I've been having a problem with the confidence I feel in my abilities. Not one ability, not one weak spot, but all of them. There were so many things I wanted to do, had done, planned to do, and then things went to shit and my confidence has really been shaken up. I haven't really talked about it much with anyone; I don't want to sound as if I'm whinging for attention or the validation of my talents and efforts. I just genuinely feel very lost as to where I'm supposed to be and how I'm supposed to get there. Last night I was feeling a bit vulnerable and in the middle of texting with a friend, I sort of verbally threw up every fear that I have.
I've just been stuck in a rut and you've been so proactive in taking charge of your destiny; I need a bit of your magic. Everything the last year has just worn me down so much, to the point where I no longer feel confident in my abilities anymore. And after losing everything and being homeless, I'm too worried about becoming comfortable anywhere. I don't really want to put roots down.
That reminds me of a conversation I had back before I moved, with a friend who had just gotten kicked out of his house. He told me about how it changes your definition of home from 'where you live' to 'anywhere the people that love you are.' So really, as long as you're with people you care about, you're home, no matter where you are. Seriously, with everything you've been through and done? If you put yourself out there, there's no way you can fail.
It was exactly what I needed to hear, but I still can't quite believe it... or in myself. After squatting in our house with barely any heat, living out of our suitcases, and sharing one mattress; after living in the car with another human being, two dogs, and my own intense dislike of sharing close quarters; after sleeping on a hotel floor, staying away all night because I was too afraid to fall into a deep sleep until the morning; laying on the countless floors of family and friends, not knowing where I'd be the next day or if I ever had a place that I considered base again... I just feel scared.
Having a roof over my head, bit by bit reclaiming my space and possessions and allowing myself to sleep deeply and calmly, being happy that even though we didn't get to keep our cats, I still have my dog and my brother's dog. I get to take a shower without worrying about who is waiting outside the door. I get to take a shower. Period. I'm so glad and thankful... I could cry, I do cry, I am crying, because I was so scared-- not just those last few months, but for almost two years about what I'd do when all was said and done.
My legs are shaking, trying to regain the ground that I lost.
I'm in a strange city. That I'm warming up to as time goes by, that I genuinely like, but that I don't care to get attached to, in case something else happens. I'm afraid of going back to school, because the profession I was so set on, doesn't make me particularly excited anymore. And that breaks my heart. As long as I can remember, all I've wanted to do is teach and now, I just don't know if I'd be able to be that normal or that settled anywhere. So... why should I go back to school? I want to, but I know I'd be, in essence, starting from scratch and that just leaves me feeling tired. Getting a job? I know I need one, but I just don't feel smart enough to get one now... which sounds ridiculous. My entire time in college, I was on the Dean's list, and was repeatedly praised for my theories and application of my knowledge and passion to various subjects-- I had teacher's complain that they could no longer teach me, when I'd finished their courses. But I just feel thick, too slow; I am molasses and I can't stop being molasses. Not because it's fun being this way, but because I'm afraid of what happens I get too confident, too comfortable, too set in a positive direction... what will happen when it goes wrong again and I feel like molasses again? I don't know if I could handle being this sorely sad and beaten down again, after being so fucking sure of everything.
All I hear is, 'why aren't you doing this? why aren't you doing this better? You should be happy, you should be relieved, you should be grateful.' And I am very relieved and beyond grateful for the bad things to be over... I'm happy in my own way, too. I'm trying to adjust...
But it isn't fast enough for anyone... I'm just doing wrong, because I haven't snapped out of my survival mode and into living mode, yet. Will I eat tonight? Will it be edible? Do I have the option to wash my face before bed, when I wake up, can I make tea, can I stretch out, can I? I'm supposed to continue taking care of my mother. I haven't stopped since I was sixteen and because I'm not always smiling, I'm made to feel bad, because she's too frail to take care of me too.
I am happy.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have an apartment.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I have a roof over my head.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I am grateful for the things I have.
I am alive.
I am okay.
I don't have to cry anymore.
Okay?
Everything is going to be okay now. I am alive, I am grateful, I have a place to be.
I just need to snap out of this and everything will be better.
Hopefully visiting my sister and older brother next month (18 days) will help put things back into order. I think Being in Washington in the rain, in my favorite state, with two of my favorite people, will wake me up.
And to be clear: I love my mother, I would do anything in the world for her, and I don't mind taking care of her... I just need to know that I can take the time I need to put myself back together, sometimes.
