Today marks the two month mark since you left us. I still remember that Saturday as if it were yesterday; it was 3:30pm and I was sitting in the back bedroom, still dressed in my ratty pyjamas, knowing I had the entire day to myself, with nothing to worry about. I was watching The Office online, catching up on the episodes I had missed when Sam texted me.
When she asked if I had heard the news, I thought she was talking about something she had posted on facebook a few hours earlier and said no... She told me that she didn't know how to tell me, that she didn't want to be the one who did, and that regardless, I needed to brace myself.
"Ronnie passed away!" And my mind went blank. I literally couldn't think of a single thing. But I could feel the sudden exceleration of my heartbeat, the immediate panic hitting hard at my chest; my hands went clamly and a cold sweat broke out on my forehead. "Not Ronnie Pallares?"
"Yes! I'm so sorry! I know you two were really close...."
"No, Sam, thank you for telling me. We were really close, thank you. I'm just glad I didn't find out from facebook."
"I know, that's why I had to tell you!"
I wasn't crying, but my anxiety didn't stop. All I could think of was checking news listings, status updates, typing your name into search engines and hoping nothing showed for my efforts. I remember the certainity in my heart that the news was a mistake-- with every search that turned up nothing, I feel confident that there had been some misinformation passed along somewhere. But then I found it. Your uncle Vince's status on facebook: My heart is breaking right now. I just found out that my nephew died this morning in Afghanistan. Rest in Peace Ronnie Joseph Pallares.
I did the only thing I knew how to do at that moment, the only thing my shocked system could manage: I called my mother, and then I cried hysterically. She couldn't understand a word I said, so she came running the back room. I gained some semblence of composure... I don't know how, but I did it to explain what happened. And as soon as the words were out of my mouth she fell on the bed next to me and cried. She loved you too, you know. She held me while I cried my literal heart out. I couldn't stop.... even if I had wanted to.
Deanna texted me and I felt compelled to call her, to tell her. The last time I saw you, we were all together and I knew that I needed her by my side. She was driving home from work... and not much was said aside from "Ronnie?" "Yeah." "No" "Yes..." And then I called Josh, our brother, my best friend, and it's the first time in three years that I've heard him cry.
Later that night, Deanna showed up to my house. We couldn't be alone... and we waited for Josh to get off work. We stood in my front yard. It had rained earlier that day and it was freezing. But we stood out there and cried, holding one another. Breaking apart, talking about you, and holding onto each other again. Josh was in shock still, we all were. We hugged and told each other all the love in our hearts and kept looking at the sky, wondering if you were there, looking down on us. If any of this could possibly be real.
That day has changed my life in so many ways, babe. There are some you wouldn't be proud of, but I know that you would support me, even in my obvious faults. The missing doesn't stop, the hurting, the wishing, I carry it all with me, all of the time. I'm never without it. And I am never without you.
Two months all at once seems like such an incredibly long time, but as if no time has passed at all. Those first few days were such a blur, but I can remember them with such clarity, it's sort of frightening. I know you'd be proud of us for all banding together the way we did, knowing that to conquer such a blow, we'd need the strength only we could provide for each other. I just wish it hadn't taken your passing to reconcile those ill feelings...
Every service held in your memory examplified the type of person you were. It was so apparent to all those who gathered around to mourn you, the impact you'd had on all of our lives-- even people you didn't know were impressed by you, babe. And how could they not be? 500 of us showed up at your flag on your birthday- the Mayor, even. We shut down most of Haven. At your viewing at least that many people showed up to pay their respects, and how many people spoke about how wonderful you were? Too many to count, brother. You are so loved, I hope you know that. I hope that you realize the amount of love you have inspired in all of us who were lucky enough to know you.
Over 1,000 people were there for your memorial service. And I'm sure you were there yourself, not understanding how we could be so sad at your loss. I don't think I could have made it through that day without Sam and Josh by my side, honestly. Thank you for allowing reconnection, and the strengthening of friendships. I will never stop thanking you for many things, but especially that.
Brother, I just miss you.
I don't understand why you, but I'd hate to think of another community grieving the way we have for you. Someone else's fiance, brother, best friend, son-- the fact that other people have felt this feeling tears me up inside. The fact that others will understand before the war is over, breaks my heart all over again. And I know that you would have rather given your life one hundred times over, to spare others the pain of separation from their loved ones, the way you have been ripped from us forever if you could.
Our memories are some of my most cherished possessions, and I know that even when I'm an old lady at the end of my life, you will be with me in spirit and heart. For every step I take, I am taking one for you and every goal I achieve is not just with me and my future in my mind, but with you and your sacrifice in my mind. I'll live my life the best way I know how, to honor your memory and to make you proud.
Trust me, there is nothing I miss more than our late night conversations. Calling one another names and joking around, the way we could talk for hours about books and music and movies, all of our serious heart to hearts that sometimes very nearly broke me, and the way that no matter what mood I was in, you were the one person who could calm me down.
I'm trying so hard not to be sad; I know that's the last thing you want for any of us, to torture ourselves, but it just isn't possible. I've lost such an important piece of myself; I've lost one of the only people I could count on inexplicibly, without second thought. How many people are lucky enough to have had such a beautiful friendship? Not many I don't think.
I have been so incredibly lucky to have you by my side for the last seven years. And nothing can take that away from me-- that love, that mutual and never ending respect, our memories, they're all mine to keep. God, I'm so lucky!
It makes sense that you'd be taken from us so early. Someone as genuine and sincere as you, couldn't possibly exist in this world for too long. You're a meteor; brilliant and bright, you amaze everyone that's lucky enough to catch a glimpse of you, and then you're gone...
It really just hurts to know you're never coming back.
You're so far away from where you should be.
Nothing could ever fill the void your death has left in me. I doubt that I will ever meet a person as incredible as you are again-- you're a once in a lifetime type of person, and we had a once in a lifetime type of friendship.
Seriously, Ronnie? Who's going to beat up anyone who cheats on me now? You promised you'd always be here to protect me and now you're gone... what am I supposed to do without you? Who else is going to tell me they love me, even when I don't deserve it? Who else is going to take care of me the way you have? People will never understand all that you've done for me, I don't even understand all of it... all I know is that you are irreplaceable.
And I know you're here... I know that you'll do your best to keep your promises, even if neither of us ever thought this would happen.
It's never goodbye. It's always see you later, talk to you later, I love you. I know you did your best and I'm so proud of you for everything you did with your short life. Now I don't have to remind you to stay safe, and now you don't have to reassure me every five seconds that "you'll try your best."
I love you.
To the moon and back; to infinite and beyond, I love you.
Thank you, brother.
So I won't say goodbye-- I'll say I'll see you later, and understand that you're still here for me when I need you, even if I don't get a response; you're still listening and giving me silent encouragement, or making your scrunchy disapproval face at me.
I'll see you later, it'll only ever be a little while...
I love you.
And I know you love me too.
Stay close.
Your Moll(a)y.
(I love this picture so much! For one, it's you! For two, that's my favorite book! And three, you bought it because I loved it so much and you fell in love with it yourself. You are SUCH a nerd, I swear. Who buys a book from Amazon while they're stationed in Afghanistan because some weird girl ranted about it for hours... You make me so happy, always have and always will.)
