One of the worst things, in my experience, is having questions but none of the answers. Another is being the one who is left, for no reason or without explanation. I always figured it would be one of those things that would fade after time, but instead, I dream about him coming back and having my numerous questions answered. I dream of being fulfilled in a way I haven't been since his disappearance from my life without a word. It feels mildly pathetic to even write about this... that if someone leaves and doesn't have the decency to allow you closure, you're better off without them. But here I am, at four in the morning biting back tears that I've been fighting since he left.
Maybe if the offence hadn't be committed what seems almost a life-time ago now, I would feel less ridiculous posting about how devastated I still feel by his absence; but living with such an open-end has given me allowance to want and to wish... most foolishly it has allowed me hope. I had hoped that if I missed him so stupidly, so terribly, he would miss me too, just as desperately. But I am not that girl.
The type of girl I am, unfortunately, is the type that's easy to leave. My own father doesn't love me, why would any other man? I am the type of girl who is easy to leave without as much as a goodbye, or I'm sorry.
Since he left, I've been filling my time with random guys... hoping to feel something. And I really came close, but even then, I only cared because we had been friends for so long. And even so, through the random embraces and beds and encounters, I've hoped for a phone call or a text message, or something. I just wanted to know that he was sorry.
It blows my mind how hard it is when someone just leaves. I just never thought... the lack of a single word could hurt so much. Or continue to hurt for so long. Maybe it was because of the declaration only days before; "I want you, I want everything about you... your baggage, all of it, as long as I can have you too." Maybe it would be easier if we hadn't been planning a trip for me to see him, or for him to come see me the next month. And how we would navigate a long-distance relationship that involved seeing one another at least once a month, but hopefully more.
And now, I realize just how much he's forgotten about me. While I've sat here hoping beyond hope for anything, he's moved on and probably hasn't looked back once.
I hope she knows how lucky she is to have someone willing to drive 30 hours just to see her. And I hope she thinks that your laughter is the singularly best sound she's ever heard, because it is. I hope that you call her on your five minute smoke break, just to hear her voice, because I know that was the best part of my day and that it could be hers, too. I hope that she appreciates your humor, because it's the type of humor that deserves an understanding audience wherever it goes.I hope she is everything that you want, and everything I apparently couldn't be or didn't get the chance to be (or are those the same thing in end?). I hope that your care for her is unconditional and that you allow yourself to do it freely and without ghosts. More than any of that though, I hope you love her. And I hope if one day you ever decide to leave, that you give her a reason. Any reason, as long as you let her know you're leaving and you won't be coming back. I would hate to think there is another girl in this world, hurting and waiting for you, the way I have.
I hope she loves you, in the ways I was never given the chance to. And I hope that if one day she ever decides to leave, I hope she gives you a reason. Any reason, as long as she lets you know she's leaving and she won't be coming back. I would hate to think of anyone, especially you, hurting and waiting for someone, the way I have hurt and waited for you.
