I'm having one of those nights where I should definitely be asleep. I have to be up around 5:15 to study and get ready for breakfast/studying with Krista and Anna, but there's too much on my mind.
My head hurts.
And even though I was joking earlier with my mom, I'm in a bad mood. I don't mean to be, but I just am. Today just wasn't my day. I'm feeling unmotivated and sad and all around just out of sorts for no real reason. I feel like there's a lot of pressure on my shoulders, and honestly, it's not from the important things in my life. The things that should take a backseat to my school and home life and general figuring my shit out, are the things I'm the most focused on. It's not a good look on me. It's not a good look for me.
The other weekened when Krista came over crying, she said something that really hit home for me. To sum it up she said, "Even when I'm smiling, I'm crying on the inside. I'm just sad all the time." I wouldn't go as far to say that I'm crying constantly on the inside or that I'm sad all the time, because I'm not. That would be a grave exaggeration on my part. But I have my moments when I'm out, having a good time, that I would genuinely rather be at home doing nothing or reading a book in my sweats, not having to worry about putting on a brave and smiling face to placate everyone around me.
Most of the time I'm so worried about offending or hurting the people around me, I hurt myself instead.
In yoga, we're learning about Astreya; which means non-stealing.
Not just the physical stealing, but stealing from ourselves. Instead of doing positive things for ourselves, doing the negative things we should avoid, even if they're fun and we want to do them. How we have to come first, and put our needs first, ahead of going out when we're broke and stretching $10 to last a week, or whatever the case may be.
My main focus should be to take care of me. But it isn't. My main focus is who I may or may not be pissing off to take care of myself. And that shouldn't be my main concern. But somehow everytime I do something for myself, it turns into what I'm not doing for another person. And feeling their disappointment radiate from miles away.
That isn't how it should be.
I feel so torn up right now, I could honestly cry.
My main concerns should be: School, family, health, job, and Italy. Not everything else.
I need to get my head on straight, but there doesn't seem like there's enough days in the week or hours in the day to do right by myself, and the people in my life.
Sometimes I really just need a break.
I need a break.
And I don't feel like I have anyone I can really talk to about anything anymore. Which is terrible. I have all of these friends in my life, and I don't feel close enough to a single one of them to really sit down and talk. I'm just incredibly lonely right now.. I don't feel like I have a "best friend". And I really miss having that.
I miss having just one person who gets me, or tries to understand me regardless of what stupid things I'm doing or saying or considering. I miss unconditional love and acceptance.
A part of me feels like I'm lonely in every way a person can be lonely. And even though my mom is here for me, like she was earlier when I vented, it isn't the same.
Ugh, and I sound extra stupid and whiney right now.
Underneath everything, I guess I'm just having a hard time. And the fact that I don't feel like I have anyone who is genuinely in my corner, only perpetuates the feeling.
Sincerely, I cannot wait to get away from here for the summer. A change of pace, a change of scenery, faces and expectations other people have set on me. To be away from it all; the negativity, the memories, the constant nagging feeling in the back of my head like I've done something wrong, when really, I haven't done anything at all...
I just need it.
If I could pack up and leave now... I think I would. As terrible as it is to say, I would leave. Start over somewhere new, and just hope with all I have, that I start right this time. Without the worries I seem to keep with me, close to my heart every day.
Everyone else can afford to be selfish and do what they want, why can't I?
