Saying that life hasn't been (felt?) easy lately is a bit of an understatement. But sometimes all you need is one good night to feel like things aren't a complete waste. Last week, it was Valentine's Day which I never wrote about. But it was fantastic. I felt great, I looked great, I laughed and spent time with friends I've had most of my life. Even though I am an introvert and value my alone time above so many things, nights like those with a big group of people can literally heal a multitude of ills. I'm sure the fact that I was drinking helps, harharhar; but seriously, it was a good night and in those few hours spent with people, I felt happy. And I suppose that's all that really matters.
It's the happiness you look for, the happiness you find; where it comes from and where it doesn't.
I suppose that's what growing up is all about, right? Balancing your responsibilites and priorities, with the things and people that make you smile. Sometimes I just have a hell of a time figuring it out though. Sometimes it's easier to focus on the bad and the depressing, and get stuck in that helpless sort of headspace, where everything is ugly and everything hurt (everything is beautiful and nothing hurt-- five points if you get the reference). It's so much easier to get and stay there when life literally piles up on you.
I mean, really, the last thing I want to focus on is the divorce and moving. Though at the end of it all, I know things will be better once it's final and we have a new home. It's the getting there part, though, that's hard. It'll be wonderful to do more than just exist in a space-- it'll be wonderful to decorate and have a fresh start, to really put my mark in where I'll be living. To not worry about all the negativity associated with my space and feel embarassed about having people because of it.
Honestly I don't understand why the getting there has to be so hard. Or why "when it rains, it pours". Sometimes it feels like there's no break; it's continuous, monotonious. Keeping your chin up is made just that much harder, when it feels like there are no more surprises, just routines that need to be kept.
Last Friday Krista took me out to dinner. And it was another one of those days that I woke up less than happy or excited. But I was so grateful that I had a friend who was willing to put me first after such an incredibly hard week.
And last night I went to a very late and inexpensive dinne with Ronny, who I hadn't seen since Valentine's day. He hadn't stayed the entire dinner, but I was so glad he was able to come and spend some time with all of us. The first thing Isaid when I got into the car was, "I haven't seen you in ten days. What the hell!"
For whatever reason, I always seem to have a good time with him and I never feel like I have to be any more or any less of who I am, to please him. Not to mention, we're basically always laughing and telling stories. I'm really lucky to have such an amazing support system in him. I got all goo-ey on him and told him that he's one of my favorite people and one of my best friends. And I was inanely touched that he said the same about me.
On the way home we had a heart-to-heart. I actually almost cried, lol. Not from sadness, but from relief? That's the best way I can describe it.
Sometimes I feel really foolish for feeling certain things or certain ways, and I'll stay on the surface of something to avoid sounding too silly or sentimental or whatever else. But last night I was insanely vulnerable with him.
I told him how I feel about myself as a person-- basically that I know I'm not perfect, but that at the end of the day,I feel ike a good person; with a good head on her shoulders, who may not be the prettiest but is pretty in her own way that's undeniable, that I'm smart and speak well and can do basically anything that I put my mind to.
And he said something close to, "You are all of those things, Molly. You're sweet and kind, and I don't know how people don't see all that. You deserve so much more than you have."
I told him about my five month rule. About being sexually assualted, emotionally abused, and how all of those things have shaped my view of men and relatioships. And at the end of it, he hugged me a few times and said that he wants me to be happy.
What I did to deserve such a good friend in him, I'll never know. But I'm thankful regardless.
Real quickly, I'd like to point out that the guys in my ife are quality. That years from now, there's no doubt in my mind that they will be fixtures in my life. I can't say that for most of the girls I know, but Josh, Richard, Mike, Jon, Ronny, and Brandon, I know will be there.
It's sort of amazing that for all the issues I have with men, that I'd be lucky enough to have these guys and thier friendship.It sort of boggles the mind.
Thinking back over the years, these are the people who have always had my best interest at heart. The people I've been able to be myself with, without regrets. And of course, though I'm sure it goes without saying, Ronnie is included in this.
These boys have fantasized about finding my attacker and laying the wrath of god on him. They didn't leave my side when my first "real" boyfriend cheated on me and wanted my forgiveness. They are constantly talking about protecting me and fnding the right people for me because I deserve more. They've been my backbones, my crying shoulders, the people I laugh with the most. In my life, they are treasures and I am so lucky.
This weekend we celebrate Josh's 21st.
And it couldn't happen with better or more important people.
Through all the bullshit, hard times, and sadness, I know that I'm in the right direction. And that when I get lost or veer off-course, each and everyone of them will give me a good, swift kick to the ass and tell me to get myself back together before I completely lose it.
Everything will be okay. I just have to get through it all to the other side.
Everything is going to be okay, even when in the moment, I don't believe it.
