaiming my space and possessions and allowing myself to sleep deeply and calmly, being happy that even though we didn't get to keep our cats, I still have my dog and my brother's dog. I get to take a shower without worrying about who is waiting outside the door. I get to take a shower. Period. I'm so glad and thankful... I could cry, I do cry, I am crying, because I was so scared-- not just those last few months, but for almost two years about what I'd do when all was said and done.

My legs are shaking, trying to regain the ground that I lost.

I'm in a strange city. That I'm warming up to as time goes by, that I genuinely like, but that I don't care to get attached to, in case something else happens. I'm afraid of going back to school, because the profession I was so set on, doesn't make me particularly excited anymore. And that breaks my heart. As long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do is teach and now, I just don't know if I'd be able to be that normal or that settled anywhere. So... why should I go back to school? I want to, but I know I'd be, in essence, starting from scratch and that just leaves me feeling tired. Getting a job? I know I need one, but I just don't feel smart enough to get one now... which sounds ridiculous. My entire time in college, I was on the Dean's list, and was repeatedly praised for my theories and application of my knowledge and passion to various subjects-- I had teacher's complain that they could no longer teach me, when I'd finished their courses. But I just feel thick, too slow; I am molasses and I can't stop being molasses. Not because it's fun being this way, but because I'm afraid of what happens I get too confident, too comfortable, too set in a positive direction... what will happen when it goes wrong again and I feel like molasses again? I don't know if I could handle being this sorely sad and beaten down again, after being so fucking sure of everything.

All I hear is, 'why aren't you doing this? why aren't you doing this better? You should be happy, you should be relieved, you should be grateful.' And I am very relieved and beyond grateful for the bad things to be over... I'm happy in my own way, too. I'm trying to adjust...

But it isn't fast enough for anyone... I'm just doing wrong, because I haven't snapped out of my survival mode and into living mode, yet. Will I eat tonight? Will it be edible? Do I have the option to wash my face before bed, when I wake up, can I make tea, can I stretch out, can I? I'm supposed to continue taking care of my mother. I haven't stopped since I was sixteen and because I'm not always smiling, I'm made to feel bad, because she's too frail to take care of me too.

I am happy.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have an apartment.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have a roof over my head.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I am grateful for the things I have.
I am alive.
I am okay.

I don't have to cry anymore.
Okay?

Everything is going to be okay now. I am alive, I am grateful, I have a place to be.

I just need to snap out of this and everything will be better.

Hopefully visiting my sister and older brother next month (18 days) will help put things back into order. I think Being in Washington in the rain, in my favorite state, with two of my favorite people, will wake me up.

And to be clear: I love my mother, I would do anything in the world for her, and I don't mind taking care of her... I just need to know that I can take the time I need to put myself back together, sometimes.

Music, Life, Self-Care.

I am so in love with Juliet Simm's version of Roxanne. I wasn't sure how I felt about her auditioning for the Voice, since I've been a fan of hers for the last five or so years, and couldn't quite understand why she'd do it when she's had a lot of success on her own terms.
But after seeing her perform this song, I'm really glad she is on the show.
With that being said, I felt the same way when Charlotte Sometimes auditioned (for the same reasons) and am super sad she didn't make it through the last round.

My mom said she was sad that I had given up on singing professionally, before I even got started, but it's competition like this that sort of makes me shake in my boots. Maybe someday I'll pursue something musically, but right now I'm really content to appreciate the other voices the industry has to offer.

I just had to share this.

The other day I did write a blog detailing the last few months, but after thinking on it, I realized that to sort of get past the ridiculous things that have happened, I didn't need to rehash it for the entire world to see-- if they so decided to.

All that really matters is that things are better now and they're going to continue to get better.

I've had a great two days full of (sorely needed) self care.
Had a nice lunch with mom Friday.
Bought Anna Karenina.
Explored some shops.
And then Saturday, went to lunch with Leelee.
We went into town.
And stopped by a la minute for ice cream,
Which is anyone has been there before, knows the wait,
But also knows it is so worth it.

Today, I'm excited for Game of Thrones, taking Elfie for a walk, and getting some reading in.