PCOS.

This has become my personal blog. When I first began writing here, I had intended to invite friends and family to share this with me, but as time progressed, I realized that I needed a place to just talk without judgement. My main blog has close to 1,000 subscribers and even though it's mine, I do, occasionally, get people who don't approve of my voice and it really brings down my overall blogging experience when that happens. I really appreciate having this blog to vent on, cry on, be stupidly giddy on, and ramble about makeup/hair/style on.

With that being said, this is an entry I wouldn't feel comfortable posting on my other blog. I know people will be able to find this entry based on keywords, but at least they'll have found it for the right reasons.

When I was freshmen in high school, I got really sick, repeatedly. I was having tremendously horrible pains in my stomach, mostly confined to my left side. At one point, I was in my kitchen making tea and I almost fainted due to the pain in my side. A few weeks after that, I had to be rushed to the ER for the same blinding pain-- only it had somehow intensified.

I found out that night that I have something called PCOS or Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome. And it's exactly what it sounds like-- I have cysts on my ovaries. This, actually, isn't all that special. Most women have cysts by or around their ovaries. But unlike most women, mine do not come and go without issue. Mine literally burst and cause pain; they can prevent periods, they cause cystic acne, weight retention, and seriously inhibit fertility.

This is the first time in a long time that I've had a serious problem with my PCOS. I've never missed a period before due to it, and now I'm about two weeks late with all of my normal period symptoms. Headache, breast tenderness, bloating, mood swings, even cramping, but my period is still a no-show. This isn't too uncommon for women with PCOS, but it's really freaking me out. I know I'm not pregnant, since I'm celibate and you know, sex is a catalyst to pregnancy.

I'm stressing about this, and I know that stressing only further prevents my period from starting, but I can't stop. I'm very uncomfortable. Mostly I hope my body corrects itself before I leave for Washington in 13 days. If not, I might go crazy.

Makeup & Music.

I figured since I just made a ridiculously heavy post, I'd do a quick rather light-hearted one as well.

As everyone knows, makeup has become a creative outlet for me. I don't do anything crazy, but I do enjoy blending the colors, seeing what works and what doesn't, and expressing myself through the way I paint my face. So, with the various giftcards I have and through the generosity of the people in my life, I've recently acquired three products I'm really excited about.

1. Blackberry, by MAC

2. Diva, by MAC

3. Naked 2 Palette, by Urban Decay

I've been looking for a nice purple eye shadow for sometime. My problem is, I don't like really bright colors on my eyes, they make me look really tired. And am generally partial to neutrals. When I found Blackberry, I was really excited and the color is gorgeous. I did a test run lid wash with it yesterday and it is just so subtle! It can be paired any which way I'd like it to be the range of eye shadows that I own, as I said, it works as a wash, and also to line my eyes with,

Diva was more of an impulse purchase. I've been looking for a new lip color for a while, and feel in love with how absolutely vampy it is. Not quite red, not quite plum, and the color is ridiculously deep. It's really beautiful. I don't know if it would be appropriate with most of the outfits I wear (I tend to wear a lot of black, and feel like dark hair, dark clothing, vampy lips would take me right back to being 13/14 again, lol), but I can definitely make it work for a night out. Maybe if I blot the color and put a lighter gloss over it, I could pull it out for day time. We shall see!

And of course, the Naked 2! This palette is geared more towards cooler skin types, where as the Naked palette is genuinely neutral and can be worn by both cool/warm skin tones without a problem. However, I'm neutrally skin-toned and don't have too much of an issue with cooler based colors, aside from my own personal taste (this also means, I can dye my hair blonde/brown/black/red, can wear silver and gold jewelry, I can wear any red lipstick -no matter its base color-, and basically wear any sort of color I want in my outfit, without it clashing with my skin tone).

I'm especially excited for Foxy, Chopper, Snakebite, and YDK, but I can't wait to wear them all!

Right now Urban Decay is running a free gift with purchase--
Sin eye shadow primers (their primer is the absolute best)
And All Nighter setting spray
You can get two of one, or one of each.

I'm currently listening to:
This season of the Voice,
Marina and the Diamonds,
Kimbra,
The Civil Wars,
And the Hunger Games soundtrack.

Safe and Sound.

I've been having a problem with the confidence I feel in my abilities. Not one ability, not one weak spot, but all of them. There were so many things I wanted to do, had done, planned to do, and then things went to shit and my confidence has really been shaken up. I haven't really talked about it much with anyone; I don't want to sound as if I'm whinging for attention or the validation of my talents and efforts. I just genuinely feel very lost as to where I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to get there. Last night I was feeling a bit vulnerable and in the middle of texting with a friend, I sort of verbally threw up every fear that I have.

I've just been stuck in a rut and you've been so proactive in taking charge of your destiny; I need a bit of your magic. Everything the last year has just worn me down so much, to the point where I no longer feel confident in my abilities anymore. And after losing everything and being homeless, I'm too worried about becoming comfortable anywhere. I don't really want to put roots down.

That reminds me of a conversation I had back before I moved, with a friend who had just gotten kicked out of his house. He told me about how it changes your definition of home from 'where you live' to 'anywhere the people that love you are.' So really, as long as you're with people you care about, you're home, no matter where you are. Seriously, with everything you've been through and done? If you put yourself out there, there's no way you can fail.

It was exactly what I needed to hear, but I still can't quite believe it... or in myself. After squatting in our house with barely any heat, living out of our suitcases, and sharing one mattress; after living in the car with another human being, two dogs, and my own intense dislike of sharing close quarters; after sleeping on a hotel floor, staying away all night because I was too afraid to fall into a deep sleep until the morning; laying on the countless floors of family and friends, not knowing where I'd be the next day or if I ever had a place that I considered base again... I just feel scared.

Having a roof over my head, bit by bit reclaiming my space and possessions and allowing myself to sleep deeply and calmly, being happy that even though we didn't get to keep our cats, I still have my dog and my brother's dog. I get to take a shower without worrying about who is waiting outside the door. I get to take a shower. Period. I'm so glad and thankful... I could cry, I do cry, I am crying, because I was so scared-- not just those last few months, but for almost two years about what I'd do when all was said and done.

My legs are shaking, trying to regain the ground that I lost.

I'm in a strange city. That I'm warming up to as time goes by, that I genuinely like, but that I don't care to get attached to, in case something else happens. I'm afraid of going back to school, because the profession I was so set on, doesn't make me particularly excited anymore. And that breaks my heart. As long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do is teach and now, I just don't know if I'd be able to be that normal or that settled anywhere. So... why should I go back to school? I want to, but I know I'd be, in essence, starting from scratch and that just leaves me feeling tired. Getting a job? I know I need one, but I just don't feel smart enough to get one now... which sounds ridiculous. My entire time in college, I was on the Dean's list, and was repeatedly praised for my theories and application of my knowledge and passion to various subjects-- I had teacher's complain that they could no longer teach me, when I'd finished their courses. But I just feel thick, too slow; I am molasses and I can't stop being molasses. Not because it's fun being this way, but because I'm afraid of what happens I get too confident, too comfortable, too set in a positive direction... what will happen when it goes wrong again and I feel like molasses again? I don't know if I could handle being this sorely sad and beaten down again, after being so fucking sure of everything.

All I hear is, 'why aren't you doing this? why aren't you doing this better? You should be happy, you should be relieved, you should be grateful.' And I am very relieved and beyond grateful for the bad things to be over... I'm happy in my own way, too. I'm trying to adjust...

But it isn't fast enough for anyone... I'm just doing wrong, because I haven't snapped out of my survival mode and into living mode, yet. Will I eat tonight? Will it be edible? Do I have the option to wash my face before bed, when I wake up, can I make tea, can I stretch out, can I? I'm supposed to continue taking care of my mother. I haven't stopped since I was sixteen and because I'm not always smiling, I'm made to feel bad, because she's too frail to take care of me too.

I am happy.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have an apartment.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have a roof over my head.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I am grateful for the things I have.
I am alive.
I am okay.

I don't have to cry anymore.
Okay?

Everything is going to be okay now. I am alive, I am grateful, I have a place to be.

I just need to snap out of this and everything will be better.

Hopefully visiting my sister and older brother next month (18 days) will help put things back into order. I think Being in Washington in the rain, in my favorite state, with two of my favorite people, will wake me up.

And to be clear: I love my mother, I would do anything in the world for her, and I don't mind taking care of her... I just need to know that I can take the time I need to put myself back together, sometimes.

Music, Life, Self-Care.

I am so in love with Juliet Simm's version of Roxanne. I wasn't sure how I felt about her auditioning for the Voice, since I've been a fan of hers for the last five or so years, and couldn't quite understand why she'd do it when she's had a lot of success on her own terms.
But after seeing her perform this song, I'm really glad she is on the show.
With that being said, I felt the same way when Charlotte Sometimes auditioned (for the same reasons) and am super sad she didn't make it through the last round.

My mom said she was sad that I had given up on singing professionally, before I even got started, but it's competition like this that sort of makes me shake in my boots. Maybe someday I'll pursue something musically, but right now I'm really content to appreciate the other voices the industry has to offer.

I just had to share this.

The other day I did write a blog detailing the last few months, but after thinking on it, I realized that to sort of get past the ridiculous things that have happened, I didn't need to rehash it for the entire world to see-- if they so decided to.

All that really matters is that things are better now and they're going to continue to get better.

I've had a great two days full of (sorely needed) self care.
Had a nice lunch with mom Friday.
Bought Anna Karenina.
Explored some shops.
And then Saturday, went to lunch with Leelee.
We went into town.
And stopped by a la minute for ice cream,
Which is anyone has been there before, knows the wait,
But also knows it is so worth it.

Today, I'm excited for Game of Thrones, taking Elfie for a walk, and getting some reading in.

1992/2012: Happy Birthday, Lil' Brother.

My little brother was born twenty years ago today and even though it took me far too long to realize it, he's been the best friend I could have ever asked for. Even when he's beyond frustrating, unnaturally quiet, keeping me in stitches with his sense of humor, or entertaining me with the undeniable depth of his mind, I love him for all he is and for all he will be.

I am so proud of him for everything he has accomplished, I am so excited to see the man he grows into, and there is no doubt he will do wonderful things in his lifetime.

He is everything; the yin to my yang, my other half, the other side to my penny.

Happy Birthday, Finny; I hope twenty is as exciting and as eye-opening for you, as it was for me.
I hope twenty is kind to you.

Love,
Your Bitchstick of a Sister.

Since I'm the Worst at Updating.

I've literally written and re-written my big blog entry what seems like a thousand times, but nothing comes out right. Until then, I think I'll just post this and hope it's enough blogging for the time being. Hope everyone is doing as well as I am.

1. Post a Photo of Yourself:

I look sort of out of it, but I was testing out the light in my new room, but it's one of the newest pictures I have of myself. Also, no makeup and ridiculous hair is my favorite state of being on rainy days. I used to really hate my cheeks, how chubby they are, but I love my high cheeks bones. And because of that dislike for my cheeks, I used to hate smiling... I'm very glad I'm past it all.

2: A Description of Your Self-Esteem:
Fairly high, just about every single day. I do have off days, since I'm only human, but I think the moment you decide for yourself that you're beautiful, you are. There's no question, there's no contest, you just are. And since my validation comes from myself, I'm rarely (if ever) intimidated by those around me and I never depend on anyone else's opinion of what I look like. It's that simple, even if it's one of the hardest things in the world to actually commit to. I never body-shame others, I hardly ever have negative thoughts about others bodies anymore, which is really liberating. It's a package deal and I love it.

3: Your Favorite Book:
Fantasy: American Gods
YA Fantasy: Harry Potter series/Hunger Games Trilogy
Fiction: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
Non-Fiction: Howard Zinn's A People's History of the United States

4.  Biggest Turn-Offs:
Cockiness/vanity/ridiculous amounts of pride, lack of passion for life, apathy, not liking books, country music, soft hands, not being able to laugh in general or at themselves.

5. Biggest Turn-Ons:
Passion, intelligence, height, rough hands, eloquence, life experience, sense of humor (caustic, sarcastic, self-deprecating), good with kids, books, good communication skills, etc.

6. Most Famous Person You've Ever Met:
My cousin?

7. What do You Want to be When You're Older:
I don't know anymore. The last year has wildly changed who I am in so many different ways. Right now, I just want to work, and eventually get back into school to figure that out. I'd love to teach still, but there's so much I want to do, I don't want to limit myself.

8. Relationships With Your Siblings:
Good, even though they have habits that annoy me to high hell... constantly. My older brother, sister, and I are actually all getting tattoos together. Either this May in Washington, or sometime this summer in Florida. I'm really looking forward to that, though we all wish our youngest brother was interested in doing with us. I really and truly love them all.

9. Relationship Status:
Single and not looking. I've met so many guys, that I'm just exhausted by it all. No one really tickles my fancy.

10. What I Did Yesterday:
Hung out with my younger brother and his friends, read aloud to my mom, and applied at a cute children's boutique in town.

11. What I Did Today:
Helped brother pack, napped, went through some boxes, had a Game of Thrones marathon and geeked out in my Dire Wolf t-shirt.

12: What I'm Doing Tomorrow:
Applying at a children's bookstore, various clothing boutiques and thrift stores, as a receptionist, etc. And possibly grabbing lunch with my cousin if she feels like driving out here for a visit.

13. Most Embarrassing Moment:
Dear lord... there are so many. I think the one that still mortifies me, is before auditioning in front of about 200 people, my boyfriend included,  someone tied my jacket to my chair and when I got up to audition, I tripped over it and the chair toppled over on me. When I finally got to the stage, I couldn't help but act like a little bitch, trying to play it off as if it hadn't bothered me. I lost out due to my indifference, and it was announced to everyone that if I hadn't acted that way afterwards, I would have gotten the part.
Mortifying.

14: Description of Who I Like:
Taller than I am, British accent to die for, brilliant, 40+ years my senior.
Played Snape in the Harry Potter movies.
Also, can do an amazing Russian accent, as he did in Die Hard.
....I wish I could have seen him in Seminar.
I fell for him when he played Colonel Brandon in Sense and Sensibility.
Oh, Alan Rickman, my one true love.

15. Biggest Insecurities:
I guess generally, that I'm not enough. This most likely stems from the fact that I have never not been cheated on, or some weird variation of that. This is also probably why I don't particularly care whether I'm single or not at the moment.

16: Something I Wish I Could Change About Myself
Hm... I wish that I was more financially stable. Not very exciting, I know, but this would make life so much easier.

17. I Will Love You If:
You're sincere and not completely self-important. It's pretty simple. I will also love you if you actively take part in anti-body/sex shaming policies.

18: Something You're Very Good At:
Singing, writing (when I'm inspired... not that you could tell if you've looked at all of my unfinished projects), taking care of others, being an auntie, forgiveness.

19: Something You've Very Bad At:
Time management, messing with ridiculously huge math equations, hanging up clothes.

20. What You Wish For At 11:11:
Nothing.

21. A Reason You've Lied to a Friend:
Um, to lose my virginity. She knows now, but at the time, she was less than pleased with me blowing her off for my then boyfriend.

22. Favorite Movie:
An Education, Amelie, Fight Club, Closer, Little Women (94), True Grit (10), The Hunger Games, Scream, other things.

23. Something That Has Made You Mad Recently:
I can't say that I've been truly mad lately, but I have been frustrated. I'm frustrated with the way people speak without regard for others, or the true meaning of the words they say. It frustrates me when people constantly say they'll do something, but never actually do it, and then blame everyone surrounding them for their own issues.

24. A Random Fact About Yourself:
I used to train in Karate?

25. What is Your Biggest Fear:
Losing who I am completely, forgetting where I've come from, what I've been through.
Losing my loved ones.