Me: She reminds me of Snooki, oh my goddddd.Krista: Haha, yeaaaaaah she does.
(we love inappropriately exaggerated letters, apparently.)Me: Godddddd, what is my life? Haha. And you know, my p-ssy is tight and wet all the time, bahahaha.(this why I shouldn't have a phone, and also why I shouldn't drink... ever.)
Krista: God you're hysterical. Sean texted me today too, haha!
Me: I need a life, or someone to have sex with. Either one works. Oh yeah? What did he say? Bahaha. Dick piercing, ohmygod, I can't even.Krista: He was just like, "I don't have Wardak for math =(" and I was like, awwww, who do you have? Haha, and then I was like, wanna fuck? And he like, sure, you like my pierced dick. And I was like, fuuuuccckkkk yeaaaaah, haha, jk!
Me: Ohmygod, don't even play! That shit totally happened! Krista: No it didn't! The first part did, but not the last. I would fuck him too, haha.
Me: You should just ask him to fuck you, dude.Krista: Oh yeah, haha, you're funny.
Me: You know he would.Krista: Oh, I know, haha. I'm trying to get a man, not just fuck, but I would, haha.
Me: What about your new year's resolution?Krista: Oh yeaaaaaah. I forgot, haha. Mother-F! I'm gonna have to fuck him!
Me: Um, yes.
I'm very obviously a bad influence; but hey! I need to live vicariously through someone if I'm not having sex. It might as well be Krista. But yeah. Almost every conversation is like that, or we're laughing too hard to actually form intelligble sentences.
In other news, first day of spring semester is under my belt. Looking forward to tomorrow; not the waking up at 4:45am part, or not being 100% sure where the HS building is now located, but I love getting into the swing of things those first few weeks of school, it really is one of my favorite parts of being a student.
Seriously considering changing my major, though I have been for about a year. At the end of this semester, I feel like I'll have a more concrete desire to either stay with education or go ahead with this new major. And if I do change my major, it will push me quite heavily in the direction of San Fransico...
There is literally one thing keeping me here and it's my mother (well, her and the whole needing money thing!). Otherwise, I feel no ties to this place. I grew up here, I've spent 21 years of my life in the same town, same street, same house; with the same people I've known practically my entire life. I can name maybe six or so friends I haven't had for five+ years. That's saying something.
Of course I love them all, but we all grow up and move on eventually. Even if it isn't necessarily in the same ways.
A lot of my friends are getting married/engaged, and that's great. But there is nowhere in my immediate future, nor do I want it to be. I have the rest of my life to settle with someone else; right now I'm focused on me, my education, and my career. If someone were to come along and make me re-think my plans, I'd re-think them. But as of right now, there is no significant other holding me down; I'm not even really casually seeing anyone at the moment. Things with Sean aren't going to go anywhere; it's nice to pretend otherwise, it's nice that he goes out of his way for me, but it just isn't there. And it isn't going to change.
Even my closest relatives are thinking of moving out of state.
I don't know. I just feel like this is something I have to do for myself and see-through, or I won't be happy. I can't forsee starting a job where handing in my two-weeks notice is unacceptable. I doubt I'll have any life-changing gigs from now til then, it's possible, but until the situation actual occurs? I'm as a free as anything.
I hate this town, it's so washed up. And all my friends don't give a fuck.
As I write this, I'm also fairly annoyed.
Sincerely, incredibly, deeply and truly, I am so sick of the petty, passive aggressive sort of fighting girls do. I've been sick and apparently that isn't acceptable. Sometimes I have to put myself first so, I don't know, don't end up in the hospital.
Sometimes the expectations people set upon you, without your knowledge, are just as damning as an actual all-out fight. Bottom-line, I'm not going to risk my health to go out and spend money I don't have. Especially not right before my first week of classes, because I can't miss them-- and not when I feel like utter shit. People need to understand that. I know my body, I know its limitations; I'm well aware of what I'm capable and not capable of doing.
Just, annoyed.
I've stopped expecting things of people, so I'm constantly surprised-- or annoyed, I guess --by the happenings that go on around me. It's not a bad way to do things, except for the fact that I still expect people to respect me. Which a lot of the time, they don't.
I've learned that in abudance the last few months. People will leave you the moment you show weakness, or need to be selfish, because it doesn't suit them. If that's the case, I'm glad they've walked away.
But since Ronnie's passing, I've become more and more accutely aware that I need to do things for myself; put me first and do best by me, instead of trying to please everyone, every second of every single day. Because the moment you need them, they won't be there.
I've learned that I need to put myself first, but still do as well as I can by the people in my life and do it all with love in my heart.
The love doesn't diminish, even when the people themselves turn out to be no better than strangers. And sometimes, even strangers are more understanding.
And now I'm rambling. Sorry, blog-universe.
I was talking to my mom a few minutes ago, and she reminded me of Desiderata. For those of you who have never read it/heard of it, it's a poem by Max Ehrmann. And as someone who doesn't idenity with any set school of religious thought or subscribe to a religious doctrine, this is about as close to one as I'll get.
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
It keeps me centered.
Anyway, I have to get some sleep before waking up stupidly early.
Hope everyone is having a good week so far. =)
Anyway, I have to get some sleep before waking up stupidly early.
Hope everyone is having a good week so far. =)
