Everyone knows that I've been having a hard time lately, so I'm not entirely sure why people want to add to that discomfort. God, I know I must sound incredible selfish, but I'm having a hell of a time not losing my mind, and people act like I'm doing some sort of disservice to them by focusing on myself. I'm sorry, but the best thing I can do right now is focus on myself; put the attention where I need it and hope for the best. I don't understand why this concept is so hard for some people to understand. And then "anonymously" sending me messages that tell me I'm not paying enough attention to them, or that I'm purposely excluding them from plans? Honestly? The "anonymity" makes it that much more of a bother. Talk to me like a man, like a woman, get the courage and tell me I'm being a shit friend straight up.
Otherwise, I don't want to hear it.
And frankly, I'm not sorry.
I'm in the middle of one of the biggest upheavals in my life, and considering what I've been through in the last 21years? That's saying something.
I feel like I haven't had a chance to breathe since before Ronnie died. And at times, it feels like I'll never be able to catch my breath again for the simple fact that life doesn't stop or slow down, even when you think it should, even for a second.
My best friend died. He died. He was killed. Every day my heart hangs heavy in my chest for him. Every day I wake up and I have to remind myself that he's gone. Every day I miss him and still can't process his death. The words don't make it real, the funeral, the days and the counting and the hurting, nothing has cemented the truth of it for me.
My parents are going through a nasty divorce and every day the peace I try and feel is disrupted by anger at my father for being who he is and for doing what he's doing-- for forgetting that he's divorcing my mom, but not me or Jon, and he's still convinced that screwing everyone over is the best and most obvious plan of action.
We have to find a new place to live on no income. No income. None. I'm trying to find a job, but it's a little hard when we have no idea where we'll be in a month. I can't apply for FAFSA because my parents aren't settled, because I have no address to provide, because I might have to drop my classes anyway. Soon I won't have a cellphone or a home or any money, whatsoever.
The idea of all the uncertainity ahead of me scares the ever-living shit out of me. I have no never been so scared or unsure in my life.
But I really am trying to stay positive. Krista helps immensely; she's even let me know that I can stay at her place with her during the week when I have school, and that she'll do anything she can to make sure I don't have to drop my classes. We talk every day, even though it's mostly light-hearted bitching. But even so, it doesn't feel superficial or shallow, and we laigh the entire time through.
She doesn't pressure me to pay attention to her. She doesn't get upset if I cancel plans or change them or fall asleep on her in the middle of a text-conversation. She understands everything I'm feeling right now, and not once has she said, "what about me?"
I said something to my mom earlier about how it's been a rough few months and that things will settle down soon. Because when I stay positive, she's more likely to do the same. And she said, "Molly, it's been more than a few months. It's been years. I'm so sorry you've never had a break from feeling this sad, or this old."
She's right. No breaks.
But I'm trying not to let it break me.
I go out once a week and let off steam. The rest of the time I'm sleeping, at school, or doing school work. I'm not purposely excluding anyone from anything, but I don't have the money to go out constantly to the malls or fancy dinners or to disneyland. I don't have the time or energy. Even if people think it's good for me. Trust me, I know what is good for and what isn't.
What I need is more people in my life who aren't going to pressure me into feeling or being the way they want me to, because it suits them. I'm sorry that my unhappiness or stress or whatever is inconvinent for you, my apologies.
Just try for once second, just imagine for one minute, what I'm feeling every single second, of every single day. That discomfort I bring you, that niggles annoyingly in the back of your mind? That's what I feel every day, every second, every minute; and it's more than a simple annoyance, it's roaring in my ears and threatening to take me under. But shit, sorry that my current situation in life is fucking your day up.
My bad.
Truly trying to stay positive and I succeed most of the time.
Except for moments like this. Support me or don't, but don't make my life all about you. I guarantee you in the fight between my well-being and my peace of mind vs. your need to be validated by my presence and attention, I will win every single fucking time.
Thanks.
Tomorrow is a new day and I promise I'll feel better in the morning. I'll feel better once I click post and exit the tab. I just needed to get this off my chest.
Whatever stress I can get rid of, by god, I'm going to as quickly as possible.
Sorry.
/Rant
