Lately, I've been thinking a lot about the unconscious claims we make on other people and in turn, the unconscious claims people set on us. And of course, this is me we're talking about, so it's done in the context of sexual relationships and intimacy.
I had a conversation the other day with a friend of mine. She was confused about her situation with an ex-lover and how to maintain a simple friendship with him. And being in that situation enough times, I told her that simple friendships are hard to manage once crossing that line from platonic friends to lovers, and then back again. It seems like once you're crossed that line, it remains forever blurred for some reason. Rightly so, I suppose; physical intimacy is something we as young people take for granted. For as many times as I've put myself in that situation, I always tell myself that I have control over my emotions, and every time I'm proven wrong. Sex, sexual acts, physical intimacy, they all create a bond. Regardless of whether or not we want it, approve it, or care for it-- it happens. Not always positive, not always negative, and sometimes I'm sure it can even strengthen a friendship. But that's neither here nor there, it happens with or without our consent.
Not even two weeks ago, I ended up hooking up with one of my very close male friends. We've always been a bit flirty, but that's just our natural personalities and I've never thought much of it. At my birthday all those long months ago, I told him I wouldn't mind having sex with him and luckily it hadn't happened. And that night while we were left alone, we fell asleep on our friend's couch while watching TV. I woke up with his hand on my breast, but I was laying with my head in his lap, it didn't seem like such a big deal.
Last Friday we both got pretty drunk. A lot of touches, a lot of heavy-handed flirting, tops came off randomly, a lot of biting. And then hours later, we were again left alone. The same house, the same people who left us to their own devices, same couch. And it happened. Afterwards, we both giggled and kept the contact going. On the ride home, he would lean over and kiss my neck, or brush away my hair, get close to the back of seat and say something in my ear. He gave me a huge hug when he got out of the car and that was it.
Until we all went out last night, we had barely talked. And we sure didn't talk about what had happened between us. But we had little moments of knowing pass between us. Little touches, that seemed less platonic and more ripe with intent.
After the conversation with my friend about her situation, I talked to my mom about it. She made the same point I had, and then I foolishly brought up the situation with my friend B (the guy I had hooked up with), and said that even though it had happened in the past, I didn't feel any inclination towards him. That even though we were intimate, I didn't feel as though things would be weird or if they would even happen again. My mother told me that I was basically wrong, and that even if I didn't immediately feel the pull, I would. Because once you expose and express yourself that way, it isn't something you can take back. It is intimate and raw and.... it's a baser instinct and desire, a certain type of need you can't truly deny once it's been filled.
Last night I was the first person he sought out. We had a one minute hug. And after that, a lot of over the shoulder holding and talking. Poking or grabbing. At dinner, we sat next to one another on accident and ended up talking and sharing drinks all night. We spent a lot of time together and like I mentioned before, we had knowing touches and looks, as well as private conversations in five cryptic words or less in con-junction to last Friday.
At one point, I had leaned my head against his shoulder and he had his hand on my knee, and another girl noticed and began running her hands through his hair and said that her boyfriend said it would be okay if she and B ended up making out. At that, something I never thought would happened, happened: I became jealous.
I never thought in a million years that I would care, more than the realm of our friendship of course, what he did with other girls. But I was hotly and stupidly jealous until he and I were standing outside in the cold and talking about nothing.
So that is my unconscious claim on my longtime friend and I'm not too happy about the situation. We hadn't even kissed, just an occasional, almost innocent brushing of our lips-- our hook up was more about mutual desire and need, than it was about a connection. We have a connection, and it's a solid friendship, not some weird puesdo-sexual relationship. I'm not sure how I feel about this.
I could always use it to my advantage. But that would be at the expense of a higher claim and I don't know if I honestly want to create more of a sexual bond between us. Maintaining our previously innocent, yet flirtatious friendship seems like a much better idea. Especially since whenever I drink, he's there. Continuing, even on an irregular basis our intimacy however, would save me from getting into other, more dangerous situations. Either way, it's a double-edged sword, the claim is already there.
But I guess it just further proves the point that once you've given in to a situation, to another person, it's that much easier to give in and relent to them again.
And once the line is crossed, you never truly cross back over it. You carefully and sometimes-not-so-carefully toe it, and see how far you can go without getting in over your head. Or worse, getting caught.
It makes me wonder if he feels the same claim. And if anyone else feels that sort of unexplainable yet undeniable claim on me.
