I stumbled across that quote the other day and since, I've been doing a lot of thinking. For the last few weeks I've been fairly depressed and sick, not getting out of bed for anything and sleeping like the dead. I won't go in to how, what, and why, but I've been feeling pretty sorry for myself.
Growing up, there was very few things I was want for and being this close to losing everything I've ever known has brought me down a few notches. And worse, I don't really feel like there's anyone I can talk to about it. Talking to my mom, I only upset her. Talking to my friends, it's hard to relate; most of them have been handed everything they've ever wanted (just yesterday, I got a text from a friend saying her parents had bought her a car. She's 18, she's never had a job and gets handed $100 bills every time she leaves her house), just because we live in a very entitled society and more than that, we are classic suburbia and everything is meant to be perfection. There are a few who know struggle, but it still feels on another level. Most likely because I'm living it and can't see past my own selfishness, but I feel like a burden to friends as it stands. I can't go out unless the get together is free or close to, which means dinners and movies and shopping are all out. And there isn't much else to do in our city. Except for dance and drink and house parties... and while I love going out and having a good time with friends, even those things are draining. I've just felt stuck and sorry for myself.
But enough about that; since my last real update I've made a few changes in my life.
The first and probably most important is I'm trying another bout of celibacy. The year and a half I had gotten through a few years ago did me good, and I really think it's a good place for me to be in right now. It doesn't mean I'm opposed to dating, but I'm not actively pursuing anything and don't really plan on changing that anytime soon. This year with guys has been... interesting to say the least, but after my first one night stand, I needed to take a step back. To be perfectly honest, this isn't as important to me as everyone thinks it should be. A conversation with a friend the other day reminded me that women are supposed to want to be in a relationship or talking or entertaining the idea of someone constantly, and if we're not, we're less of a woman because of it. It sort of made me sick to my stomach. Fortunately I'm able to stand on my own two feet without a man at my back... scandalous, I know.
I got my first tattoo and I love it! It's the Deathly Hallows from Harry Potter and it means more to me than I could possibly tell you.
I'm no longer in school, mostly due to the fact that I can't afford it right now and I'm not getting any support, least of all from my father who sent me an email not even a month ago, lecturing me on the proper decorum of a 21 year old lady. I sent him an email back letting him know that the standard rules of common courtesy and civility extend to men in their 60's and he should learn them first-- before demanding respect out of me when he gives none to no one.
I'm set on moving to Washington within the next two years. Details: there are none. I'm excited though, and nervous.
I'm also looking into teaching English abroad. My friend suggested English tutoring to make money and then the next day, another friend posted on facebook that they were leaning towards TELF. It seemed like kismet to me.
What I really wanted to write about, however is the quote. Like I said, it's made me think and I suppose in a way, has changed the way I think as well. Lately I've forgotten that life never goes the way you hope for or plan for. Yes, I'm in a bad situation now and it's scary... I'm at a loss constantly with how to act or how to handle what my life looks like. But I have to remind myself that the best parts of my life been born out of the hardest parts of it.
Nothing good comes from nothing, and I've learned that the good, for me, is sweetest when I've overcome loss or worked through my own demons. I know that this, just as anything else, is a true trial of self. And with everything that has come to pass, I've been better for having to pull myself up from the floor and fighting for my happiness.
If I have to be lost for a while longer, I know that the reward will be greater. And I know that at the end of this mess, I will be better for having survived it.
I'm exhausted... I just felt as if I needed to update. I've been up for almost 17 hours and woke up with a terrible hangover.
Oh! My cousin was married yesterday in the sweetest ceremony I've ever seen. They married on a mountain in the apple orchards (a staple from my childhood memories), under an alter of branches that read SWEET LOVE.
It was beautiful. Everything and everyone, and it felt so good to be surrounded by my maternal family! All of us cousins together, with the notable and sad exception of Jill who died just over two years ago and my grandmother (though I wore her favorite necklace so I could carry her close to my heart). It's nice now that we're all older; drinking and rhapsodizing in our fine dresses and suits in an open field. I was happy to be there to celebrate love and the bonds that keep us whole.
