Tonight has been weird, and I just need a place to writ down my thoughts and try to make sense of what tonight actually was.
A friend of mine (I've known him since we were about 12), who I dated in high school, is home on leave due to family issues and we got to talking tonight. We hadn't seen each other in about three years, maybe a little less, maybe a little more. But we talk every so often. He was going stir-crazy and wanted to see if I wanted to go get something to drink, or hang out.
I said sure. Why not. I mentioned Corky's being open 24 hours and we ended up there.
Basically if you're at Corky's on the weekend before 3am, there's a good chance of running into people you know-- which happened in abudance.
We sat and talked, got to re-know each other. He told me about his romantic hits and misses, and I did the same. We talked about dating in high school and how he was sort of a man-whore, and how I tend to want guys who are unattainable in some way or another. He talked about living off-base in his own apartment now that he's granted BAH. I got to throw in my two-cents and follow along, since I know a good deal about military life-- especially Navy-life.
Afterwards we went back to my house, neither of us were tired and he didn't want to go home.
Now. Let me say this, we have always shared a mutual attraction and mutual affection for one another. It's not overwhelming, but I can't remember a time in our friendships were it hasn't been there. He's always been the one to act on it, and it's caused us our fair share of problems over the years; jealousy on both of our parts, fights, going stretches without talking to one another because it's just difficult to remain objective where the other is concerned.
While we were sitting there, he was sort of singing to me and then leaned over and grabbed my hand. He brought up how I've always flirted with him and he forgot how much, and how much he enjoyed it. I asked what he meant, and he said it was just the way I am; my facial expressions, the little noises I'll make, those sorts of things-- even my sometimes caustic remarks.
And then his hand started stroking my own. We compared our hand-size, how rough his hands are compared to how soft mine are. We intertwined our fingers and talked about the past, all of our history. And then he sort of got this look on his face that's hard to describe, half smile, half smirk.
He leaned over and sort of whispered in my ear, and asked if I'm still as ticklish as he remembers. And of course I am.
He put his other hand at my knee and started rubbing my thighs, raking his fingers over my jeans and I jumped into him. He went up my side, up my neck and then across my chest to the other side and repeated the process going down.
And then he grabbed me, pulled me into him and kissed me. Our glasses bumped (wow, it's hard to kiss with two people wearing glasses-- who knew?) and we both laughed.
It was weird to be kissing someone after such a long time of not kissing anyone, or after kissing the same person for so long. It was familiar, but at the same time a wholly new experience.
I won't get too into it, but for as many ways as it felt weird or wrong or new, it felt right and good and comfortable. We sort of explored and re-got to know each other's bodies and laughed and talked.
He did ask me to stay the night with him, but I told him no, It was hard to say no, especially because of the way he was touching me, but I resisted. Which I'm proud of.
And when I said no, he said we didn't have to go any further than we already had. That he wanted to cuddle and liked feeling me next to him that way. But still, I didn't go.
We stayed for a bit longer in the car, touching and kissing and talking.
When he left, he pushed my bangs out of my face and kissed my forehead. It was very tender and very sweet and it sort of tugged on something in me. But being who I am, I was immediately back to pretending like it had never happened.
I don't know why I do that.
Why I immediately have to act like intimacy doesn't exist, when it clearly does. But I think he knows me well enough to know it's a defense mechanism. He texted me when he got home, and he might come with me to Josh's party. And I might stay with him afterwards, even though he's heading back to Virginia Sunday morning.
My feelings are mixed on the entire situation.
I was well-aware before we left for the night of our history, and how that history has prevented us from being alone together most of the time. When we are alone, things like this happen. I remember in high school, I had a party during the summer. We all went swimming and afterwards, we came back in and watched movies. He and I crammed on our smaller couch with someone else, though for the life of me, I can't remember who. And under the blankets, he put his hand in my bathingsuit bottoms and got me off.
I just didn't know that tonight would happen because of how long it had been. We're both very different people now. Not to mention he's quite fit. And while I'm pretty, I'm still a different sort of pretty. Whereas he wakes up every morning at 4:15 to go for a run and to go to the gym,
But apparently my body doesn't bother him.
A testament to that fact is the bite marks on my chest and neck.
And oh god, I really don't know.
I'm sure we'll talk about it at some point. Whether we talk about it tomorrow at the party, before or after; or after he's back on base, I know it'll happen at some point.
We talked about how I know what it's like to be a military girlfriend, and how hard those relationships are. I don't know if this will progress to that level, or if we'll go back to being these awkward friends who just happen to have ridiculous chemistry.
All I know is that I'm glad I didn't sleep with him tonight.
For as good as I'm sure it would have been (because, hello, wow), it would have been just that much more confusing. And I don't need any unnecessary distractions right now.
Oh, and of course on the same night, Brandon lets me know that a friend of his has a crush on me.
Life, you are an interesting one.
