For this post, I'm actually going to give two songs for two different people. My most recent ex, and the guy I met while I dated him. Ron and Spencer.
With Ron, from the get go I knew our relationship would be difficult. He had enlisted in the military long before he met me and even though the thought made me uncomfortable, there was nothing I could do but support him in it. At the time, there was literally no song that didn't remind me of him.
I didn't have constant contact. And I would have felt incredibly lucky to have had one a day a week with him instead of letter writing, phone calls, the internet. That one day a week, for the weeks the people in my life were allowed to spend with their significant others. At times, I think the fact that we weren't face to face 24/7 made us a lot stronger than we would have been otherwise. I mean, I have a shoebox full of love letters from the man I thought I would marry. Sometimes I miss that certainity. But at the end of the day, we just weren't right for one another and there was no amount of forcing that would make us fit.
While I found comfort in song upon song upon song, there was a specific song that cut to my heart directly. I listened to it for hours, when he was at PT or during my classes; when duty came before us, and our contact was restricted to two hours a day, sneaking in texts and 20-second phone calls at random intervals to say I love you; this song was my lullaby, the replacement for his heartbeat under my ear at night and when they trained, it was my prayer for his safety.
Listening to it now, when I haven't in so long, brings back the rush and the fear and the absolute fullness of heart whenever I heard his voice, or thought of his eyes, and remember how devoted he seemed to us. But things like drinking were more important to him. After a fairly unfortunate hiccup, I couldn't trust him the way I needed to, especially with him so far away; and as things are liable to do, they fell apart faster than either of us expected.
I feel nostalgic to the highest degree. And the way my heart sort of pulls against my ribcage, it feels all at once like regret and peaceful resignation. I loved him and he loved me, both as best we could. But this song is the embodiment, for me, of what it means to be a military girlfriend-- that incredible and undenible, constant yearning for another person, and the bargaining you will do to feel a moment of closeness.
"Set the Fire to the Third Bar"- Snow Patrol
As for Spencer, I think one of the things I liked most about him right off the bat, was the fact that we could talk and talk and talk about music. So right off the bat, our inital attraction and connection was based on our fondness for Eve 6, Modest Mouse, Against Me!; the lyrical content, and the contentment in instrumental compositions.
Also, the way we could quote different books to one another; our favorite passages and life lessons, our favorite authors and stories. He introduced me to Nick Hornby, who is now one of my favorite authors. We shared a love of Bukowski, and I threw my Neil Gaiman collection in his face immediately.
There were things about Spencer that I have never actively sought in a significant other. He drank to excess, though so differently from Ron; he smoked; he valued simplicity over almost anything, and while I liked simple things, his ideal was to sit in a beach chair or lay in hammock, drink beer, and do crossword puzzles (which I hated until I met him). He changed my ideal.
We were absurdly frank and honest with one another, moreso than I've ever been with another person. When we had issues with each other, we'd say them, even if he had to go out of the way to call the other, even at 3am after an entire of day of constant contact. We didn't hold anything back.
The fact that we met while I was with Ron speaks volumes first, to the point my relationship with Ron had gotten; and also, about the type of person Spencer was. I've never been one to look twice at someone else if I'm in a relationship... but something about Spencer caught my eye and reeled me in. He was the first person to give me pause; to make me stop and think, "Is this really it? Is my life settled? Is this my soulmate and absolute?" If it wasn't for Spencer, I think I would have made a horrible mistake by staying with Ron.
I loved Ron, but in meeting Spencer, I realized that there were people out there better suited to who I was, and that while love is a big reason to stay with someone, it isn't the most important. My friendship and almost relationship with Spencer made me happier than any relationship I've ever been in. The fact that he'd call on his smoke breaks at the bar, just to say Hi made me smile like an idiot.
I remember having a fight with Ron and asking Spencer if he was still awake. He had seemed on edge earlier when I told him Ron had gotten up earlier than I was expecting, and disappeared on me. But the moment that I asked if he was awake, he called at almost 4am to make sure I was okay. When I told him what happened, he said, "I'm probably not the best person to ask, Molly. I'm not the best person to be talking to about this," my heart literally did a 360. And it wasn't even a week later that he admitted having feelings for me.
The song that reminds me most of him, is a song he actually introduced me to. I listen to it a few times a week, not because I miss him, though sometimes I do, but because it is generally a kickass piece of musial genius.
"Wait So Long"- Trampled By Turtles. And the opening sums it up perfectly: "I could never pretend that I don't love you, you could never pretend that I'm your man; that's exactly the way that I want it, that's exactly the way that I am."
