I'm scared about moving. I've lived in the same house my entire life. I'm afraid of the unfamiliar and what it will be like in a house I don't know, with new noises and walls and memories that don't belong to me and my family. I'll feel weird, knowing new people live in my room, are sleeping under my roof, while I'm sleeping in a stranger's room, under a stranger's roof. I've called the same place home for 21 years. I've never packed a bag with the intention of not returning to the only home I've known. It's odd, boxing up our lives and throwing away the things that just don't make the cut.
Basically weighing an entire lifetime, keeping what fits and what we've outgrown. I know it's a natural part of life and that though it will be the first move, it won't be the last I'll make. And while it's forgein, I find comfort in that eventual recognition.
It worries me that this move might mean I'll have to put my education on hold. It does more than worry me, it breaks my heart. I've worked so hard to get where I am, that the thought of having it taken away from me, even for a little bit, makes me want to cry and hold on tighter. I'm not sure how it is for anyone else, but being a survivor of abuse (sexual and otherwise), it's hard for me to sit back and let things happen to me. By no means am I a control freak, but it's difficult for me to stand by and just accept things as they are. Apart of me wants to fight, wants to rebel; kick out against feeling weak and prevent myself from becoming the victim ever again. Letting go of my education, for even a short time, feels as though I'm willingly putting myself in the category of victim and it makes my skin crawl. That head-space, that state of mind, is not a place I ever want to find myself again.
Which is why giving up my schooling feels so big and threatening.
I've been so stressed lately that I've run myself ragged. At the beginning of the week, I had managed a whooping nine hours of sleep in 72 hours. With all this stress, I've spent the last two days crying. I hate admitting that. It feels like such a failure on my part. I hate admitting weakness like that. But there's nothing else I can do. This blog for me, is all about honesty.
And honestly, I've been weaker in these last four months than I have been in a long time. With the divorce almost at its close, the pressure is on. To move, to find a place to live, to settle, to survive. Sometimes it feels like too much. And every day, it feels like my support system is dwindling.
Krista, Kristin, and Brandon have been amazing this week. Especially Krista who listened to me cry for hours on the phone the other night, and still offered to drive out to my house in the middle of the night. I feel like if anyone can relate to what it is I'm going through or how uncertain I feel right now, it's her.
As of right now, I don't feel like there's any one place I belong, or any one person I belong with. I just feel exhausted all of the time.
I've also come to realize that though I consider myself to be a very authentic person, there are very few people I find myself being vulnerable with. For some reason lately, I've had a very hard time breaking down my wall and connecting genuinely with people. The only conversations I've felt comfortable having are very shallow and never hit any deeper than the surface level of any issue or feeling I'm having.
I guess I'm just tired of being hurt by the people I trust. And I'm tired of coming second to people. I'm just tired of never being enough for people.
The other night I said this to Brandon:
"Meet someone amazing. Don't settle for someone who doesn't treat you right. You deserve someone who knows what they, when they have you. And they should think that you move the sun in the sky. Seriously."
And Krista said to me:
"Take what you just said to Brandon and apply it to yourself, cause you deserve that too love."
I'm not sure what it is about who I am, but I've never been enough for the people I've been involved with. Even Ron, who I was convinced I was going to marry, kept his ex around, for just incase. And lied to me about it. And this man and I had started planning a life together; a future with marriage and kids and the whole shebang. Even then, when he was so "convinced" that we'd be together for the rest of our lives, he needed his backup plan. His insurance that he wouldn't end up alone.
Even now, it weighs heavily on my mind. Deep down in the pit of me, I don't feel like I could ever be enough for another person, because no one has ever just wanted me. Sometimes it's overwhelming, that certainity that every man I meet will be like the one who came before him.
It's hard, knowing that not only am I a beautiful person on the outside, but that I'm equally beautiful on the inside and still, no one cares either way. Even Sean, who seemed so invested in making something work out between us, is seeing someone else...
This is just frustrating. And not something that I should even care about right now, when I have so much going on, so many things that are bigger than whatever it is I'm getting at here.
But at the end of the day, especially when it's been a hard day, I'd just like to have someone to talk to. To feel comfortable and completely at ease with. Who will brush the hair back from my face and kiss me goodnight and feel content that I'm there with them, like I feel content being there with them.
Feeling this isolated and this undesirable are both taking their toll on me.
The few things I am looking forward to though:
-Italy, though I am re-thinking it. It's a once in a lifetime chance, but maybe it just isn't in the cards. I have the grades and I know I can get the money from my father... but it feels so selfish to go and do something so incredible, while I leave my mom here to pick up the pieces of everything that's gone wrong.
-Decorating my new bedroom; though I have no idea where that will be yet, or how big it'll be. But I have ideas... I'm just excited to make a space that I love, instead of merely just existing in. I'm excited to invite people over again, to a place that isn't full of regret and sadness.
-Drinks with Brandon.
