When passion depends on hope.

I should definitely be asleep, but I'm running on the high of a good night and I've been dying to make this post for a while now... so I figure, what the hell, why not? Sure I have to be up at 6am, but if it's flowing, it's flowing, I can't stop it. Might as well write down all the things that have me so excited and write down my good news/good fortune/hopes somewhere tangible and not just in my heart and head.

As I've said in a previous entry, I've been toying with the idea of changing my major for about a year new. Very nearly, if not exactly. It isn't that I don't love kids, because I do. Most everyone who knows me knows I'm more than just good with them, I'm sort of great. I'm maternal, I'm caring, I'm compassionate, but I also know how to put my foot down when they get out of hand. And I would love to be around children all day, helping them reach their potential-- especially the children that society views as lesser because of mental/physical impediments. That desire and want hasn't changed and I don't think it ever will. But I also know that at the end of the day, a job like that, no matter how rewarding or good I'd be at it, would be emotionally taxing.

I was planning on making my final choice at the end of this semester, with the completion of one of the classes I'm enrolled in. But the first day in, my heart was set to change. All it took was sitting in that classroom, going over a familiar though slightly tweaked syllabus for me to know that in my heart, as much as I'd love it, I don't want to be a special education teacher anymore. That's not to say that I don't want to work with kids, because I do-- but not in that setting; surrounded by things that as a student myself, I'm not very fond of.

But of course, I decided that I would wait until May to officially declare my change in major, just to make sure.

That is until I was made aware that my college has brought back our study abroad program... and the choices for studying abroad are: Florence, Italy; or London, England. And now, honestly, both would be ideal. I want to visit both, without a doubt.

But studying abroad in Florence, the potnetial, the chance, has given me all the reason to believe that my change in heart concerning my major is right. And that the Universe is fully pushing me in that direction.

Why?

Because I've been considering changing my major to a double major, in History and Art History, focusing primarily on European History/Art History, and the Renaissance. And the birth place of the Renaissance, my favorite and most inspired time period?

Florence, Italy.
It seems too perfect to not be a sign. A push. The Universe guiding me gently to what it is I'm meant and should be doing.

That doesn't mean I don't want to teach. My ideal would be to do my double major, and then minor in education, all the while working in a hands-on/teaching museum, and working with students who come to the museum.

Honestly, it just feels too right to be wrong. To be a miscommunication. Here I am, considering this drastic change in life-time goals... and then this, this amazing and unheard of oppurtunity! It isn't something I can possibly or willingly pass up.

So...

I'm applying.

I'm applying to study abroad in Italy for two months this summer.

Can you believe it?

It's all I've been able to think of and I still can't believe the way my life has fallen into place the last few weeks. It seems too much like a fairytale for me to believe it.

Or humbly accept the possibility of living out a life-long dream of not only visting Italy, but living there for a time.

Unfortunately, the inital meeting is tomorrow afternoon, but I'll be out of town. So hopefully they'll allow me to pick up the papers after my class (an hour before the meeting actually starts). I'm keeping my fingers crossed. And if you're reading this, I ask you to do the same for me-- keep your fingers crossed, send positive vibes my way, etc.

This is the chance of a lifetime. And after the last three months I've had, with Ronnie passing, with my parents divorce, with friends leaving and whatever else, I need this. I just need this single, amazing thing to happen for me.

I want this.

More than I've ever wanted literally, anything in my entire life.

Nothing until this point has made me so excited or more eager to jump out of bed in the morning. Nothing has put so many butterflies in my stomach or made me smile so much at the potential.

If you've ever wanted to do something for me-- do this, just wish me unexplicible and unadulturated luck.

Oh baby, baby, it's a wild world.

Schedule:

Today: Homework, yoga-shopping, Happy Hour at TGIFs with Briana, Andria, and Josh.

Sunday: Finish homework, No Strings Attached with Krista; that night Oasis with Krista, Nicole, Sam, Megan and maybe, Kristin, Lindsay, and Ronny.

Monday: Campus from 7am-12pm; 7pm-820pm

Tuesday: Campuss from 930am-12pm

Wednesday: Campus 7am-12pm, definite nap, and then Daniel's show at the Wire, In-n-Out afterwards.

Thursday: Campus 930am-12pm; Lunch in Azusa, then Disneyland for the afternoon; that night, The Fox Theater in Redlands for Marc's show.

Friday: Either a date with Sean (yes... we'll see) or maybe Blue Valentine with Ronny, or maybe something else?

Saturday: Disneyland again for Mia's 5th birthday! My little niece-y is so big! I can't wait to see her and Damian, my babies! And of course, seeing Alyssa =)

Sunday: Recovery/Homework.

Too busy. But I'm looking forward to each moment.


My first week back at school ended Thursday afternoon, and all in all, I'd have to say that I'm pretty excited to see what this semester brings. Not only am I back in a classroom with one of my favorite professors, I'm treated to three new instructors who all seem interesting and a bit eccentric. Most of all, I'm looking forward to yoga. After one class, I could feel the difference in my breathing, my posture; this general over-all awareness of my body that I haven't had since show choir. Not only that, but I felt incredibly calm after one session.

The schedule I'm on during the week definitely isn't condusive to staying up all night on the weekends, which I'll have to learn the hard way apparently. I've been going to bed somewhere between 9:30pm and 11pm every night, and waking up between 5:30am and 7:30am every morning. Except, obviously. on the days I don't have school.

I already have homework... which you know, doesn't really surprise me. I was sort of hoping not to have homework the first week, but hey man, let's get on it. One class I have to finish the Codes of the Hammurabi, finish an article from the Atlantic, finish a map, and get my yoga supplies. Not exactly brain surgery, but a lot of reading and writing it all down.

Though my entire week has been pretty decent, aside from the fact that I was sick--which thankfully, I'm more or less over my cold again --the best part of my week was spending Thursday with Ronny.

Hands down, the best six hours I've had in a while.

We were supposed to the King's Speech the Monday night before classes started again, but I was sick... But since I felt better, we decided to catch a showing after he got home Thursday night.

When I got into the car, he immediately teased me about being ill and told me to sit in the back of the car. But of course, I didn't. We were supposed to meet Nolan at the movie theater, but he was literally a half hour late getting there. So, Ronny and I just sort of talked and hung out by the "arcade".

I hadn't seen him since my now infamous birthday and he took the time to remind me of the drunken hot mess I was. Which was lovely. I was basically bright red. And then when Nolan got there, they ran and hugged and were sloppy all over one another. Nolan and I gave each other crap, and then we went to our theather.

The movie... for lack of a better word was fucking incredible. Colin Firth deserves every nomination, every award, he deserves to knighted. My god, that performance was nothing but gold. And Helena Bohem Carter and Geoffery Rush were just as amazing in their own right. It was spectacular.

During the movie, we had a popcorn fight and the boys kept making fun of me for saying, "oh my god" repeatedly and squishing my bottle of water between my hands anxiously. We put our feet on the back of the seats in font of us and I realized just how short I am. They're both at least 6 foot. So, while my feet barely touch the back of the chairs, their feet hang over if they let them.

Afterwards, we stood outside talking for about an hour. Laughing, rough-housing, teasing one another; I got lots of hugs-- lots of creepy, three person hugs, with Ronny walking up to Nolan and me, whispering things like, "I really like you guys" and me trying to get away from the overly awkwardness of it all. But I honestly loved it. I haven't seen Nolan in a year or so, and it's been weird not seeing Ronny every week as I've become used to.

And I've definitely missed having testosterone in my life. Or as I called it the other day 'platonic penis'. Just guys I can hang out with, without it being awkward or sexually charged, or anything like that.

I love just being one of the guys when it suits me. And Thursday night, it definitely did.

When we left, Ronny and I went to the market to find dollar rental places. Finally, we found one that had The Social Network and The Kids Are All Right.

We sat in the car for a long time outside of my house, talking, listening to music, and singing. That's another thing I haven't done in a while. Just sit there with someone you care about and talk, really talk about important things and laugh about the stupid things. He read me some of his new lyrics and as always, I was impressed beyond belief. We sang to one another-- Brand New, Against Me!, and Taking Back Sunday just to name a few.

It felt good. Really good.

He offered to take me to see Blue Valentine today, but we didn't end up going. He wants to try for next weekend, but I'm super busy. Hopefully though we'll find time to go.

On a heavier note, tonight wasn't as good.

I'm feeling super stressed out about my money situation and I just couldn't handle it. Right now, we're basically living off nothing. Everything goes to the house payment, utilities, and groceries. I felt guilty for having to spend so much to take the yoga class I'm in, even going as far as almost dropping the class. The equipment is just so expensive.

And then the money stress turned into repressed stress, and everyone knows how that goes. One thing after the other and it just doesn't stop. It went from money, to being down on myself for not being smart enough, to not being good enough or pretty enough, or really, anything enough.

Mary really talked some sense into me. In my opinion, out of all the people I know, she is the most logical; the most realistic and mature-- though she has her moments like this, and when she does, I'm there to talk her down too.

First, she offered to help me pay for my yoga equipment. Which.. was just too generous and wonderful of her.

Me: I feel like a bad person.... Nothing is ever enough for me. I don't feel like I'll ever do anything in life. That I'm just this stupid girl and no one will ever take me seriously or love me or anything. That I'll never be good enough for anything or anyone.

Mary: That isn't even true and you know it. Everything takes time time and happens when it's supposed to.. try not to overstress yourself or worry, you're a good person and we all know that.

Me: I don't feel like that. Just stupid and useless and not good enough. I'm surrounded by these people who get everything they want, it's easy, it all comes easy. Their parents just give them everything and anything, and they don't know what struggle feels like. They don't even realize or appreciate what they're given or how lucky they are. And it just makes me so mad and bitter. I just don't even know.

Mary: I hate those people. This might seem mean, but if them around you depresses you, maybe you should rid them from your life or limit your time. And you're smart and an incredible writer. We all have our dumb moments (I am downright retarded at times) but they don't define us. Even if you don't believe it, you are smart; smarter than most people I know. You aren't a bad person and I love you.

She's right, on evey level and I'm so aware of that, that it makes me embarrassed to have freaked out so badly. But in the last three months, every sad or bad thought, has concerned someone else. I haven't thought about me. Not really at all, in any aspect. And the moment of weakness just gave through to all this negativity that at times, we all feel about ourselves.

I try to make it a habit to stay away from that zone. It's dangerous. And it's been a while since I've felt that down about who I am. In reality, I don't think I'm terrible. And I try my very best every day to live my life as the happy and gracious person I am (most of the time), but today I just couldn't.

It might also have to do with the fact that I was cranky. I slept too late today, and having woken up almost every morning the last week before the sun, it was disorientating to be up well after mid-afternoon.

And of course, this Sunday marks three months since Ronnie passed away.

I've been handling it better for the last month, I'd say. Keeping myself busy enough to where it isn't the first thing on my mind every day when I wake up.

But still, every night before bed, I grab my pendant and say, "I love you baby, goodnight." Like I have every night since October 23rd. Even when I've been in bed with other people, or sharing the same room with someone else, I still do it.

It hit me again the other day in class.

I haven't thought about his death in terms of... actual dying lately. I've sort of accepted the hard truth of it. But for some reason in the middle of lecture, it hit me all over again.

For a second I honestly couldn't breathe; the breath was knocked entirely out of me... I teared up a bit and tried my hardest to bite back the noise I could already feel building in my throat. You know that sound that sort of tears out of you when something terrible has happened and you can't believe it? So animalistic and scary that you honestly don't understand how it came from you? That's the sound.

I've become better at ignoring the pain in his loss, his absence, how hard it was in the beginning. And I thought I was dealing with it, but I haven't been. Ignoring it, isn't the same as accepting it or believing it or coming to terms with the truth.

As I laid in bed last night, I tried to remember our last conversation. It was stupid and inane and I was going on about something that doesn't even matter now. I told him I loved him, as always. And as always, he told me he loved me too. And then I told to stay safe. He told me he was trying his best. We did the I love yous again... and then his screen went grey.

There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss him. It's impossible not to miss him. But laying in bed, it hurt to realize once again, that we'll never have another conversation. That he's gone. And as morbid as it is to think, he's laying under grass and dirt, cold and not conscious.

I miss him to the moon and back, to the ends of the universe and home to my heart again. It's infinite and sad and every day I think of his smile or laugh or something distinctly Ronnie.

I can't believe it'll be three months on Sunday.

How have I survived these last 94 days? I don't have an answer. In the beginning, when it first happened, I didn't think it was possible. Some days, I still don't. But I know he's never too far away. I believe that as much as I believe in anything-- even if it's only because I have to.

Vanessa, his fiance, said something the other day like, "With every step I take into the future, I feel like I'm walking away from him." And I suppose for the most part, I have the same mentality. Moving forward means moving away from the years we spent together... but I know I have in my heart. That I'm taking him everywhere I go. I just miss his constant reassurance and strength; his overwhelming faith and trust in the way things are meant to work out.

Every day comes with some sort of struggle. But I know I'm strong enough to meet it head-on, and when I don't remember that, I have the most amazing support system to remind me-- and I have the most amazing guardians looking after me from beyond this life.

I'm strong enough.

And as all things do, this too shall pass.

Let It Ride.

Before I start this entry, I'd like to show all three of my readers (you guys are pretty amazing, by the way) why Krista and I are still friends after ten years. And why sitting through poli-sci without dying of hysterical laughter every morning is going to be so damn hard.

Me: She reminds me of Snooki, oh my goddddd.Krista: Haha, yeaaaaaah she does.
(we love inappropriately exaggerated letters, apparently.)Me: Godddddd, what is my life? Haha. And you know, my p-ssy is tight and wet all the time, bahahaha.(this why I shouldn't have a phone, and also why I shouldn't drink... ever.)
Krista: God you're hysterical. Sean texted me today too, haha!
Me: I need a life, or someone to have sex with. Either one works. Oh yeah? What did he say? Bahaha. Dick piercing, ohmygod, I can't even.Krista: He was just like, "I don't have Wardak for math =(" and I was like, awwww, who do you have? Haha, and then I was like, wanna fuck? And he like, sure, you like my pierced dick. And I was like, fuuuuccckkkk yeaaaaah, haha, jk!
Me: Ohmygod, don't even play! That shit totally happened! Krista: No it didn't! The first part did, but not the last. I would fuck him too, haha.
Me: You should just ask him to fuck you, dude.Krista: Oh yeah, haha, you're funny.
Me: You know he would.Krista: Oh, I know, haha. I'm trying to get a man, not just fuck, but I would, haha.
Me: What about your new year's resolution?Krista: Oh yeaaaaaah. I forgot, haha. Mother-F! I'm gonna have to fuck him!
Me: Um, yes.
I'm very obviously a bad influence; but hey! I need to live vicariously through someone if I'm not having sex. It might as well be Krista. But yeah. Almost every conversation is like that, or we're laughing too hard to actually form intelligble sentences.

In other news, first day of spring semester is under my belt. Looking forward to tomorrow; not the waking up at 4:45am part, or not being 100% sure where the HS building is now located, but I love getting into the swing of things those first few weeks of school, it really is one of my favorite parts of being a student.

Seriously considering changing my major, though I have been for about a year. At the end of this semester, I feel like I'll have a more concrete desire to either stay with education or go ahead with this new major. And if I do change my major, it will push me quite heavily in the direction of San Fransico...

There is literally one thing keeping me here and it's my mother (well, her and the whole needing money thing!). Otherwise, I feel no ties to this place. I grew up here, I've spent 21 years of my life in the same town, same street, same house; with the same people I've known practically my entire life. I can name maybe six or so friends I haven't had for five+ years. That's saying something.

Of course I love them all, but we all grow up and move on eventually. Even if it isn't necessarily in the same ways.

A lot of my friends are getting married/engaged, and that's great. But there is nowhere in my immediate future, nor do I want it to be. I have the rest of my life to settle with someone else; right now I'm focused on me, my education, and my career. If someone were to come along and make me re-think my plans, I'd re-think them. But as of right now, there is no significant other holding me down; I'm not even really casually seeing anyone at the moment. Things with Sean aren't going to go anywhere; it's nice to pretend otherwise, it's nice that he goes out of his way for me, but it just isn't there. And it isn't going to change.

Even my closest relatives are thinking of moving out of state.

I don't know. I just feel like this is something I have to do for myself and see-through, or I won't be happy. I can't forsee starting a job where handing in my two-weeks notice is unacceptable. I doubt I'll have any life-changing gigs from now til then, it's possible, but until the situation actual occurs? I'm as a free as anything.

I hate this town, it's so washed up. And all my friends don't give a fuck.

As I write this, I'm also fairly annoyed.

Sincerely, incredibly, deeply and truly, I am so sick of the petty, passive aggressive sort of fighting girls do. I've been sick and apparently that isn't acceptable. Sometimes I have to put myself first so, I don't know, don't end up in the hospital.

Sometimes the expectations people set upon you, without your knowledge, are just as damning as an actual all-out fight. Bottom-line, I'm not going to risk my health to go out and spend money I don't have. Especially not right before my first week of classes, because I can't miss them-- and not when I feel like utter shit. People need to understand that. I know my body, I know its limitations; I'm well aware of what I'm capable and not capable of doing.

Just, annoyed.

I've stopped expecting things of people, so I'm constantly surprised-- or annoyed, I guess --by the happenings that go on around me. It's not a bad way to do things, except for the fact that I still expect people to respect me. Which a lot of the time, they don't.

I've learned that in abudance the last few months. People will leave you the moment you show weakness, or need to be selfish, because it doesn't suit them. If that's the case, I'm glad they've walked away.

But since Ronnie's passing, I've become more and more accutely aware that I need to do things for myself; put me first and do best by me, instead of trying to please everyone, every second of every single day. Because the moment you need them, they won't be there.

I've learned that I need to put myself first, but still do as well as I can by the people in my life and do it all with love in my heart.

The love doesn't diminish, even when the people themselves turn out to be no better than strangers. And sometimes, even strangers are more understanding.

And now I'm rambling. Sorry, blog-universe.

I was talking to my mom a few minutes ago, and she reminded me of Desiderata. For those of you who have never read it/heard of it, it's a poem by Max Ehrmann. And as someone who doesn't idenity with any set school of religious thought or subscribe to a religious doctrine, this is about as close to one as I'll get.

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

It keeps me centered.

Anyway, I have to get some sleep before waking up stupidly early.

Hope everyone is having a good week so far. =)

I'm a war of Head vs. Heart

As most of the people in my life know, I absolutely hate living in Southern California; especially in my town where nothing happens and every person you meet is the same exact carbon copy of the someone next to them. Well, that's not exactly true, but for as much "diversity" we have here, there's very little individualism. A lot of the people here are catty, are exceptionally entitled, and all want to do the same things. But really, we can only have so many hairstylists in the world, let alone Southern California-- at this point I doubt I'd be impressed if you could reverse a hair cut, make it healthy and shiny, while restoring my natural hair color without any permanent damage.

I know that sounds rude, but it's true. There's literally one person in the field I respect and it isn't because I've known her my whole life, but because for as long as I can remember, she's wanted to make people beautiful. When we were little, playing with barbies; when we were old enough for her to experiment on me without our parets gettng mad; and now that we're adults she works in a salon and can strip and then bleach someone's hair in a single afternoon, without burning a scalp or killing the hair completely. She hasn't flip-flopped on her dream, her love, her passion--and everything in life, she's been true to herself. God, I wish there were more people like Brenda in the world... I wish I were more like her too.

Between the two of us, she's always been the one to remain flawlessly true to herself. Stead-fast in her convictions, confident in her abilities, without making a single enemy (seriously, there isn't a single person who has ever disliked her). Me, on the other hand, I've always been the definition of devine chaos, always with good intentions, always a little wild, always somewhat unsure, but determined none-the-less.

Even now as an adult, when I'd like to think that I have myself figured out as best as I can, I realize I'm wrong.

Like I said before my tangent, I dislike living where I live. I'm not sure if it's Southern California, or if it's me, or a combonation of the two, but we just weren't made for each other. With another semester approaching, I'm again heavily considering what I'll do when I'm eligible for transfer.

I literally loathe the idea of staying here, but I've considered Fullerton; UCLA, and UCSD.

At one point, I had my heart set on Sarah Lawrence in NYE, it's a pretty progressive Liberal Arts school and I was in love. But the school is very small and very selective, so even though I have the grades and the passion, I don't know if I could make it. Especially since the rate of transfers and finacial aid is so very limited. Plus, it's so incredibly far away from my family. Though I'd be much closer to my brother and nephews.

I've always seriously considered Seattle State and the University of Oregon in Eugene. They're not here, which is nice and they aren't too far away. Oregon is about 18 by car, while Seattle is a full 24 hours. And by plane they aren't much of anything, 2.5 hours.

Now, however, I'm starting to give San Fransico/San Jose some consideration. Techinically it would be Northern California.... and I would only be six or so hours away by car/train, which would be nice.

And not to sound weird, but I've been feeling a pull of sorts towards San Fransico. I'm not one to believe in a higher power working through me, but I do believe in gut instincts. And my gut says go, get away from here. But of course I'm unsure.

It's hard to want the world, but never really understanding how you work in it-- or if what you feel is what's real. I could very well be deluding myself with the idea, because I'm so sick of this place.

And of course, schooling and transfer isn't the only area of my life where I'm completely unsure.

Two months or so ago, I met this really nice guy named Sean.

He's six years older than I am, almost seven. He's going to Med School; nice, cute, is attentive, single, funny. He wants to take me on a real-live date, and I'm not sure. Not because he isn't a good guy, but because I'm innately unsure of what it is I want right now.

At 21, do I honestly want to be with someone? Especially someone so wrapped up in their education that they've flat out said that school comes first, even before me. I don't necessarily need to be someone's number one priority, but Med school is so demanding. While he's on campus, we don't talk at all; and he only ever considers going out on the weekends.

I wonder if that's what I want or really need at this age. Especially since if we were to date one another, I could see it becoming serious.

We've already discussed the possible potential of any relationship we might have, and it becoming long distance in the immediate future/eventual future. He's transferring schools, he just put in his applications and while he's applied here, he's applied out of state. And of course, I'm more or less set on moving once I can transfer...

And again, I don't know if I want another LDR. With Ron, it was immediate and inevitable. With Spencer... well, everyone can see how those both turned out. No explaination.

There are other things I won't get into here.

But a part of me is looking for more spark, I guess? I feel it. Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't even entertain the idea. Especially when he talks about how he doesn't want to sleep without me next to him, and then says he doesn't want to go another night without me there, when I say he's done it for the last 27 years without any problems. But still, I feel like something is missing.

It feels like what's missing is a big something missing, though I can't exactly pin-point it.

He wants it, he's all about it.

I'm so unsure it's ridiculous. I can't remember the last time I was this confused by a single person/situation. Usually I have this undeniable surity, that this whole thing just lacks.

Lindsay said that it's enough, the uncertainity, that I'm not feeling it for a reason. And not feeling it is enough reason not to pursue it. But then when I think of all the other times I've been sure of someone, they haven't gone to anywhere but disappointment.

Maybe I'm creating issues because I'm scared, or not ready, or wanting something else entirely. I think I already know, but then again, I'm just a jumble of not-knowingness.

School will be a blessing when it starts again Tuesday. I cannot wait for the absolute exhaustion that classes bring with them; the massive amounts of work; and everything in between.

I need a good swift kick of reality.

I'm looking forward to Monday, going to Sam's and watching the US version of Skins with Sam, Megan, Nicole, and Ronny. And not thinking about any of this.

Excuse me, I'm sorry, I'm really such a lady.

First kiss of 2011, Check.
Getting stupidly drunk, Check; twice.

Let me start off this entry by saying today at 3:00pm, I was pretty much over my hangover. A hangover that concluded drinkng Saturday afternoon, to very early Monday morning. My birthday is a blur somewhere between those two days.

I have never had that much to drink in my life, let alone a single weekend. But if you want to talk about starting 21 off the right way, I'm pretty sure I accomplished that.

Saturday, I went to lucnh with my family. I had a wonderful Lemon Drop and Rasberry Martini, and about half a Mai-Tai. That right there is enough to get my skin flushed and my motor skills a little wonky. A few hours later, I was playing beer pong for the first time at my friend's 23rd birthday. Twice. In quick succession and lost both times, lol.

I'm not a beer drinker. I'm not a drinker in general. I showed up at Randy's at 9pm, and I was pretty much drunk by 10:30.

And at midnight, everyone was shoving drinks in my hands, as it was officially my birthday.

That night, I'm pretty sure I consumed three or four miller lights, flower beer (have no idea what it was, but it digusting and tasted like roses?), a rum and coke, cranberry and vodka, some malibu and pineapple thing, coffee, and water. I honestly tried to temper the drinking with water, but eventually it just didn't matter anymore.

I remember snippets of the night: the lapdances, the beer pong, spending quality time with Alyssa and Mike and Kylie; Greg and Sam trying to see my chest and of course, my first kiss of the new year. It was from some random guy I'd never met... he was a good kisser though. And I had basically been attracted to him from the moment I got to Randy's, so it wasn't just being increidbly intoxicated. Of course, if I hadn't been, the kiss never would have happened.

All in all, I had a pretty awesome night. As far as I can remember.

Sunday was my day. I spent the first half with my mom, and then I spent it with my friends.

My frends and I did a dinner at a local restaurant, that also brews its own beers.

I have to say how impressed I was by all the people who came to celebrate with me-- there was no fighting, even though within the group there was past issues and dislikes (a lot of that, actually), some people were meeting for the first time, and our party was so big, that we had to be seated at two different tables. But everyone was loud and silly and generally having a great time.

Of course I was overwhelmed with love and appreciation for the people in my life. Sarah and Ronny were there, and they've been a part of my story since I was five. Brenda and Alyssa, my family. My brothers and sisters through words alone. The people who have recently come back into my life through trial, though we never stopped loving each other. And those who have never once left my side.

And when Brandon walked through the door and hugged me, I was just so happy. I remember seeing him approach through the glass door and thinking, "Brandon Lytle said he had work... what's he doing here?" He even wore a button down for the occasion. He's been having a hard time lately and for the last two weeks, I had been trying to convince him to come out-- he obviously needed it and I'm selfish. But as soon as he got there, he wrapped his arms around me and said, "Happy birthday, Molly; I'm already glad I'm out of the house."

The random assortment of friends I have, their dynamic personalities and senses of humor, the night wouldn't have been the same without them all. And honestly, every single person who came to dinner has shaped me in some way, big or small, and I am so thankful to have had such amazing teachers in life.

I'd have to say that I was pretty spoiled by everyone. Lots of hugs, lots of kisses, lots of love, and a ton of laughter, even presents which blew my mind. I got a crown, ballooons, and a little light up ring. It was all very sweet and thoughtful.

After dinner, some of us went back to Sean's house and drank.

The night is coming back in bits and pieces, I've been told by a few people what happened, and I woke up the next morning with a very vague understanding of the night's events. I do, however, have a phone full of gibberish text messages... and oh god, I'm so glad Sam took my phone from me.

Most of what happened, I'm not proud of. But I know that I've given the warning that when I drink I become fairly sexually aggressive. And if I wasn't enough of an open book already... well, fuck.

I'm trying very hard not to think of all I said and did, but yeah... not working.

I don't know. I'm not embarrassed, really. It happens. I'll learn as I go along-- my limit, how to keep my mouth shut, and how not to fall over. At least I didn't puke, right?

Never in a million years did I think I'd get so drunk, or that I would literally be hung over for days at a time. But I'm glad I got to experience it, and know that I'll probably do it again-- just not for a few weeks.

Of course, celebrating my birthday the way I did, has made me think about what I want for my upcoming year.

I want to kick ass in school, maintain and balance and allow friendships to flourish, all the normal stuff, I suppose; but also... you're only young once

When I'm an old woman, I'd like to look back on my life and know that I lived. Not regret all the chances I never took. I want to do the things I want while I'm young and have the chance, even if they're not morally sound or whatever.

I'm not explaining this right.

But I know what I'm saying.

Do you?

Ten to one.

Ten Secrets:(this is hard, since I don't think I have very many.)

10: For a while in my early teens (that sounds weird, doesn't it?) I would make myself throw up after eating. Didn't last long because I sing, and stomach acid doesn't benefit vocal chords. Plus... it's just disgusting.

9: Even though I no longer self-harm, and haven't since I was 16, sometimes when things get especially hard, I'm tempted to. What people don't understand is that self-mutilation is an addiction like any other-- the reasn it's done is to make you feel better, it releases endorphines. And though it doesn't last long, our brain craves that response and release. So yeah. I don't do it, sometimes I wish I did.

8: Usually, when I meet new guys (generally), I'll immediately check out their equipment. I try to act non-chalant, but it's totally happening.

7: I'm literally always writing in my head.

6: If I could change one thing about my body, it would be my arms.

5: If my nails aren't painted, it probably means there is something wrong. It isn't because I'm lazy or don't have time. Trust me, in a good mood, my nails are painted-- maybe they're chipped, but they have some sort of decoration on them.

4: I've always wanted to have some torrid love affair. And when I say love affair, I don't just mean having sex-- I mean love affair with someone in a relationship. It's terrible, but true.

3: At the end of that love affair though, I want to be the one they pick-- the one they can't live without.

2: I want someone to write a song for/about me. And the one Josh wrote about me in 9th grade doesn't count.

1: As open as I am, I could never really write my deepest secrets on here. So, those are mine-- you can have these.

Nine Loves:

9: The rain! Everything about it; the way it sounds on the pavement and roof-top, the way it smells; dancing in it, jumping in puddles, driving in it with the heater and music turned up, and of course singing it haha. Just, love it.

8: Girl Night. Whether it's sitting on the couch watcing movies, sitting in the car past midnght talking and laughing, or dinner, I love spending time with my girl friends. All of them.

7: Kissing. And when I say kissing, I don't mean randomly hooking up with someone, one time. But the way you kiss someone you feel something for. And the way that each kiss is new and exciting, exhilirating, but familiar and comforting. How you coud kiss as many people as you can imagine, and not two o those experiences, kisses, or people would be the same.

6: Falling asleep next to someone. I hadn't realized until last year how wonderful that is. Of course, it means I don't get much sleep, but I love the feeling of another body next to mine. Waking up sporadically to the warmth of another person, the random kisses or words of endearment. Yeah, it's sort of stupid, but I am now a fan.

5: Heart to heart with my guy friends. They're the absolute best. I love knowing that aside from my blood-brothers, I have a group of guys who will talk sense into me, will always offer me the perspective of a male, and are usually brutually honest. But at the same time, they do their best to protect me no matter the situation, even if it means protecting me from myself/my heart. Oh, and beatig up jerks =)

4: Singing. There's nothing else like it. Sometimes, when you do it right.. when you do it with your whole heart, when you'v tapped into your passion and hurt and confidence, it feels like being born again.

3: Rollercoasters/Thrill Rides. The loss of control is wonderful. I love letting go and being seduced really, by the movement, feel, and chaos.

2: Being an aunt. Literally one of the best and most fullfilling things I've ever experienced in my life. To me, there is nothing more precious than those little boys who call me auntie Molly or as baby Tony says it, "aunniemoery." The I love yous, the kisses, the wonderful cuddles! How excited they always are, the perpetual smiles on their faces. Nothing is better. Nothing that I've come to know anyway.

1: Writing. No explanation needed.

Eight Fears:

8: Being forgotten.

7: Dying alone.

6: Being shot.

5: Gravelly disappointing myself.

4: Being homeless.

3: Finding out that I absolutely cannot conceive.

2: Never falling in love with someone who loves me, wildly.

1: Being completely inadequate.

Seven Wants:

7: To publish a book. A good book, with decent press.

6: To participate in a production of Wicked, Rent, or Spring Awakening.

5: To travel extensively.

4: Fall in love; wild, mad, passionate, senseless love. And have it be requited, please.

3: Have children someday. Whether naturally or by adoption.

2: Move out of Southern California eventually.

1: Live as much life as possible before marriage/family/steadyallimportantteachingjob

Six Places I Want To Go:

6: Ireland

5: Paris

4: New York

3: Rome

2: Hawaii (though I've been there.... five or six times.) All of the islands =)

1: Canada (which seems really random...)

Five Foods:

5: Just about any type of pasta, lol.

4: Spicy Tuna rolls

3: Grilled salmon is my absolute favorite.

2: General seafood, I suppose?

1: Latkes, ha.

Four Books:

4: American Gods, by Neil Gaiman

3: Fight Club, by Chuck Palaniuk

2: Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close, by Jonathan Safran Foer

1: High Fidelity, by Nick Hornby (music lovers of all types should read this book, honestly)

Three Films:

3: An Education

2: Closer

1:  Jerry McGuire

Two Songs:

2:  "Wait So Long"-Trampled by Turtles

1: "When 3's A Crowd" -A Day To Remember

One Picture of Yourself:

Thank you for this episode.

2011, things I've accomplished five days in:-Downloaded three hours of music in five days, which actually isn't all that much.
-I've read two of the 50 "new to me" books I plan to read this year. I started on the third last night, and maybe, just maybe, I'll surpass the 50 mark for the first time in years.
    -Beaches
    -Clockwork Angel
-Managed to catch a cold? Harharhar
-Domlished half a box of tissues.
-Downed a bag and a half of cough drops.
-Organized my birthday with very little help. But thanks to those who did! Like Krista who called the restaurant when I couldn't speak, to make reservations.
-Memorized the words to most of the newly added songs in my iTunes library.

Not as productive as I intially imagined. But hey, I'm still on Winter Break, for another 13 days. I'm allowed to be sick and gross and busy reading.

2011, things I'd like to have accomplished by the 18th:-Kick this freakin' cold! (though fingers crossed for like, tomorrow!)
-Have another 2-3 books finished.
-Get my "back-to-classes-I-actually-need-to-buy-stuff" shopping done.
-Regulate my sleep schedule,since M-TH, I have classes at 8am/930am every morning. My goal looks like
       -Bed by 10pm/11pm every night, and up by 5:30am on M/W, 6:30am T/TH.
-Completely shit-faced drunk, as it will be my right as a newly turned 21 year old.
-First kiss of 2011, though I envision this going a  few ways:
       -The kiss Sean keeps promising me
       -Me being semi-intoxicated at my birthday, finding nearest guy and assaulting him
       -Random man while I'm shit-faced drunk
       -Who knws?
-Buy one new pair of jeans/jeggings before the semester starts.
-Buy new socks, man! I can never find any good ones, just my brother's old, cast-offs that he didn't want at college. So, fuzzies/short ankled/festive/distinctly Molly socks.

Semi-more productive than what I've accomplished so far.

2011, what I've learned five days in:-My tolerence for certain people just isn't what it used to be.
-I really, really, REALLY hate wine. But of course, I still drink it. Even if I'm literally choking it down.
-When I'm sick, I can hit really low, sort of sultry notes, but cannot reach anywhere near my normal range.
-My nose ring does not like sinus colds. First one with the little piercing.
-That most guys, despite what they think, wouldn't be able to handle me. Not just because I'm super kinky or anything like that (which you know, is a blog for another time, maybe), but because of the person I am.
-I don't tend to be myself with guys, unless they're Pookie, Lunchbox, Brandon Lytle, Oh Coco/Rocky, Ronny W; only because we do group things/are like family, and they see a side of me that's basically uncontrollably stupid and outrageous 24/7.
-Men are fond of me because I represent the sins they'll never be allowed to commit. (Yeah, Oscar Wilde right there.)
-Misfits is literally one of the funniest shows on earth.
-There are auditions being help for Chicago (which I may or may not audition for, it's been a few years since I've done anything like that).

Like I said last night, so far, so good.

Four days until my 21st and I'm officially ID-less, which sucks. But the birthdate was wrong on my ID, so I had to surrender it and fix it. Currently do not have my passport and won't until after my birthday. I'm going to try and get a temp, but that may not work for drinking on my birthday. If not, people will just have to buy drinks for me ;)

I'm super excited.
I had made a collage of my birthday outfit, but for some reason the uploader isn't being very friendly, so unfortunately, I can't share it with you. But it'll look something like this:

Top:
-Charcoal grey top, the neckline starts as if it were going to "scoop," but actually ends in a V. The sleeves are a little shorter than 3/4.

Skirt:
-Classic black pencil skirt, minute detail. Reaches to about my knees, depending on how I stand/if I'm sitting.

Stockings/Leggings:
-Lace garter belt set, with wide set fishnets.

Shoes:
-5" red suede pumps, peep-toe, with inch and a half platform under my toes. So yeah, I am super tall in these bad boys.

Accessories:-My Ronnie pendant of course, I never take it off.
-Waist belt/cincher, either in black or red, I'm not sure which one I want most.
-Vintage mood ring.

And I may or may not wear my favorite blazer. If it's cold, I might throw that on over it, or my pea-coat, we shall see.

Hair and make-up will be done in the pin-up/Rockabily fashion, since that's the over look I'm going for.

Like I said, I'm super excited and cannot wait to celebrate with 30 of my closest friends, lol.

Hopeful Musings/Guys Are Idiots

I've neglected my blog since the 31st! How could I? Well, a few reasons really; my keyboard broke, so I was using one that was plugged into my USB drive, hence the eight thousand spelling mistakes in the last entry; I sprainged my pinky and it's hurting like a mother fucker, constantly; my uncle fixed my keyboard, and was in possession of my laptop for three days.

But I'm back.

And my new year so far, has been spent being a sick little person. I'm downing cough drops like they're candy, drinking copious amounts of tea, and am sleeping at the weirdest hours due to coughing and being plain exhausted. In case you were wondering; yes, my birthday is in five days. Which means I'm trying very hard to kick this cold in the ass so I can be healthy and completely stupid at dinner.

But other than being sick, I feel as though I started the new year off right.

I went to dinner with Krista and Anna, which basically meant I spent three hours laughing so hard, I almost fell out of my chair every few seconds. Originally, I had planned on staying in with my mom and watching movies, but she encouraged to me go out, even for a little while. But yeah, we went to dinner and had a great time. We kept saying how terrible it's going to be, having a class together, because we honestly will just be laughing the entire class block-- not to mention that the class starts at 8am. So, ontop of being our ridiculous selves, we'll be delirious from lack of sleep. It sounds wonderful! It really does.

On the drive home, we got onto the subject of guys and sex, which was oh so much different from dinner. Not. But we got into how Anna has morals and standards, which are something Krista and I just don't have. Which isn't exactly true, but it was hilarious. I'm not sure why it was so funny, but I suppose that's just how Krista and I get when we're together. We don't stop laughing and I love that about our friendship.

We dropped Anna off at 11:45, and then Krista and I rang in the new year, in her car, all nostalgic. Sometimes I forget just how far back we go, but then we talk about choir and CBC and I remember that she's been by my side longer than most people.
After our talk and laughter and ridiculousness, I came in and had a glass of wine with my mother. We toasted to my grandmother, to Ronnie, to a better yea; 2011, please be good to us. Later that night, morning, Jon and I watched Road Trip together.

All in all, NYE was pretty flawless. It was definitely the best I've had since I was 15 and I sincerely hope that it speak well for the next year. I'm not asking for flawless or perfect or even good, I'm just hoping for managable and healing, with laughter, love and incredible memories. That might be too much, but a girl can hope and work her hardest to make it a year worth remembering for the better days.

I got to end the year dancing in my pjs with four of my closest friends; we sweated and laughed and jumped around, we danced to Michael Jackson, did the Charleston, and ended it all with some Beyonce. We ate too much pizza, drank too much water, and watchd Skins.

We made our own Skittles vodka, I tried tequila for the first time and didn't hate it (didn't love it either), but I was pretty much gone after the second shot. We learned so much about each other, we laughed and had heart to hearts; we danced some more, we recorded stupid videos that make me laugh so hard, I cry; and there may or may not have been stripping involved. I drunk texted my friend Josh that night, but luckily he didn't take advantage of the situation, though apparently he was tempted.

I feel good times ahead. A lot of healing and a lot of good for all of us who have been suffering-- as long as we are open and ready for it; otherwise, we'll all be stuck where we have been. And I don't know about anyone else, but I am so sick of sadness.

I am ready to laugh and scream and dance and sing loudly; I am ready to love and remember and hope so fiercly, my heart could burst out of my chest.

There are so many things I want for this year, but primarily to heal and ciiche as it sounds, fall in love. Not the manufacturd, everyone's doing it, sort of love. Truly, I feel like I'm ready.

And let's face it, I'm tired of playing with boys who have confused themselves for men.

I'm not going to chase it, or wish for it, I'm going to let it happen naturally, without too much poking and prodding and impatience. We'll see how it goes, this laissez-faire love experiment.

But I know how it won't go.

I have this 'friend' that I met when I was in 8th grade, so I was 13/14 years old. It was a complete accident.

A friend and I were at a local park and heard music coming from someone's backyard, the gate was open and people were walking in and out freely, without anyone stopping them. They were obviously older than we were, but we didn't really care.

We walked into the stranger's yard and hung around for awhile. We were noticed, introduced, they offered us cigarettes, beer, asked if we liked the music. One guy in particular seemed to take a liking to us. We exchanged numbers and hung out on occasion.

He would hit on me all the time, but I wasn't interested.

As I got older and started dating, he wold text every few months to see if I was with anyone. And usually, even if I wasn't, I would say yes just to get him to leave me alone. And without fail, it worked every time.

Tonight, I got an AIM from him, but since his internet kept going in and out, he just decided to text. I only talked to him because I was under the impression that he was with someone. Apparently I was wrong.

"Single?""I'm actually talking to someone right now. You?"
"I just got out of a relationship almost a month ago.""That sucks."
"Yeah, so.... Okay, do you ever talk to two guys at the same time?""Lol, no."
"Oh, damn.""Why do you ask?"
"Well, cuz I've always been into you and would like to start talking to you. See if we could have something."
I told him I was flattered because I literally cannot be mean to someone when they tell me they have feelings for me, even though his feelings are about shallow as possible. We haven't seen each other in years, he hasn't texted me asking if I single, in close to two. So, yeah. No.

He asked if things didn't work out with who I'm talking to, if maybe I'd give a chance. I told him I didn't really know him anymore, and that things are going really well with who I'm talking to, so I couldn't say.

Eventually he said this:
"Have you changed? Appearance-wise? Or are you as sexy as I remember?"
When I told him I definitely wasn't sexy, he said; "I'm sure you look hot. I was checking out your pic on AIM; cute face, nice big boobs. You looked pretty sexy."
After that, I stopped talking. He kept texting, but I stopped looking at my phone. I'm not sure why some guys think that's attractive? Did your momma drop you on your head as a child? That is not the way to talk to someone you haven't seen or spoken to in years. And nice big boobs? Yeah, I know-- they're mine. You really don't have to tell me. It's just so off-putting.

Is that the way you get them panties wet, boy? Because it isn't going to work on mine.

If we were close enough for him to talk to me like that, this wouldn't be an issue. I mean, my friend Josh who I mentioned earlier, I've known for almost three years and we're constantly teasing one another about sex and our bodies-- I know he wants to see my tits, he knows I'd have no objection in sleeping with him. But we still respect each other.

Respect is where it's at, buddy. Please, go get some.

That is exactly what I don't want.

In the right setting, complimenting my body is awesome-- go for it. I encourage you to worship my curves, but for the love of god, don't do it like a five year old, drooling at the prospect of a shiny new toy.

That's a peeve of mine. I'm not an object, and I'm definitely more than my breasts. Thank you very much.

Anyway.

I had a dream about Ronnie, but I don't want to shame it by tacking it onto the end of that rant. So in a day or two, I'll regal everyone with it. But let me just say, that even though it brings tears to my eyes, it brings comfort and solace to my heart.