Today was good... better than good, it was sort of great. I got to spend the afternoon with Brandon (Oh, Brandypants!) at Starbucks. And though we talk all the time, we never do anything just the two of us. So after weeks of talking about hanging out, doing something low-key, we finally sat down for three hours and just laughed. I don't know, I just really needed some guy friend time. I've been lacking that lately. Sitting there talking, we got to learn more about one another.... I'm going to his choir performance closer to Christmas, which I'm super excited about. And he wants to join the alumni choir our old instructor is letting us put together for the end of the year show! Which I'm SO very excited about.
And then after coffee with Mr. Lytle, I spent the rest of my night at Disney. It's nice being able to come and go as we please, knowing we'll be able to come back the next day if we really wanted to. There's no pressure to get everything done, to take our time wandering around the parks. I love it.
Lately I've been missing Spencer quite a bit. Not just the fact that we were almost something more than friends, but because I miss the friendship we had. I'm still not sure what caused him to run off the way he did, or why he'll sporadically show up for a second, to remind me that he's out there and for whatever reason, I'm not allowed to get to him. It's almost cruel.... though I'm sure that isn't his intention.
There's this song from Spring Awakening called "My Junk." And if anyone were my junk, it would be him, hands down. I don't know, I don't think I've ever been so compelled to call someone just to hear their voice. And god, do I miss his. Low and rough, slightly southern with an eclectic twang to it... Or his laugh, oh my gosh.
Basically I miss having someone who got me, the way he seemed to. Maybe he never really did, when you consider the fact that he could run away the moment we had our "grown up relationship talk." I know that if we had dated, it would have been hard. I had already done the long-distance disaster thing. But with him, things were just different-- easy, he felt like coming home after being gone for who knows how long.
Eh, I don't know, lolol.
No, I do know something;
I know that he's stupid (and I mean that in the nicest way possible, because hello, he's freakin' intelligent) for giving up on me, for whatever reason. He gave up on the chance to have something really wonderful with an exceptional person, I'm one of a kind and I know he could see, as he constantly commented on us and wanting me was just too painful.
Rejection is hard, especially when you have a strong and very obvious connection with someone. It isn't just the parts of you that you don't like that they're passing on; it's your sense of humor, my awesome british accent, it's the way I laugh and can make a whole room come to a stop with how bright I shine... It's my stretch marks and breasts and lips, my kisses and the way I'd hold them at night.
But in all honesty, if he didn't know what he wanted, if he wasn't aware of what he had when he had it, why would I want to be with him anyway? I'm one of a kind and if someone can't see that while they're with me, while they have the best parts of who I am and understand the bad and ugly parts too, why would I waste another second thinking about them?
Good riddance, who needs them.
But knowing all that, it doesn't stop me from missing him.
"You have to excuse me, I know it's so off; I love when you do stuff that's rude and so wrong!"
Oh. I'm thinking seriously about getting into some musical troupe or musicals. Something, anything to scratch this incrdible itch.
