We're getting the family back together tomorrow night, to remember you. It won't feel right without you, but we know you'll be there in spirit as you have been the last two years.
Ronnie... I can't believe it. 14 hours later and I am still in shock. You have been by my side since I was 14, and I can't imagine what my life will look like now, without you. My brother, my best friend, my rock and solid foundation. You made my first mixed CD, babe-- Orgy, NIN, TOOL-- I can't listen to them without your smiling face popping into my head. Halloween, trick or treating, playing truth or dare, and your head resting in my lap while we watched scary movies. All of our late night talks over the years, and especially our scandalous behavior. Every talk, every hug, even our silly disagreements that lasted all of three seconds, will always be dear to my heart...
They don't make them like you. You are so genuine, so honest, so compassionate; if there were a light in this world, you were it... And now your star is shining in the sky for all to see. You are such a beautiful person, and I know how truly blessed I am to have known you and to have loved you-- how blessed I am to carry you with me in my heart, always.
God, my heart is breaking all over again. It keeps happening and I don't know how to stop it. I know you wouldn't us to be sad. You would say you were doing your job, that you did what you had to do, but no one was prepared for this. We knew the harsh reality, we've known for two years... but with every joke about your safety to allievate the tension, the reality became less and less severe. And more and more like you were on vacation, that you'd be back soon, and we'd finally rent Scarface-- just so you could watch it with me and tease me over it.
I know you'll love the fact that we're going to get the family together... I don't know what we'll do, aside from what we did tonight; laugh about high school, talk about your heart and smile and talk about how you give the best hugs this world has ever seen; I'll probably tell the story of how you went back for the gatorade, even while you were being fired at without any sort of cover, and I'll laugh again and then cry, because god, that is so like you.
You are my hero... You will always be that for me. Even when we were freshmen in high school, I looked up to you so deeply. And then you signed up for the Army and my respect grew... Talking to you every night, waiting for days to hear from you, praying each night that your missions went well, and then the absolute relief when I would finally hear from you again... You are so brave, baby. So brave. And I am so proud of you, to know you, to call you brother and best friend and keeper of my secrets.
I love you. And I wish I could put into words every feeling-- the shock, the disbelief, the devastation, the confusion, the love and admiration... But there aren't words enough, Ronnie. There will never be words to describe the type of person you are..
Your absence is settling into my bones. The certainity that you're gone... though my heart still leaps at the thought that there has been some sort of mistake, that it wasn't you; that you're safe and sound and protected from the harms that would befall you. It isn't real... and it won't be for sometime.
You will be forever remembered; forever missed; forever loved and celebrated.
I'm going to go to your flag today, the one on the way to the Ontario Mills.... I'm going to leave you the most beautiful flowers I can find, and then laugh at how silly it is... You'd hate the flowers and ask for a Dodgers cap instead; maybe, just maybe, you'll get one.
And your birthday... I'll be celebrating for you, babe. You were so close... I'll sing you a song and pray for you, and hope to god you can hear me. I'm getting my tattoo on your birthday, the claddagh I've been talking about for years. It's so relevant right now, and will forever remind me of you: Love, Loyalty and Friendship above all else, right honey?
I'm just not ready to say goodbye, honey... not even close.
Come visit my dreams.
In memory and in love, rest in peace Ronnie J Pallares.
10-28-90 * 10-23-10
Thank you for fighting. Thank you for giving your life, so we could continue to live ours. The bravest man I ever knew, and ever hope to know. The US Army lost an out-standing soldier, babe; but I lost my best friend.
It well may be, that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part; so much of me is made of what I've learned from you, you'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend.
Who can say if I've been changed for the better? I do believe I have been changed for the better and, because I knew you, because I knew you, because I knew you, I have been changed for good.
I love you, baby.
