I think this is going to be a relatively short entry. I wanted to post about my on-going spiritual awakening and transformation (I will never use the word religious-- there is no set of doctrines I could fully give my heart to and there just seems to be so much hate between them all), I wanted to talk about the way life is hard but is slowly evening out into something some what manageable. But unfortunately, I don't actually have the will or strength to expand on any of those things right now.
Yesterday before I went out clubbing for a friend's 21st birthday, I found out my mom might have cancer.
She didn't want me to know and like she assumed, I had a pretty spectacular breakdown. I'm not really sure how to handle this information and if I could freeze time, I would. She's going in next week for a biopsy. Mouth cancer is aggressive and brutal and there's only so much that can be done in the case of advanced cancer of the mouth.
It just feels like things have been so hard for so many years and now there's a light at the end of the tunnel and there's something else blocking it. Not just for me, but for my wonderfully beautiful and strong mother. I'm afraid of what it will be like to watch her lose her hair and be constantly sick and trying so hard to put a smile on her face because that's what she does for us.
I know I'm probably getting ahead of myself... But I really am scared. In a lot of ways it feels like she's the only person I really have and the love I have for her, no one else comes close to. I know eventually we all lose our parents-- I've watched my best friend struggle through her mother's death since we were thirteen. But I never thought something like this would happen.
I don't know.
But yeah. My mom might have cancer.
And I'm trying not to cry.
Thoughts, prayers, kind words, positivity. Anything you can spare, can you please send it our way?
