This afternoon my mother picked the lock on my bedroom door, crawled into bed with me and started crying hysterically. It’s happened before; she’s depressed, she feels like a terrible person for the divorce and because she stayed with my dad for so long, subjecting my little brother and myself to his abuse (she never considers the abuse she went through which was significantly worse, only that she stayed for what she thought were the right reasons that turned out to be wrong), she cries from stress because money is an issue and one hundred other things she thinks are her fault and her fault alone.
So when she came into my room, I put my arm around her and held her as I’ve done so many times since 2006 without question. It took her a good fifteen minutes before she opened her mouth to tell me what was wrong.
It turns out my uncle (her older brother) had a pontine stroke at the end of this last weekend, and we had just gotten the call. He’s alive and she was able to talk to him, but his speech is poor and he’s lacking muscle control and his mortar fuctions throughout the left side of his body. He’s looking at physical therapy for at least the next three months.
There’s a lot I want to say… I’m afraid for him and for my aunt, and their daughter. I’m afraid for my mom and my aunt Sandra, who have looked up to him their entire lives. I’m just afraid, I guess. As much as I deal with death and sickness, it never gets any easier.
It’s hurting my mom something fierce not to be with him right now. They moved to Wisconsin almost three years ago now, and we don’t have the finances to visit. She’s been upset all day and I know there’s nothing I can really do for her.
I feel numb and alone, and I don’t really know what to do for anyone, least of all myself.
To be honest, I’m having another moment of jealousy at those in my life who think they have problems or they have it bad, when they’re so ridiculously lucky without knowing it. I know it’s unfair to judge another persons pain by my own, but I’m just… tired of feeling this way. Like nothing will ever get better, and when it starts to seem like it might, fate pushes another obstacle in the way.
If you could all send prayers to my uncle Bruce, to the rest of our family, that would be greatly appreciated. He’s the only thing I have that resembles a father figure and I love him very much. He’s done so much to help my mom through this time and I know that if something worse were to happen to him, my mom would be completely lost.
