I know that sounds rude, but it's true. There's literally one person in the field I respect and it isn't because I've known her my whole life, but because for as long as I can remember, she's wanted to make people beautiful. When we were little, playing with barbies; when we were old enough for her to experiment on me without our parets gettng mad; and now that we're adults she works in a salon and can strip and then bleach someone's hair in a single afternoon, without burning a scalp or killing the hair completely. She hasn't flip-flopped on her dream, her love, her passion--and everything in life, she's been true to herself. God, I wish there were more people like Brenda in the world... I wish I were more like her too.
Between the two of us, she's always been the one to remain flawlessly true to herself. Stead-fast in her convictions, confident in her abilities, without making a single enemy (seriously, there isn't a single person who has ever disliked her). Me, on the other hand, I've always been the definition of devine chaos, always with good intentions, always a little wild, always somewhat unsure, but determined none-the-less.
Even now as an adult, when I'd like to think that I have myself figured out as best as I can, I realize I'm wrong.
Like I said before my tangent, I dislike living where I live. I'm not sure if it's Southern California, or if it's me, or a combonation of the two, but we just weren't made for each other. With another semester approaching, I'm again heavily considering what I'll do when I'm eligible for transfer.
I literally loathe the idea of staying here, but I've considered Fullerton; UCLA, and UCSD.
At one point, I had my heart set on Sarah Lawrence in NYE, it's a pretty progressive Liberal Arts school and I was in love. But the school is very small and very selective, so even though I have the grades and the passion, I don't know if I could make it. Especially since the rate of transfers and finacial aid is so very limited. Plus, it's so incredibly far away from my family. Though I'd be much closer to my brother and nephews.
I've always seriously considered Seattle State and the University of Oregon in Eugene. They're not here, which is nice and they aren't too far away. Oregon is about 18 by car, while Seattle is a full 24 hours. And by plane they aren't much of anything, 2.5 hours.
Now, however, I'm starting to give San Fransico/San Jose some consideration. Techinically it would be Northern California.... and I would only be six or so hours away by car/train, which would be nice.
And not to sound weird, but I've been feeling a pull of sorts towards San Fransico. I'm not one to believe in a higher power working through me, but I do believe in gut instincts. And my gut says go, get away from here. But of course I'm unsure.
It's hard to want the world, but never really understanding how you work in it-- or if what you feel is what's real. I could very well be deluding myself with the idea, because I'm so sick of this place.
And of course, schooling and transfer isn't the only area of my life where I'm completely unsure.
Two months or so ago, I met this really nice guy named Sean.
He's six years older than I am, almost seven. He's going to Med School; nice, cute, is attentive, single, funny. He wants to take me on a real-live date, and I'm not sure. Not because he isn't a good guy, but because I'm innately unsure of what it is I want right now.
At 21, do I honestly want to be with someone? Especially someone so wrapped up in their education that they've flat out said that school comes first, even before me. I don't necessarily need to be someone's number one priority, but Med school is so demanding. While he's on campus, we don't talk at all; and he only ever considers going out on the weekends.
I wonder if that's what I want or really need at this age. Especially since if we were to date one another, I could see it becoming serious.
We've already discussed the possible potential of any relationship we might have, and it becoming long distance in the immediate future/eventual future. He's transferring schools, he just put in his applications and while he's applied here, he's applied out of state. And of course, I'm more or less set on moving once I can transfer...
And again, I don't know if I want another LDR. With Ron, it was immediate and inevitable. With Spencer... well, everyone can see how those both turned out. No explaination.
There are other things I won't get into here.
But a part of me is looking for more spark, I guess? I feel it. Of course I do, otherwise I wouldn't even entertain the idea. Especially when he talks about how he doesn't want to sleep without me next to him, and then says he doesn't want to go another night without me there, when I say he's done it for the last 27 years without any problems. But still, I feel like something is missing.
It feels like what's missing is a big something missing, though I can't exactly pin-point it.
He wants it, he's all about it.
I'm so unsure it's ridiculous. I can't remember the last time I was this confused by a single person/situation. Usually I have this undeniable surity, that this whole thing just lacks.
Lindsay said that it's enough, the uncertainity, that I'm not feeling it for a reason. And not feeling it is enough reason not to pursue it. But then when I think of all the other times I've been sure of someone, they haven't gone to anywhere but disappointment.
Maybe I'm creating issues because I'm scared, or not ready, or wanting something else entirely. I think I already know, but then again, I'm just a jumble of not-knowingness.
School will be a blessing when it starts again Tuesday. I cannot wait for the absolute exhaustion that classes bring with them; the massive amounts of work; and everything in between.
I need a good swift kick of reality.
I'm looking forward to Monday, going to Sam's and watching the US version of Skins with Sam, Megan, Nicole, and Ronny. And not thinking about any of this.
