I Know That Things Just Don't Grow If You Don't Bless Them With Your Patience

I promise I will make a proper update sometime soon. Things have been insane... and I'm not sure when things will actually even out, instead of just giving the appearance of calm.
The blog title speaks volumes about how I'm feeling, though.

I've met someone.
I'm looking for work.
I'm trying my very best to be grateful.
And light.
I can't remember the last time I felt more attractive.

The song is: "Emmylou" by First Aid Kit

Hope you're all doing well.
Cheers.

Trying to find an emotion...

I have an ear infection and feel thoroughly defeated at the moment.

I'm trying very hard not to feel that way.

On the bright side, tomorrow is another day; hopefully the pressure in my head will lessen and I'll be able to stand up for more than a few minutes without toppling over. And hopefully this heaviness I feel in my heart and on my shoulders will go with it.

Today just made me realize that I don't really cry anymore. And that makes me want to cry more than anything else.

Take it all.

Maybe you got too used to having me around?

Urban Decay's Naked Palette

Mine finally arrived! After a faulty order the first time through in November, Macy's sent me a replacement giftcard and I was able to re-order once Macy's Urban Decay had stocked back up. I'm happy to report that this time there was no issue, and due to the issues last time, they refunded me S&H this go around.

As I've mentioned before, I'm obsessed with neutrals and have been abusing my poor Benefit creaseless eye shadows like there's no tomorrow lately. This palette will be an incredible addition to R.S.V.P & Flatter Me (which can be used as bases for the UD colors or alone, as washes or in full looks).

I tore into it yesterday and was rewarded with the richest powder shadows I've ever seen. I've used Clinque and Estee Lauder powders before and while they're nice, they in no way compare to the texture of Urban Decay! They're decadent, boldly pigmented, and are beautiful to work with.

The packaging is gorgeous as well-- velvet exterior, simple on the inside with a very usable mirror.

Without a doubt, it's everything I expected it to be and even more! I'm very excited to break it out tonight for my birthday celebration! Depending on what the look turns out like, I'm thinking of pairing it with Benefit's Nice Knickers or Jing-a-Ling (favorite pink color, favorite nude).

Anyway! I just wanted to share since I wrote about the palette way back when and then never said anything else.

Hope you're all doing well!
Cheers.

My Birthday & 22 before 23!

My birthday was really nice. I mostly just spent time with my family; mom made my favorite (traditional) dinner, bought cupcakes, and we finished Rise of the Planet of the Apes (which was surprisingly good-- much better than I expected it to be!). As far as presents go, I feel as though I made it out as a bandit and honestly didn't expect too much after Christmas.

To my surprise:
$300 for Forever 21
Over $200 for Barnes and Noble
Over $50 for Regal Entertainment
$50 for Sephora
$25 for Bath and Bodyworks
And a necklace from my momma (which has become tradition)

I feel really humble, once more, by the generosity of my family and their willingness to go out of their way for me. It's more than I ever expected! But the gifts are practical: these are the things (with the exception of movie going) that I spend the most on.

Also, I did two things I was extremely proud of myself for yesterday. The first, I threw away the break-up journal I had written back when I was 16. It was a fairly traumatic break-up that followed an equally traumatic relationship and when I wrote it, I was in a pretty destructive place. The second, I tore up and then threw away the photos my attacker took the day he sexually assaulted me-- it took me nine years to build up that courage. I wasn't sure if I'd ever really live without the shadow of both over my head.... but throwing them in the trash, liberating myself, felt better than I ever could have imagined. This is the year of new life.

Now, I've been working on this for a while. I feel as though there is so much I want to accomplish this year, that limiting myself would be silly, but then I remember that making a list is as if I've made some sort contract with myself and I get excited by the prospect of it all.

These are in no particular order; not one takes priority over the others.

1. Get Better Organized: 
Take the time to store things properly, hang up clothes (I usually just leave them in baskets and go on my merry way), find a (new) suitable method for storing make-up and accessories, refile all of my school notes/essays/exams, and re-box all of my shoes to keep my space tidy and open.

2. Get One of my Three Big Tattoo Pieces:
Either my Claddagh on my left shoulder blade, my Bukowski tribute/Hummingbird designed by my beautiful Ambo-Pop on my right thigh, or my roses for my mother on my left thigh.

3. Get a Car:
My friend Leelee has offered to sell me hers once she buys a new one, and it's a very good offer. Either that, or find a seller from craigslist or one of those numerous car sites. I've been looking and have a price-range in mind, and what type of car I'd like... but I'm not going to be too picky. I just need one.

4. Get Back into School:
I'm going to transfer from the one I've been at for the last two years and finish my AA. I'm this close to being done before I can transfer to Uni and putting my schooling on hold has been one of the most difficult decisions I've ever had to make.

5. Take Up Some Sort of Sewing/Needle-Point:
I need more productive hobbies! I'd just really like to do something new with my time.

6. Drop 2-3 Pants Sizes:
My weight has been yo-yoing since Ronnie died, and I'm constantly trying to compensate with new clothing. I love my body, there's no debate or question about that, but I'd like to get to a size and stay there for more than a year. Buying new clothes constantly is such a strain. Plus, 2-3 pants sizes from where I am would be perfect for my body type. I just need to tone up and keep healthy.

7. Audition For a Show:
I've been training myself and am almost back to where I was when I was in vocal training every day (consistently for 10 years) and I'd really love to get back on stage. Or at least attempt to.

8. Get My Kurt Vonnegut Tattoo:
There's not much to say about this one. I've wanted it for 3/4 years and it hasn't happened yet.

9. Find a Full-Time Position:
Now that I have a ton of job experience, it's harder to find a job than when I'd had none at all! It's really frustrating.

10. Start Walking Again Every Night:
When I was in high school, I walked absolutely everywhere, all over the city and never once complained. And even after that, I'd go walking every night, but again, after Ronnie died, I stopped taking care of myself. I really need to get back into the swing of things.

11. Cook At Least One New Meal a Week:
I've discovered that cooking is a real passion of mine and I collect recipes like no other. My mother's palate is very sensitive, so it's hard to find something she'll eat that I want to try to make. But regardless, this is the year I'm going to expand my talents and horizons.

12. Bake At Least Twice a Month:
I don't bake nearly as often as I'd like. Maybe once every four or five months, maybe less than that.

13. Try My Hand at Some Sort of Tutorial:
I'll need a better web-cam before I can pull it off, I think. Unless I find a nice tripod for my actual camera. But I have so many hair tutorials, nail tutorials, and makeup tutorials that I want to share with everyone! Now that I've actually made an investment in those aspects of myself, it's all I want to do when I get online.

14. Do a Giveaway:
I actually have one planned, but it won't be on here. I just have to keep myself honest and work hard to do it. Whenever it comes to things like this, I get shy and chicken out.

15. Go Out of State:
I don't care if I just go to Vegas, I want to get out of California for a few days time and just relax. Ideally, I'd love to visit my Sissy in Washington, or my brother and the babies in Florida! Even though I absolutely hate Florida, lol.

16. Do a Healthy Detox:
It just seems like a good idea to clean out your system, honestly. Plus, I'd like to know that I have the willpower to do so.

17. Read 50 Books:
This is a goal every year and I'd like to say I've done it in recent years, but I haven't. It's time to start spoiling myself in literature again!

18. Work on Original Fiction:
I've put my original stuff on hold for more practice, and I love the practice. I love having a community that is receptive to my some-what borrowed vision; I love having that support and constructive criticism. But I need to start being true to my own words and push myself past my wall to work on my voice.

19. Immerse Myself in the DIY-World:
Lately I've been obsessed with crafting, after years of admiring from a-far, and I don't think I'll ever go back to being a simple spectator when I can be making beautiful things myself. It's liberating and so much fun.

20. Join a Roller Derby Team:Yes, just yes.

21. Grow My Hair Past the Small of My Back:
It's pretty long, but not long enough! I've become obsessed with my hair, its health, length, and overall appearance. I prefer the way I look with longer hair now, but I know that eventually I'll chop it all off again. And when I do, I want it to be as long as possible so I have more wiggle room with style.

22. Fall in Lurve:
Yes, yes, I couldn't get anymore cliche if I tried. But now that life is getting back on track, things are looking up, and I've never loved myself more, I've decided I shouldn't stop myself from finding happiness. Whenever it comes to dating, I do nothing but self-sabotage out of fear of inadequacy. I feel as though I'm really ready to open myself up to another person and embark on a journey with them. We'll see how it goes!

Anyway! This is my list and I'm super excited to start embracing my life and working hard for my future.

Quick Review/Update

My review Fridays are off to a terrible a start!
I would have updated yesterday, but I was in bed all day, sick. Honestly, I was awake for four hours yesterday and went right back to bed until this morning. You know I'm sick when I'm given the chance to watch Alan Rickman in anything (in this case, Die Hard) and I decide sleep is the better, more practical option.

So I apologize self, we promised we'd do better at this.

Mindy Kaling's Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me (And Other Concerns) is a humorous look at life, through the eyes of an actress/comedy writer. If you don't recognize her name, she's a writer for the US version of The Office, and is the face of Kelly Kapoor on the same show.

It took me a little longer than usual to finish her book, not because I didn't like it, but because there's so much going on in my life-- but when I was able to dedicate time to it, I honestly didn't want to put it down. It's like having a conversation with a very close girl friend. Mindy is candid and uncompromising in her appraisal of herself, the world of show business, men, and the just as equally uncompromising world of fashion. She's unafraid to make herself the punch line of a joke to get the true message across, and she is honestly a breath of fresh-air.

Most of the time, I found this to be a very light-hearted read. But at the end of one her more solemn, self-realizing passages, I found myself tearing up (she's right: there's nothing like that first best friend you make growing up). I 100% agreed with her rules for Being Best Friends and the difference between a Man and a Boy-- though sometimes boys like to dress up as men and confuse the hell out of us.

My only real problem with the book is the amount of body-shaming (though, let's be honest, unless we're aware we're doing it, there's no stopping most people from saying the exact same things) and slut-shaming.

Overall, I really enjoyed Mindy's voice and can't wait until she deems enough time has passed to write another memoir.

Until then, if you like to read, laugh, occasionally cry, and feel as if you're talking to an old friend over coffee, I'd suggest you run out and pick up a copy.

Or you can follow Mindy on Twitter: @mindykaling

I'm going to give this book an
8.5/10

----

Things have been crazy!

I'd really love to go into more detail than that, but for the time being, it's not wise.

Like I said, I was sick yesterday with the same stomach bug Finn had at the beginning of the year. Suffice it to say, I was not a happy camper by any means. I'm feeling much better, even if I'm a little wary of food at the moment (and totally ravenous-- I ate once in over 32 hours).

Finally decided what I'm going to do for my 22nd. Nothing too special, but some of us are going to a local dueling piano bar on the 12th-- I've never not had a good time there, so I'm pretty certain everyone will have a blast.

Not too sure what I'm going to wear...

I'm going to build the outfit around a pair of ankle booties I got for Christmas. They're black suede, lace-ups with a 3-inch heel and a 1 1/2 inch platform. I really absolutely love them and the extra oomph they give my step!

Outfit wise, I'm thinking some sort of bodycon skirt-- maybe horizontal stripes (I know stripes are meant to be unflattering if you have any bit of body, but I've come to find that they look amazing on girls with hips!) in black and white, with some sort of oversized shirt. Or dark skinny denims, same sort of shirt, or a loose-fit button up. Either way, I know I'm going to throw my blazer over it. I don't want to be too done up (like last year), but I also want to feel beautiful. Trying to find a nice middle-ground for that isn't easy sometimes.

But yes, definitely wearing those shoes.

Finn goes back to school soon and my heart is not too happy about it. The worst parts of my year are when I have to say goodbye to him (or my older siblings and nephews for that matter). It's just hard loving someone so much and not knowing for certain the next time you'll see them. It doesn't really help that I had a terrible dream the other night about the end of the world where Finn doesn't make it.

I sort of just want to hog-tie him and throw him in the closet.

I'm going to leave you lovelies with something I'm super excited about: The Series 6 Trailer of Skins!
Not too long now before it starts airing, thank goodness. I feel as though I've been waiting forever for this bad boy and the trailer is the worst (and best) sort of tease.

The song featured in the trailer is "Rivers"- Kankouran
And I'm absolutely in love with it. Next to 'Safe and Sound' from the Hunger Games soundtrack, it's one of my most listened to, recently downloaded songs.
I'm obsessed.

Hope you're all doing well.

Cheers.