The ex I saw a few weeks ago while on his leave, his mother passed away on Monday. I feel terrible for him. I can't imagine what it must be to get news like that while you're away-- at least he isn't underway and still on base for the time being. But I also found out that he's in a military hospital for an injury he received sometime after his mom passed.
I felt hesitant about texting him. Which, in the almost ten years that I've known him, I've never experienced concerning him. And I suppose in that way, I feel terrible that careless intimacy can ruin or damage or hinder, otherwise good and healthy relationships.
This isn't the first time it's happened; this weird, alienation or disconnect from someone I've been intimate with. At this point, it actually feels fairly normal. I'm so used to giving myself and being with people who have no interest past what my body can do for them, that eventually I just shut myself off from them. First mentally, then emotionally, and of course, physically. It's easier that way, to pretend that it never happened and creating enough space between two bodies, two minds, two hearts, what have you, to perpetuate that sort of thinking and fucntioning.
When I think about it, it's always the people who are just outside of my grasp for whatever reason, that mean the most to me. I almost had you, could have had you, wanted you; but not enough. And I suppose the fact that these are people who want me just enough, but not quite, fans that flame.
Thinking of the past the ten years, I have no doubt that this person and I could have made something work if we had really wanted to at some point. But the push and the pull, the effortless and all possessing ebb and flow of our on and off again, sort of there but not at all, relationship was more exciting. And in some ways, more fulfilling.
That says a lot about the type of girl I am.
I know that, and it's something I'm working on. For as much as I want romance and pinks and reds and comfort and beautiful love, I get bored easily. Which why such a thing as the "five month" rule exists in my world. Five months of whatever our relationship may be. Steady five months of dedication or sex, passion or commitment, or some combination of the two. And at the five monh mark, give or take a few days, I've let the experience run its course for me.
The hard part isn't getting me, though let's be honest, that all in itself is an art and wonderfully exciting. The hard part isn't making me fall in love, either. I don't fall in love easily, but I'm a pro at unrequited-somethings-almost-a-lot-like-love.
Keeping me, making me want to stay, is the hard part. I've never met anyone who could honestly keep my interest past five months. And the breaks are breaks, If I get bored enough, or life becomes tedious enough, I'll backspace and go for another few months. But the truth is, once you've lost my interest, you've lost it.
No matter how hard you try, you won't be getting it back. Only two people have ever managed to keep me occupied/fascinated past the five month mark.
One I met when I was 16 and wanted until I had turned 21. And it wasn't until after an incredible lull, both of us dating other people and him coming back, kissing me and offering to give me everything I had always wanted, that I realized I had absolutely no feelings for him left.
The other, I met while I was with Ron. I've written about him before. He's the only person who could come back into my life, no questions asked, and I would want him as much as I always have.
I'm trying to figure out where this ex stands. I have these weird nostaglic longings for him, unique enough in themselves for me not to class him with every other guy I've come across. But not special enough for me to put him among those two mentioned above. I know that if I purused him actively, I could probably get him. But at the core of who I am, I know that I don't really want him.
The attention, the intimate moments, the belonging to someone other than myself are reasons enough to try, I suppose. But I don't want that.
I go back and forth constantly between being sure of what I want, and not having a clue. For a while there, I thought I had it figured out. But all of the good sex and passion and chemistry in the world aren't enough to make me stay. Life would be much better if it were that simple, though. But unfortunately it isn't.
A friend brought up last night that I've had a quite a few guys (especially lately) express their feelings for me. I've heard a few tell me that they've always loved me or wanted to be with me, that they've always had feelings for me. I've had a few tell me that they're falling for me. And another handful who are interested in the way I look and all of that physical, non-commital stuff.
And even though I don't know what it is I want the majority of the time, none of these things from those people are it.
All I really know is that I'm saddened at myself, the situation, and for my long-time friend who lost his mother.
