The semester is finally over and really, I've never been happier knowing I have a month of unadulterated time off from school. But at the same time, I'm thoroughly disappointed in how this semester turned out. Like I said before, I accept it, I did my best with what was happening in my personal life and I'll move on, after having learned from it. But still, I'm disappointed.
Looking back a year ago, I was turning out As like they were nothing. There was no effort, I was on top of my academic game, at the expense of my social life... And I'm starting to think that the coming semester I should approach it in a similar fashion. Put my schooling first, my emotional state second, and let everything fall else into place. Though really, let's face it, things rarely ever 'fall into place' the way you expect them to. I don't really know, but we'll see.
Honestly, I haven't retained much from my classes since Ronnie passed.... I don't think I've retained much of anything, actually. Over break, I'm going to get into therapy. Not because I'm suicidal, or thinking of harming myself, but because I'm literally battling through emotional turmoil every waking moment, and my dreams aren't much of a reprive. With the divorce and the uncertainity that brings with it, the idea isn't remiss... This is about me and doing the best I can for myself, and if I feel like therapy will benefit me, I'm going to do it.
I'm doing my best to remind myself that I'm not as incredibly fragile as I feel, that I can "take life's knocks," if you will.
On another note, my friends are trying to "find" me a quality guy... since according to everyone in my life, I've never met one, let alone dated one, and that's true. I always find myself in situations with people who are unstable to some degree, who are emotionally unavailable, or disappear as soon as things become too real for them to handle. But I think that has a lot to do with what I present to the world and ulitmately, what I'm willing to settle for. We accept the love we think we deserve, and if we think we aren't worth more than a strained relationship, or random sex, then we're probably not going to get anymore than that.
And that's where I'm at. "It may not be cool, but it's so where I live."
I'm not really sure what it is I want... everyone seems to want to be settled and married and in this cosmic, all consuming love at 20. So many friends of mine are already married with kids, or recently engaged, it blows my mind. I was them seven months ago and it's hard to wrap my head around that fact. I feel nowhere near being ready to settle down with another person, let alone devote my life to our "love".
A part of me really just wants to have fun, but I've learned that I'm not the type of girl who can do casual sex and make-out sessions, without eventually becoming attached. Damn you, feel-good hormones and your ability to make feel something for someone that doesn't really exist. Obviously in that sense, orgasms are terribly bad for us girls. But I digress.
Another part of me really wants to have a relationship. A full-blown, stupidly crazy for one another sort of deal. But again, I tend to panic in those situations and break it off before they can do the same to me. Yay to years of conditioning? Another reason why therapy would be beneficial! I know I probably sound sarcastic, but I'm not--truly.
I think it's sweet that my friends want to help me find someone, but I'm not the type of girl who goes anywhere to meet guys. That isn't what happens. I meet them through friends or through school or some series of random connections we both seem to have. But, then again, that hasn't really done much for me, has it? So maybe it's time to change up my style and actually put myself out there.
Literally, I loathe and dread the idea.
But who knows?
I'm sort of talking to someone right now. We'll see, but it feels like one of those situations where he just wants to hook up. And let's it face it, I've just spent a little less than half a year putting myself in that situation with someone else. I'm not exactly jumping at the idea of doing it again, for who knows how long. Just, ew. No, thank you.
But it's nice to get texts that say, "I'm cold, come cuddle with me" once again. Or, "Hey gorgeous, how was your day?"
I feel like 2011 should be all about fresh-starts and falling into old, tired habits straight out the gate probably won't do me any favors. As always, we shall see...
We really can't go back, and that's a lesson I seem to be learning in abudance. We can only go forward and strive to live to the fullest, enjoying the people and things we love beyond measure, and hoping for the best in our daily lives.
