And I should always allow myself to be that happy. I shouldn't have to guard myself constantly, afraid that other people will see me-- really see me. And I shouldn't be afraid that the real me isn't good enough, because I am good enough, in abudance. I'm realizing the people who understand that, who love me for me, aren't waiting for me to mess up or fall down, they understand me better than I understand myself.
A lot of this has to do with coming into my own. And knowing those things about myself, without needing the extra validaion from the people I choose to spend my time with.
If you look through my text messages with Krista, the last few weeks, you can sort of see this slowly emerging happiness and confidence on both of our parts. Not only that, but this wonderful mutual acceptance and comfort-- when I said we really bonded this last weekend, it was true. But more than that, vowing to spend more time together after Ronnie passed away, not just twice a week in class, but outside of it, on top of all of our history, it sort of seems inevitable that we'd be this close now. I just really appreciate her friendship, who she is as a person, and what our friendship does for both of us.
It's sort of the same way with Ronny. I feel more myself with him than I do with most people. It makes me sad knowing that after this summer, he won't be right around the corner. And that if one of us is bored in the middle of the night, we won't be able to drive to Corky's to have something to do.
In a lot of ways, last weekend felt right.
The right people, the right mind set, the right amount of stresses from the past week and the right amount of heart we all had. I need more right in my life, and less awkward, "this is okay, but I'm forcing a role onto myself that I don't naturally fill or innately want to be, but really... this is good enough."
I should never have to settle for good enough, no matter the situation. I'm better than that, and living constantly inspired sort of conflicts with that state of mind.
So let's get on it, Molly. Lots of right, less this is sort of good enough, and continue coming into my own.
Midterm tomorrow morning.
Maybe doing something with Ronny tomorrow night.
This weekend, Krista, Anna, and I are going to reunite with Nikki; find a place to hang out and unwind. Just embrace this life and live the hardest and best ways possible. We owe that to ourselves.
